And now we wait

I was about to say a not-fully-correct statement. That there’s no more mystery.

No, there is.

I’ve rewritten my essays about five times now. I truly feel like each time I rewrite it, it becomes better. I am trying my best to appear as charming as possible in my essays. I want to make them think, “DAMN, she makes some good points. She’s logical. This makes sense. She seems like a nice girl; we should let her in.”

What made me rewrite this time fully, (like, taking like half of it and cutting that chunk out, and adding a lot that was not in there), was feeling like I had too much pity.

Believe me, this semester was horrible, and part of me wants them to know that; wants them to suffer a little bit by reading my essay; by seeing my suffering.

But part of me thinks that’s ineffective. And will get me nowhere. Then I thought about the logical points I have said to people, and even in my blog.

Actually, this blog might be my savior. We shall just have to wait and see if it does the trick. Can it save a truly hopeless situation and soul? Was it actually my salvation, and everything I needed? (A lot of pressure maybe, blog, lol, deal with it. As I have been all this time. Get a taste of medicine. What am I even writing about at this point).

Because, yesterday, as I was writing, I was like “damn, this is kind-of good. These might be things I should put in my essay.” Spoken from the heart. Spoke the truth.

Because, I think it’s different when I’m writing a prompt, and I don’t clearly see what’s good to say and persuasive. Like ironically, each time I wrote my essay, I thought it was good. But I guess even then, I had my doubts.

But now seriously, I feel like probably my best writing (just this blog in general)…well it’s no prompt. It’s just true words spoken from the heart. And even if there “is” a prompt, such my list of ideas, well it’s mine, it’s just what I want to talk about from the heart, so it’s completely different still. Always different, being told what to do vs just wanting and doing something yourself…there will always be a crazy big distinction. Now is this distinction enough to save me?

At least, I don’t have to keep checking my physics exam grade, to see if it was uploaded yet or not, every two seconds. That’s done, and thank God it’s not worse than what it is (still bad; could be worse). I also don’t have to wonder what my chem and math grade is either. Like final grades.

I thought it was hopeless, but I guess I’m saying..there’s hope? It’s not over until it’s over. And if it were proven that it was over, that would be a tragedy, but one that I would have to accept.

Did I learn? Did I grow? Well, hell, like certainly I did!

Character development, for sure. Builds character.