An anticlimactic moment

Yesterday, after my physics exam, I checked my math final exam grade. I hadn’t checked before because it would have dumb to check before physics, I thought, since, in case it was bad, it would ruin my mood, demotivate me, cause me to do bad (worse, though this is a silly idea cause I was always screwed in the first place, but still, still valid somehow, still, this is what I felt I had to do and what was the right thing to do). Then, after the bad physics exam, I decided I needed to go to a comforting place to check. I also needed to eat dinner. So I chose this one dining hall that I find particularly comforting (the atmosphere, and occasionally the food). I went there, got food, sat inside, and checked. Well, I did so better than on the midterms, but my grade still wasn’t good. Not what it needed to be. And that’s just the actual exam score itself. But then there’s obviously the overall grade (which is all that matters, really). And obviously the overall grade is basically just exams. Exams. Exams. Exams. God I hate that word now. I’ve been conditioned to. Such a traumatic word. My grade didn’t go up. It didn’t go down. It basically stayed the exact same, and that’s why I say it was pretty anti-climatic. But obviously, in a way it was climatic, because anything but it going up means I’m screwed.

Think back to high school. I was a good student, what the hell happened? It’s so hard to go from thinking you’re a good student, to actually fucking terrible, to actually getting kicked OUT of the freaking university!! God, what happened to the university years being the best years of your life? What a lie!!! My life has infinitely times gotten worse since coming to this prison that kills your dreams. You think a university is going to make your dreams come true? Wrong fucking wrong! It is going to CRUSH you (me specifically. It might work for just about everyone else, I’m just fucking special, and NOT in a good way). Chosen to suffer. Is it because I’m Russian? Should’ve never come here, should’ve never accepted, this freaking WISCONSIN schools. I wanted to be far. I didn’t want to be stuck. I got stuck. I got so stuck and basically died, and there is no resurrection. Think of it in terms of this analogy: I was in a car. I got into a car accident. Into a ditch or pile or mud or something. Car did a bunch of cool flippy flips. Smashed glass (Speaking of smashing glass, as I was walking to the bus stop today, construction ramped up, in a way where I couldn’t even take a particular sidewalk way I always do, which was annoying, but it must be because of winter break and all the students are leaving that the construction is suddenly ramping up. This building was getting knocked down and they were breaking the glass in the windows). That breaking glass windows: yeah so applicable. Which is exactly what I thought in the moment, too, actually, haha. I’m all about analogies. Like when I start speaking of my life in terms of school analogies because I’m such a nerd. But yeah and I died in the car crash. That’s it. Wasn’t found for a while. No one cared. Such a disappointment, disgrace. Not loved, what is there to love?