Bio and stats after challenge boring

At the beginning of the semester, before the semester had even started, I made a prediction about how bio and stats would be my easy classes.

Like, just as they are, the subjects already.

But also, bio and stats are ap classes I have taken, so that additionally helps.

My other classes, are not only topics I think are generally difficult, but the material is completely new to me on top of it. They are advanced science/chemistry/engineering/physics courses: of course I have never taken them. Anywhere, and obviously not at this institution either.

As it turns out, my prediction was a very accurate one to make.

In fact, a little too accurate.

Almost in a negative way.

Because, it has gotten to the point where I’m kind-of even bored in stats and bio.

Multitasking in stats, zoning out in bio. Allow me to elaborate.

In stats, I have a bad habit I can’t seem to shake. I come in that class from a different one and bit of a break in between. I don’t know what messes me up. To be honest it’s probably the rhythm and timing. And the break. But I always come in, and already I’m focused and working on something else.

There is no horseplay in this major. The only way I am able to handle my workload (and still make any time leftover for whatever else I just want to do, like this, and spending time with other people) is to stay ON TOP OF IT. During the school day, or work day, if you want, if there is any time in between anything, I am using it. Getting ahead. Never procrastinating. That could be something I additionally write about: procrastination has to be an option. Who knows (maybe you know) that could be my next blog post. The argument basically is: I don’t have time to procrastinate. It’s physically impossible because if I were to do this, I’d actually fail everything and flunk out of college and become a college dropout. But even if I could, I’d still choose not to. That is just not my nature, it’s never been, it’s not good habits. I like my habits pertaining to this, they’re good habits, they’re been toned and have served me well. They’ve gotten me this far, and I believe they can get me even farther. Again, it’s just not who I am. But this, this is a part of who I am. I grind so I can have chill days like this. Wednesdays. Because my Mondays and Tuesdays are busy. And things usually due on Wednesdays. That’s why the combination is bad. However it works for me, since I’m used to this from high school and literally all my life. That’s why this major never felt different or really that much of an adjustment from high school. Like I have been training for this all my life. So you can imagine my shock getting rejected. Not to mention feeling like it’s not fair. It doesn’t feel right, because nothing ever felt wrong leading up to this. This just the path I chose. It felt right. It felt like common sense. Nothing should feel different. I can never imagine myself doing something different. I chose this, I know it’s right because I feel it deep down in my soul, and I have never looked back!

But this Wednesday is not that bad! I have no homework, I grind so I can write and chill, and focus on YOU. It should be a good day! Right now as I’m writing this I’m facing the outside from a higher floor and sipping on a pink drink so feels pretty good. Planning to eat some good food and meet a friend later…maybe scrapbook…nothing feels that bad right now. Even if it secretly is.

So when I come into stats, it’s hard to shake it off. Already I’m working on something, so I naturally just want to finish it. That’s my thing: if it’s not finished, I’m constantly thinking about it until it’s done. For me, it’s very much not, “out of site out of mind.” It’s “done out of mind.” But until it’s done, it’s not out of mind. It’s very much in mind, occupying mind. I always described it to my friends in high school as a “cloud” hanging over my head. Genuinely that’s what it feels like.

In my brain, it’s only sunny, or gets progressively more sunny, when I remove these clouds.

That’s why, when I get overloaded, or during the semester, why life feels so much more stressful and harder. That’s why the fall and winter months, which are so heavy into school, I probably feel the worst. This is when that like seasonal sort of sense depression hits, and this is when I listen to my depressing music (except I kind-of listen to it all year, because school is three seasons, not two, but that’s a little besides the relevancy). I literally made a playlist called “fall/winter depression arc music” playlist this year. Formerly known as “my sad lil music” playlist, but even though I listen to sad music potentially all year, whenever I just personally listen to music by myself, this is actually a much better descriptor title. I believe I made the playlist last year, freshman year, but this year it hit different with school taking on scary implications. Things in my life just took such a dark turn, and the stakes were so much higher this fall. Everything fell through though, and apparently does not matter anymore.

