Dissociative disorder

I am not serious about the mental health disorder. But I remember learning about it in AP Psych, and I thought it was the coolest thing, because you feel disconnected from your body, from yourself. It’s a cool thing, however probably also unpleasant, wrong, (and bad).

But there are some other ways I have indeed felt dissociated. Here are some examples.

1. Fate with school. I’ve talked about this in the blog post entitled “Hands.” It’s basically the really weird dual, controversial, completely polar-opposite experience/feeling of mine where I feel as if I have total control of my fate, it’s in my hands, and at the same time, totally and completely not. And I don’t know which one would even make me feel better or worse, but you can read more about that in that blog post.

2. This particular feeling/experience I have felt for a while, and have already thought about it and described it a ton. It’s where I feel as if I am disconnected from my body in some kind of cage, where I can’t escape. But the cage is glass, or there’s some kind of mirror, where I not only can, but let’s say, am forced to watch the “real” me living her life. And I can’t do anything about it and am powerless. I can only watch. It’s like watching a movie. I watch, and see what’s going to happen. How things are going to play out. In a way, it’s fun. Like watching a movie. You don’t know what’s going to happen. It’s a surprise, and you’re just as clueless as a viewer. It’s passive. You have no control. But like the “Hands” controversy- it feels bad. You don’t know what’s going to happen.

3. Not being able to control your feelings (especially when that can also majorly impact or make up your fate).

4. Or, I swear, there are so many times, where I don’t actually care, I don’t care what other people think, I don’t feel or think nervous, but my body seems to think/act differently, and I exhibit physical symptoms of nervousness.

5. Same with stomach growling. Not hungry

6. Or in lecture, I am interested in the subject, I love the subject, I have a deep rooted interest, I want to pay attention, to absorb every detail, to be detail-oriented, so why am I falling asleep? This happened yesterday, first day of school, in Russian literature. I am deeply rooted to Russian literature, in the culture, etc. So why? And I definitely got enough sleep before the first day of school, too. I was not, in any way, tired.

7. Or what about what people really care about something, but not enough? They love animals, but they could never be vets? Or the old, I hear this a lot, “too much school” excuse? So you care, but you actually don’t? Isn’t it precisely when you care, that you would then be actually absolutely perfect for the job? Please don’t take on a job/career you don’t care for. No, indeed, as I learned from one lecturer in Personal Finance senior year of high school (one of the only, really good things, I learned in that useless class) was that that’s one of the main ways you decide your future career and job. You have to care, and care a freaking lot. It has to make you “tick.” Make you mad; make you sad. You will be the best one there.

8. Lastly, walking around as a sophomore in freshman’s places, like dorms and dining halls. And simultaneously remembering people from last year, you from last year, like your experiences and how you were a freshman too, as well as comparing, or the version of you from last year, how you’ve changed. It’s weird walking around the same places but everything seems different, like you have memories but you were a different person. But you’re the same person, actually. And it’s really freaky feeling like you’re dissociated from your body, or like an imposter, where everyone seems to think you are things you are not. Also read. “What appears vs what it is” for more on this topic and more examples. There are two more other examples that appeared in that post.

9. Engineering, the appearance of smartness, put together ness, and like nothing is falling apart. Even when no one knows how you truly feel, and it makes you feel dissociated (from your body, yourself, reality, other people…)

10. And lastly yapping and appearing perfectly fine and happy (kind-of along the same lines…)