Ending

Dear blog,

I am just as sick of writing about this situation as anyone is probably reading about it. I realize it has been a lot, but even more so, living through it. And if you are me, or understand me, you’d understand how I had to write about it, wanted to write about it, and could write about nothing else, because it was so tragic, it was so important to me, and it occupied my entire life. I mean, this really does, affect my entire life. If only you knew.

I don’t regret writing about it, and I still loved what I wrote, in a way, but I love this too, and it does have to have an ending.

The thing is, now it is all coming to an end. Whatever the answer must be.

And that is why I must finish up with all my final words on this topic: but believe me, I am just as done. This story must come to an end. This torturous horrible story. I can only hope…that it is a happy ending.

So now, I must say anything I have left to say on the topic. And this will be the last time, I promise. Because I cannot talk about it anymore, too. And naturally, it must all come to an end. It is all coming to an end. I don’t know if it’s finally time, that makes me realize I can’t talk about it anymore, or conveniently it’s time right when I can’t talk about it anymore…but either way, the ending is the same.

I can’t sleep lately. I thought it was just a few days of break that I couldn’t sleep, but now that I really think about it and reflect, without the cover of denial, I actually have not been sleeping well at all. Every night I try to sleep for hours and what do I do instead? I pray and I cry a lot. I can’t stop crying, and I can’t stop thinking about. I can’t stop thinking about how horrible it would be for me. I try to cover my head with the blanket but nothing helps. There is no remedy for this torture. Only to wait until I find out. But the waiting is starting to kill me, even though I can literally smell the end.

I think to myself, “No no, I actually just can’t even imagine that. It can’t be!” I cannot imagine living. I cannot imagine surviving this. How would I live? Sitting at home and doing nothing? While everyone else is at school or work? No no, I can’t imagine that. I can’t imagine surviving that. It is worse than a nightmare.

And it only become true when I was faced with reality that I’ll have no other option. What I used to think was the worst option isn’t even an option anymore and something much much worse than my worst nightmare has replaced it. I hope God knows I won’t survive it. I hope he doesn’t try to put me through it. I am not saying I know better than God. I just really don’t see myself surviving this in any way.

I really thought today was the day. I believed it. But it wasn’t. But there can only be 4 other maximum days it can possibly be. The confusion stemmed from my remembrance of the June response time. For some reason, I had convinced myself; I only had one number in my head. 14. But it was June 16, not 14. However it was a Monday, which I remember very clearly. Today is a Monday. But today was not the day, to my surprise, to what I truly thought and believed. But that was also June…and now, allegedly, school starts next week. It is NOT the same. This is ridiculous. And they might be screwing me over.

I only remember first learning about it. “Wait hold up again. Rewind. You can…they might…*kick* me out of the school?” Yup, that’s right. Never supposed to happen to someone like me…I keep telling myself that at night too. “I don’t deserve this.” Distractions are good, but nothing can truly distract me from something like this. And being alone in this situation is the worst. But I am alone. I am incredibly alone. And I can only be alone.

We are so so close now. To either imminent death or happiness. Which one will it be? Which way will the scale fall? So close. So all-or-nothing.

Blog, I don’t know which way it’s going to tip. I am so sick of feeling like my life is on the brink of death, and everything can change at any moment. And when I say everything, I mean, EVERYTHING. You’d think I would be used to it by now. It’s horrible to be this patient when I’m being tortured and forced to watch. It’s like I’m watching the Hunger Games, but all the characters are just things in my life eating each other, killing each other, and falling apart. Is this goodbye? To you, to happiness, to everything, I’ve ever known? I feel as if I’ve been crushed. All my dreams, hopes, somehow not entirely my motivation, passion, and determination, but self-esteem, has been crushed.

Sincerely,

Masha