Too late

This is not my title, but another title of another AJR song. Though it looks and sounds just like my own title, doesn’t it?

I guess that’s just another sign of how well the songs, titles, lyrics, and everything, have been fitting into my life.

“Don’t give a damn if I’m bleeding out, that’s fine

But I’ve been afraid of you leaving for some time

And how you gonna like me if you don’t recognize me?

‘Cause you been saying, “Don’t ever change”

I think it’s too late”

The first line shows a sort of lack of self-concern that I think I have as well.

“But I’ve been afraid of you leaving for some time.” This is a theme in multiple songs. I’ve written about it in the blogpost “Karma.”

Before, I said, “I’m fine with being alone.”

It’s partially true. It’s part of feeling so broken I can’t find the feeling to care.

But I’m also so scared of being alone. Reminds me of the song “Scared to be lonely” by Dua Lipa. I used to listen to this song so much when I was younger. Like middle school age.

I think it’s because, if I’m alone, it means that so many parts of my dreams can’t happen. I’m scared of messing things up, of being alone, of making the wrong choices, but perhaps I am most scared of…feeling broken. Boy did that fear not get me anywhere.

“And how you gonna like me if you don’t recognize me?” See this is how I feel too, but something it feels like I’m still changing and struggling. This line resonated recently, since I started having those mental health/self image issues again. And it always makes me wonder. If I don’t even know who I am, and people claim they love me, how is that possible?

How can you love me if you don’t know me? How can you love me if I don’t even know myself? How can you know me if I don’t even know myself?

Is love even possible then?

It is possible to love someone without knowing them? Is it possible to love someone who doesn’t even know who they are themselves?

The title of this song is “too late.”

I think it’s too late for so many things. Self-destruction. The way I feel. My use of the denial coping self-defense mechanism. The fact that things are not going to get better. At least not for a while, hopefully, the problems will not have last enduring effects (like not getting into medical school).

But the scars will last forever. For now, and for about 2 more years or however long the rest of undergrad bachelor’s will be…I will be thinking about this everyday.