During the spring and summer, I actually do partially listen to happier music. But the thing is, things don’t really feel happy right now, or that they will be, in the summer, or for a while. In fact they will only get worse. So I anticipate the saddest of summer songs this summer for myself (lol I’m like predicting it for myself like it’s the weather or something, and as if I don’t control it). Hey I mean in the grande scheme of things, what do we really control? Personally I feel no control. Things just happen.

Don’t get me wrong, things will definitely be better in the summer. Just not dealing with this hell semester and all these problems quite in the same way anymore (even though I’ll obviously have new problems like setting up and making sure everything is set up for Montana for next year). But hopefully, I can deal with a lot of that now, even though it’s hard with time (I’m busy) and depressing (to think about).

Also, the physical clouds I’m describing it in my head, well they feel a lot better in the spring and summer. The spring semester just always feels easier. The stakes are over, the temperature is rising, I’m not freezing all the time, and it’s not getting dark at 3:30. It’s more like 5:30 now! I only randomly noticed that difference like a week ago. Even if, obviously, the semester is still going on, and it’s still hell, still. Just still. I feel like things are just easier. The worst classes seem to be in the fall (again I feel like I’m contradicting myself). But things just don’t seem as bad in the spring. Even if there’s just as much to do(which there definitely are!) Like, today, I felt stressed because I felt like I just kept continually adding more things to my to-do list, I just kept remembering things like little “aha” moments(I made an online version of a paper planner on my iPad, because I basically use it for everything school and personal now, that’s why it discharges so fast. I don’t use paper like at all. In fact I feel so bad for the people I sit around because I’m constantly forgetting pencils (I don’t even carry those anymore) for quizzes we have in classes). What I do is basically copy and paste and redo each week. I have all my classes in like a grid (but the paper is lined with thick lines like notebook paper- for ease) table-chart with all my classes relatively in order. They’re in order of basically whichever class I encounter first in the week.

All of this is not to say that ap stats and ap bio in high school weren’t even challenging. They actually were. Quite so. I’ve already talked about how in ap bio, it felt harder than ap chem sometimes. Bio is very easy, and at the same time, gets very challenging at other parts. I guess life is complicated, and bio must reflect this. But that class was just not structured very well. In ap stats though I loved my teacher and I’ve realized he was a very good teacher because he employed really good teaching techniques (something I want to write separately about).

But yeah, like today, I was sitting in stats and I was working on my lecture essay for bio. And oftentimes in between listening to stats notes (I still listen, I still take all the notes, I guess I just multitask) I read for bio. Even though sometimes it makes me feel like I’m losing my head. I get so tired at the moment of information that is attempted to be shoved into my brain on Tuesdays.

I was just literally bored in stats today. It felt sad. Sometimes, though less rare, I feel bored in something like mechanics of materials or maybe chem if it feels particularly easy. Those are still new subjects though, whereas these are basically review (from ap, and like I said, if you put time and effort, you remember, or for bio I keep getting flashbacks from like freaking middle school bio, and it’s only intro bio, though I’ve heard the second semester is still quite simple).

And in bio, there is no class I zone out more in. Again, I pay attention, but I just really feel so depressed in that class, and I don’t know if it’s because it’s easy, and if I just feel like I can. I’ll stare at the floor and look up sometimes to look at the slides, but I also download them unto my iPad anyway. I still take notes. Something about that class…makes me just think about how temporarily everything is. And I don’t mean bio. I don’t mean like life. I mean my time here, how I have to transfer. I sit there and think every lecture how things got so far.

Another thing I think it is is after the classes I have taken that I have been thrown into (*cough cough statics cough cough*) this feels like nothing! It actually feels like babied. I literally get mad in bio lab and discussion because it feels like such a waste of time. In discussion we literally go over like 4-page homework we do for 1 point and do some activity that just is exactly what the homework was. Like today, we went over homework and then the in-class discussion activity was literally modelling transport systems (literally modelled on the homework!) with playdough and drawing on a whiteboard? I was not about to touch that nasty playdough. I sit there and it makes me fume. I actually count the minutes. I hate sitting in there. I don’t necessarily dread it, because I don’t think about it, and I have so much before in terms of classes, times, to-do list, things I’m doing, places I’m walking, and things I’m thinking about doing, that I don’t necessarily think about it. Which is probably a good thing. But once I’m there, I hate it. Every minute of it.