Alone = better

Being alone is better.

Staying alone is better.

(I mean this in the relationship sense. I definitely wouldn't mean it in a friends-way. I love my friends so much, and couldn't imagine life without them.)

But as far as relationships go, staying single is best.

Allow me to explain.... it'ts actually pretty simple.

When you're single and stay single:

1. You can't get your heart broken.

2. You can't break anybody elses' heart (you don't have to; you would never be put in that position, and it's a horrible position).

Yeah probably, only a person who has been in multiple situations like this already, only a person whose love has thrown for quite a few twists, turns, and punches, would be saying this. And I admit: I am that person. I am a person like that.

It might seem ironic, because I'm a romantic, right? I love romance (unless it's cringey).

I too, along with, in my imagination, everybody who has ever known me (well obviously not a stranger), would know that, and does know that.

And I used to think of myself that way.. But now I'm thinking very differently. I think I have changed. Or perhaps it was gradual all along, and just now I am piecing it together. Perhaps it was only because of recent experiences, or maybe that was the catalyst.

But I'm starting to think more and more that my love of romance only applies to love of romance for other people.

Because when it comes to me, I fucking hate romance. I fucking hate my romance.

I don't know what it is in me, but having feelings for someone is so genuinely fucking inconvenient when they don't like you back.

And knowing me, I'm just the type of person who either

1. falls madly in love with someone (happens very very rarely, has happened to me twice, both times pretty unexpectedly)

2. doesn't like or have feelings for a given person at all.

It's so one or the other, and it hurts, so bad, when you fall in love with someone who doesn't love you back. Doesn't want you as bad as you want them. It's such a horrible combination and situation to live in.

It's so stupid, and it makes me so mad.

Especially when it's someone so immature; someone who gives mixed signals; someone who can't reach out themselves and make their feelings clear; leaves you pondering.

So done with pondering. Even if you're confusing me no that's it I'm done. I think it's best to always assume they don't feel the same way, no matter if my heart tries to tell me otherwise.

I tell myself: I cannot physically be disappointed if I'm not expecting anything to happen. If I am, in turn, expecting nothing to happen. Because nothing loves to happen.

That's why I hate feelings. That's why I hate love (for myself).

And it never fucking makes sense the people that I fall for anyway. Well I guess, one time it kind-of did. But the other time, it doesn't even make sense to me. Like, would've made so much more sense if it was someone else.

I also have been known to not be an emotional person. So myself, this goes for me. Yet I can sympathize for people. I can feel and love their romances.

I know I may sound dramatic af- but I want you to understand that I'm a very independent person. I can be on my own; I can see myself dying alone (again, in the romantic sense...)

It sounds so dramatic, and everyone always tries to tell me there's no way I'll end up alone...

I have a few theories why I'm like this:

1. Perhaps my experiences have forced me to be this cold, romance-hating, okay-with-being-alone and never expecting anything person. It hurts too bad to be anything else. So basically, it's a defense mechanism.

2. People think the idea of never finding someone romantically is so horrible, but I think settling is way more horrible and terrifying. So to me, that was always the nightmare; one worse than having someone.

3. Because I know myself, and because I know how hard and random it is for me to actually fall for someone (and my checklist), I just know that the chances of that person also liking me back? Very slim.

4. And relying on someone like that? Just makes me so mad. I don't want to rely on anyone to like me back. I could never ask for that. In my mind it's all so stupid. It's supposed to be easy, if it ever happens. I shouldn't have to work or suffer for it. And I won't waste energy pining for someone. I don't care what my heart wants. My heart can shut up. It's hurt me enough, but I won't let it anymore.