Busiest week(s) of my life

Holy bad words, guys!!

This past week(s) (I don’t know, I can’t keep track of time, everyday is just miserable lmao) have been…welll…there is it is, I’ve said it: miserable. But not just miserable but also like absolutely so busy. They quite constantly might have been the busiest week(s) of my life!!

First, consider that this past weekend was Valentine’s Day weekend, so I had like no time on Saturday. Then couple that (omg not coupling constants in HNMRs) with homework, and the best part: THREE EXAMS!!! And still plans for the next (aka this) weekend too! A party and a party…lol. On Friday and Saturday. Even though the ochem quiz…preparing for that is always horrible. My prof said it won’t be that bad because we just had an exam…but idk if that can be trusted even though I do love him.

Wow, I really dislike myself. And on the contrary, I really like to make myself suffer.

This is what I get, and all I can expect, from taking not 1 not 2 not 3 not 4 but 5 stem classes.

Every semester, when I would set up my schedule, I’d be like “hmm this is bad idea” and do it anyway!! I would always just be like, “I’ll deal with it…later.”

Aka into the semester.

I really want to be done with this semester, though. So many things I’m not enjoying about it. Nothing feels the same anymore. I kind-of just want to get out of here, even though like I said, I don’t really want to go anywhere. I don’t know how to win, honestly. Kind-of just feels like there is no place for me (to go).

Somehow it has already been so long though. Things are really heating up because it’s week 5 and it’s midterm week. However week 5 means…1/3 of the way done! I need that to keep me going. The weeks here go by SO fast because I have no time with so much to do. Monday Tuesday slight break ish on Wednesdays because I only have two classes and then Thursday is bad again and then we have Friday which is nice classes wise but also when I have to start all my weekend homework/aka homework for the next week because I also don’t have time on Mondays, Tuesdays, or Thursdays and things are due on Wednesdays, mostly.

But so far I’ve been developing a bit of a habit that on Wednesdays I sit in a café from the time that I have lunch (around 1pm) to the time I have dinner (around 7pm) and just sit there doing work or writing. Today I spent about 5 hours doing homework and studying for my exams tomorrow. But right now I’m writing with my updates. I just checked and what’s funny is that my last publication date was exactly a week ago, meaning a Wednesday as well, lol! The reason why Wednesdays are chill is because all my assignments are due on Wednesdays, so they’re either done by Wednesday, or I’m just finishing them up and not starting anything for the next week yet (until Thursday or more often Friday because I don’t have much motivation OR time on Thursdays and schedule is packed, 7:45am 4 hr ochem lab, etc etc). Stuff isn’t even always published for the next week on Wednesdays either way, like for example, in biology the assignments are only published on Wednesdays evenings for the next week. And the other thing is, the week is only in the middle, so I wouldn’t really be able to complete things fully yet (still things to learn!) I get a venti pink drink and açaí bowl. It’s tradition. I also need to take advantage, because I’ll miss these açaí bowls, and this is one of the only days of the week I’m available to get them. Also another tradition is apparently listening to AJR as I write.

And the worst part is that it’s not going to get better for a while. Next week I have biology exam and ochem quiz (even though we LITERALLY had an exam yesterday, it’s ridiculous and I’m mad about it).

Lately I have no time for myself, and instead I just feel constantly stressed because I’m constantly fighting for time to get everything done. Things just keep piling on, but there’s not necessarily more time to do those things. Classes always run at the scheduled times, and my schedule is so packed. The worst schedule I’ve ever had by far. Three of the days, and two in a row.

And the combination of things is so bad. So many personal problems too, that additionally contribute to no down time or just time to relax. Because even if I do get away from my personal problems, it’s only to rush to do work and fight for time, not relax. People are bringing me pain. Need to get away. I’m trapped in so many toxic situations, cycles, and systems!!!

Things that I need to do or want to do for myself just keep getting pushed back and back. I don’t even have time to look for people for the apartment.

The only reason I’m even writing right now, is basically because I might lose it. I’m taking breaks in between doing practice problems for mechanics of materials (one of my two exams tomorrow, statistics was also blowing my brains earlier) and writing. Losing my sanity.

What was really sad, was I’ve had one exam so far this week. I studied so hard, I called with my dad for two and half hours about organic chemistry, and yet I think it went terribly.

I’m also scared to check my grades. Especially for ochem lab. Because as I was studying for this ochem exam (the lab and ochem are separate classes, so I’m talking about two separate classes and two separate exams, to be clear) I was realizing all these misconceptions I had and thinking “hmm did I do that wrong on the lab exam shoot.”

It is frustrating when you put in so much effort into studying and then you feel like it goes terrible. This is exactly how I felt for the ochem I final last semester. This might’ve been my worst ochem exam in the entire sequence.

Just feel so stressed out with school. I try so hard and don’t see results.