At least, it’s all over!

Sitting on the bus on my way home right now and at least, it’s all over, right? (Hehe, I say as I’m literally melting, falling apart, bombs afray, etc).

I’ve been waiting for this moment for a very long time. It’s felt like eternity since the semester/classes ended, since studying/finals have started, since people have left, and I was still waiting here for days for my last fateful finals that I felt cooked for. It’s all been torture. All the waiting. This. But the entire semester, too, we can’t forget that.

Like, patience is a virtue, right? Well I’ve learned that sometimes, for some things, I actually really hate patience and really suck at it. (Actually though, what is sucking at patience? Becuase in reality, you can’t suck at something where you just kind-of wait and do nothing and just distract yourself…like you’re not actually doing anything…right? That you can’t suck at that?)

But I do suck and I hate it when it’s something as important as my entire future, career, and life. Etc etc. Then I suck and I hate it.

So this semester felt like torture, and it was not fun. Genuinely felt like I was in a cage and like I’ve described so many times by this point, forced to watch this awful show. Hands tied. (The awful show is my life so it sucks, having to watch it). AND not being able to do anything about it, too.

I tried so hard and genuinely what was the point of all of that? If everything happens for a reason, what was the reason for ANY of this? Me coming to Madison at all? I feel like I hate the place so much, with a burning passion. Their SYSTEM. (Another thing I need to write about. Systems!) Their stupid retarded system. Because how can you tell me it is not flawed…that it is actually smart and serving a good hearted purpose…no it is inherently stupid. I will not back down on this. It feels so common sense to me…too…*sigh*

So it’s hard to understand right now whether I’m glad or whether I’m sad. Well, obviously I am sad. I’ve been sad. But am I at least glad that it’s over? But it being over means “game over,” too. But yeah it is been torture. I am glad. I am glad to be out of that hellhole. If they don’t want me, jokes on them cause I never wanted them to begin with. And if things are really the way I believe they are, I will be cursing UW-Madison’s name for the rest of my life. Perhaps the whole city too. And anything associated with it. “Madison.” “Badgers.” This school is so retarded, that I cannot. I just want to leave.

The irony is undisputable and practically unspeakable: A school I never wanted to go to in the first place, and I’m, what now? Fighting my life to stay here? Screw this.

Throughout the semester, I believed, that if I would start to get the bad grades I knew that would screw me over and not allow me to be let in, that I would be freaking out, couldn’t breathe, and would be depressed. I was somewhat right, and somewhat wrong. It was indeed hard to breathe when I would check my grades, and I feel so busy and like I couldn’t breathe and like I was dying. But somehow, even now, it always felt like I had to keep living, and that in some weird hope way, “it’s not over until it’s over.” But isn’t it, Masha? What is there to hope for? What would I be hoping for at this point? Seems I, would be a fool, to have any of that four-letter word now. I’m a disappointment. A failure. I have failed everyone and disappointed everyone. The people who believed in me, why would you ever do such a thing? Can’t you see? It’s hopeless.

I thought, I would just give up. But I didn’t. I knew I would still keep going until the very end. I thought, I wouldn’t let it be “my fault,” though I scoff at that now, cause who else’s would it be? Literally no one’s. It’s obviously just me. I’m the problem.

I did not survive that. I’m dead.