When you’re a kid

• When you’re a kid: "I just want to grow up"

  • When you’re an adult: “Damn this is kind-of hard I had it easier back then."

  • 🤔🤔..That was before I had all these paralyzing, everyday, never-ending problems and questions about life.

• When you're a kid: "When I grow up, I'll definitely have a husband/wife, family, and kids. I can just already envision it. Me as a mom/dad, with a husband/wife, family, and I can imagine the kids and all the things that my kids would do, my dream kids...the names they'd have, the cooking smells and all the things that would happen my house."

  • "Hmm I don't know about that."

  • First of all, I don't know if I'll ever find someone; the right person. Love and life has thrown me this way and that, and the people that I have loved didn't show the same interest back. Some people are more terrified of settling than being alone, and I don't know how. The idea of a second choice haunts me everyday, and was the inspiration fear for my third work of writing.

  • It's crazy how I had a much wider, mroe bold and envisioned imagination for this as a child than as an adult, even though age-wise, whether it'll happen or not, I'm way closer.

• When you're a kid: Crush on some random person

  • When you're an adult: Damn this is kind-of a lot harder than I thought

  • There's a million reasons it wouldn't work out with this person

  • Something just being attractive means nothing anymore, it's not even fun anymore, because so many other things are more important about the person.

  • Barely even notice if they are or not because enough experience has deflated me and taught me it's nothing

  • As you get older, people around you start to get married, the pressure to find someone starts to grow.

  • I start to wonder if I'll always be alone.

  • Read blog post: Are no crushes anymore

• When you're a kid: "In this country America, I have the privilege of knowing that I can set my mind up to become anyone I want to be. I can do it all. Whatever I want to be."

  • "I don't know if I'm smart enough."

  • I don't know if it's a choice. I'm confused on whether intellect is given or earned. What if my hard-working self will never be enough, because I'm just too dumb, and not smart enough. Plenty of people don't choose the routes I go. I love challenging myself, but what if none of it matters? What if the love that I contain for my studies just can't amount to the innate abilities I wasn't born with or given by God?

  • And if I don't, I don't know what my purpose is anymore. Because I thought that's what it was my entire life, and it made quite an impact on all of my thinking and all of my choices and decisions in life. It's who I always thought I was; thought I'd become. I'm scared that hard-work and opportunity isn't enough; if in some analogical sense, the opportunity door was always closed for me.

• When you're a kid: You just imagine/expect that when you grow up, you'll be a confident person who loves who they've become. You don't even expect or imagine it to be otherwise; it's not even something you wish or pray upon.

  • When you're an adult: "Damn I never saw this coming, but I don't feel love or confidence in anything that I do or am."

  • "I'm constantly paralyzed by stress, doubt, feelings of not being good enough, and deserving only the worst in life. On the other spectrum is still that pulsation of a hopeful child who has a strong ambition in life and will do whatever it takes to get there."

  • Perhaps throw religion into the mix, a feeling that you can never be too proud and must stay humble. Well how does that tie in? In fact, it's almost better to be self-hating, in a way, that's what humility requires?

• When you're a kid: "Being faithful has and will always be easy to me."

  • When you're an adult: "It's like I'm paralyzed. I know the right thing to do, and still I do the wrong thing and regret it and feel like a terrible person. Spiritual paralysis, perhaps."

• When you're a kid: "I will always be happy, full of life, and wake up feeling refreshed."

  • When you're an adult: There's periods where waking up is the worst part. Remembering everything that is wrong; all the problems. Sleeping and dreaming is like you succeeding in the escape room of trying to fall asleep - you managed to escape into the Escape World - for a bit - it'll seem like no time, really.

  • You're tired, all the time. And it doesn't matter if you enjoy what you're doing, and have some kind of supposed idea of purpose in life.

  • Never ending tasks...never ending homework...never ending things to do...goals to reach...to do list...

  • You wake up tired, wanting some more time to yourself, before jumping back into life, into the day, and all of its problems.

  • Seems like everything is problems: math, physics, engineering, science, chemistry, not to mention personal life...

  • You're tired of all the damn problems, of all sorts.

  • Your thoughts never end; never leave you alone. That's why waking up is so difficult. "Bam bam bam," they go, like notifications to your phone.

  • "Right, that's what I get for waking up."

  • You have no time for yourself. The whole day, even if filled with studies that you like, it's all work work work. It's draining, exhausting, and makes you question what the point of it all is, even if you know what you're working for; even if you know the Greater Point of it All.

• When you're a kid: you think that everyone is such a good person.

  • When you're an adult: With greater wisdom, you see the true sinfulness of human nature, you can see the corruption in different ways in each person that you meet, but you can recognize it all, without judgment.

  • Most of all, you see it in yourself. And it makes you feel awful. You want to change...but change oftentimes does not come easy or fast.

When you're a kid: the things that you thought would be different.

Or just weren't expecting - never thought they'd be like that...

Being a kid is such a weird experience because you have all these expectations for life and realize it ain't at all - like you thought it was.

Damn I didn't mean to make this depressing. I swear, I was just writing. Anyway, add on to this in the comments.