A fateful moment

I am at this point where it is the end.

It is relieving, but it also terrifying. Becuase it means there is nothing more that I can do, and now it’s just fate. This is the part where there is nothing more to be argued “in my hands” or in my control.

Math final exam scores came out. I thought I did good, but now I am too terrified to check. Because this is it. There is no more. There is nothing more than I can do.

On one hand it’s like, ok, Masha, there’s nothing more that you can do, you say, therefore you should not stress and just check. You can’t change anything or do anything at this point. At some point you will need to check. And accept. Why not do it now, not later? Because I know you care…I know it’s killing you…

Very valid thinking. That is one side. But the other is that I did not expect a score back so early. Winter break, though it has started for many of my fellow students, has actually not started for me. I still have one more exam tonight: physics. In just a few mere hours I will have it, and it will be over. And the it will be winter break for me too (so late!!!) And then I will in fact check. Have no choice to check. I just expected to be checking over winter break…in the comfort at least of my own home. Even if I will be depressed after.

I didn’t want to ruin my mood and do bad on physics too (though that might just go bad all on its own, and there might not even be anything I can really do to prevent that). But that’s another story.

In case it’s bad, the implications are just too bad. I will not be okay. I will be straight-up depressed.

So as much as this is a fateful moment it is also a warning.

I have mentioned on my “Winter break plans” that I intend to write a lot for my blog. But in truth, there’s a lot I intend to do, but, after having experienced true depression this summer, there is a lot that just won’t get done if I will be depressed about my future…if I will have to transfer….no need to say anything more. Either way, I don’t know which way things will go….