Allegedly the Irony of Chemistry

The amount of times I have had to say…”these are the classes I’m taking next semester (enrolled in for next semester)…allegedly.”

It baffles me, that they make me enroll in classes, when they don’t even know if, and they might, kick me out.

Like I’m taking up spaces in those classes. There may be people on the waitlist. There may be people who literally want to take that class, but because I’m “allegedly” a person who’s going to be taking it, literally had to settle for some other class, switch their schedule around, etc.

Do I even need to enroll? Can you just tell me? And not make me wait?

This waiting is killing me. It has been the worst torture of my life…and yet, there’s just a few more days left. Somehow.

I don’t understand how any of this is supposed to work. If I have to transfer, that school might start a week before if I didn’t have to. That’s literally…in like a week. But only in like a week, will I probably find out what’s even the consensus. So what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to do anything? To enroll? Where to enroll? What to enroll in? What credits transfer? How much do I have to pay? Loans? How to even get over there? That would take days. How am I supposed to move out all my stuff? Orientation? Housing? Apartment? Dining halls? Meal plan? Literally everything in the world? (This is my entire world to me…)

How am I even supposed to worry about it? What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to be asking these people these questions? But they made this STUPID RETARDED system. And this is all they’ve given me. Depression, anger, no answers, anxiety, worries, dreams crushed, no information, no hope. Etc.

I’ve tried emailing people, but I think I need to do it some more.

THE IMPLICATIONS OF ALL THIS ARE JUST TOO GREAT.

And it’s weird to try to take a schedule so seriously, to get in all these classes, in all these times, with all these professors, when I don’t know if I should even remotely be trying so hard.

It makes me so angry. I’m just so angry.

Which seems pretty ironic to me. It’s ironic because seriously…why are they trying to kick me out so bad. Why don’t they want me. It’s so retarded.

Should’ve never been accepted to the school…smh. It’s so stupid, this system, that other schools don’t have it, “being accepted” but that was such a lie. “Directly admitted into the college.” Directly admitted into nothing. Liars. Not even admitted, not even a little bit.

And what makes me even more mad is that I never wanted to go to this school in the first place. I so did not want to. It was depressing accepting it. How is that I didn’t want to go, so bad, and now I’m fighting to stay here? Because actually, nah FRICK THAT. This isn’t worth the struggle. I mean, I’m not one to usually give up. But I haven’t even. I still tried so hard. And now that I see it was pointless, I’m just mad.

Some of the canvas courses are uploaded (chemistry)

Some the professors (chemistry) keep emailing me to start their courses (which makes me kind-of mad since this is supposed to be my break).

But the irony of not even knowing if I will start, or ever do, their course..!

Some students (chemistry) keep emailing questions about the courses. Why are they already starting it? Do they not have a life? Or know, or want, the concept of a break?

So I haven’t started doing anything. Not only cause it’s “break,” but because why would I start when I don’t even know if I’ll even remotely have to do any of all that.

I wish I knew, then I could start. But what’s the point what’s the point.

Sometimes I actually feel like I wasn’t born to be happy. Sometimes I do genuinely feel like I’m just too tragic. I don’t know why any of this is happening to me, and how I deserve it.