A month in

I’m not sure what to title this…yet. But life has been shit lately.

I’ve been feeling rough. Going through a rough time, a tough time.

I’m drawing a parallel to a particular song right now in my life. Isn’t that amazing, a great feeling, when music, a particular song, becomes so parallel to your life out of nowhere?

It could even have been a song you loved or love, a song you listen to all the time, and suddenly, out of nowhere, it applies. It applies so much.

Actually this song is by a particular artist. She doesn’t talk about this so much in this song…but she talks about the concept of growing up, changing, and perception of self perhaps. That is a big theme of a lot of her other songs. So even in that aspect, I find myself to be drawn to this artist right now at this point in life. Which is actually quite ironic because I think the songs that I am drawing parallels to the relating myself to and describing right now…are songs of themes that seem much younger in a way to me. Or like they should be to a younger audience. I don’t even know what to make of that.

I can feel myself changing. Adjusting my perception of myself, who I want to be, how I want to be. I didn’t think I’d still be changing this way when I was 20…but boy can I say…life is so much different than I thought it would be. It’s not that I thought I would have everything figured out at 16 and then it would be smooth sailing from there. I knew it wasn’t that easy, and even back then, things weren’t all that smooth and easy. Already I was having problems. But nothing like this, and I additionally would’ve never expected this. But some of the things that happen to me just continue to shock me, or have lingering effects, or I didn’t expect to be dealing with these specific problems, or some others to have stayed so long (i.e. to still be dealing with at this day and age).

Man, what smooth sailing?

Nothing is smooth sailing. I’m struggling over here. I’m freaking drowning.

I guess this would be a good segue way to also say that change can be really sad. As much as I’ve tried to convince you that is also good and exciting. But some of these upcoming changes in my life, it’s hard to feel as anything like exciting.

One change that I have to make is change the picture of my blog. If you pay close attention, you will see that the picture is of me wearing a badger hat and well, you should know by now, that even though I am enrolled at this school for approximately 2 more months (we are a month in, a third of the way in which is all sorts of crazy in its own way) I am nothing of a badger by now. And haven’t been for a while.

“You say I should be on top of the world, but I’m not feeling much

You know I used to think I could fly, now I’m just holding on

Yeah I’m laughing a room full of strangers on the verge of tears

I should be on top of the world, but, yet, I’m right here”

This paragraph is so powerful. There is so much to unpack here. It is EXACTLY how I’m feeling.

When I went to university, I felt so excited. Like I was and would be on top of the world. And when things had just started to fall apart, people told me that things will be okay. That they won’t fall apart. That I’ll be okay. That I’ll still be on top of the world. But now I too am not feeling much. In fact I feel pretty numb and dead like meat.

I too used to think I could fly, and now I’m just barely holding on. I mean, again, what would I say to my younger self?

That line about laughing in a room full of strangers on the verge of tears…well, I can’t tell you just how many times I’ve thought about that line in the past…months (how long has it been since I got that horrible letter and my life all died? I guess I started feeling that way even before…like a precursor) but I think it’s been a month. The amount of times I have thought about that line though is almost embarrassing. It’s become so relevant. It shouldn’t have ever. It’s horrible. Literally just today, after church, I was waiting for another service. And instead of socializing with anyone I still had so much work to do, so I sat in a café and pretty much the entire time I just thought about how much I wanted to cry in a room full of strangers. On the verge of tears. I could’ve burst out crying at any point today. Just feel like crying all the time. I’d be a great actor at this point in life.

And life lately in other ways? Has been shit. My ochem lab class has been hell, with not one but two post labs due this week AND a pre lab…taking hours each. All I’ve done for the past couple of days (but three hours of stats today too). I feel so dead inside, I almost didn’t remember how to relax or write anymore. Everything just felt so weird and unnatural.

But everything goes unnoticed. Nothing worked. No one sees it. No one sees or cares how hard I work. Why do I do anything? No one understands me, not even the people close to me. So they can’t possibly love me.

Nothing gets easier.

Nowhere for me to go. Nowhere for me to cry. I end up feeling like a burden and sorry to anyone I cross paths with, or especially people that have to spend so much time with me.

And you know that feeling of when you gave someone friends…and then they start hanging out with you. They think you don’t see them…but you see. And now they’re probably talking shit, and it’s awkward seeing people thinking what they might think about you. Forced to see them. Forced to know. Forced to see everyone. Do they see? Do they know? And what exactly do they see, know, and think? My heart starts beating so fast. Anxiety. Horrible feelings I don’t know how to wash down.

My life is school, but it’s torture, and a prison. And all the life’s been sucked out of it. All purpose…ripped away.

Later it also says “I should be on top of the world, but I’ve been falling down.”

I also think this is all powerful, because the title of the album is called “i used to think i could fly,” and I’ve listened to this entire album a lot, because it is a really good album of hers, and maybe the best (maybe my favorite, though I like others, but my connection is a little deeper to this one than the others I think. I like “think later” and “So Close To What” because it has some absolute bangers, like

“cut my hair”

“we’re not alike”

“It’s ok I’m ok”

“No I’m not in love”

“Means I care”

But that’s just the thing. Bangers means I don’t have a deep connection.

And, to the best of my knowledge, well…you know how sometimes…what music artists do is have the title of the album be the title of a song in the album? I guess, what/the song was based on? Or maybe just a featured song within the album? I’m realizing as I write this right now I don’t know the actual reasoning, but to the best of my knowledge, this particular song, “go away” is the only time that the lyrics are said. Right in the beginning.