Feeling like I’m not enough for anyone

I don’t want to be yelled at for writing this but it’s just the way I feel. I suppose it’s just how I feel on a daily basis, although, certain things can also most definitely trigger to make me feel this way.

Obviously I don’t feel the best right now. And have been feeling this way for a while now.

I already wrote about how I feel like I’m not good at anything. Like, if anything, that’s what these past few months have made me realize and what they have proven.

I feel like ~not enough~ in every way imaginable.

I don’t even have social media right now, I haven’t had it for months, and yet somehow, it still feels like…just so much worse than everyone.

Why is this happening to me hahaha….it will be more clear in a few days…

When I feel this way, it’s hard to imagine or understand why anyone would want anything to do with me.

I don’t know, but when I wrote the thing about feeling “not enough” it reminded me of Pam from The Office show, when she thinks she’s not enough, and she says that to Jim. Who then makes her that romantic video and gives her that letter and says her famous words, “Not enough? (Or was it “not enough for me?” Anyway…) You are….EVERYTHING.” So cute. But just the way she felt…that’s how I feel.

Not successful. Stupid. Dumb.

But it doesn’t just stop there.

I keep watching YouTube, and it somehow makes me feel even worse. Like it’s comforting, in a way. The office videos I keep mentioning. But then again, like I just said, the whole Pam thing. Somehow…everything just keeps affecting.

Even things that comfort me…end up making me feel worse.

Like this girl I always watch, she makes videos about styling outfits and she’s like an influencer or whatever so she gets invited to all these fashion designer events.

She styles, she puts on makeup like everyday, she knows all these brands.

None of what her life is, is what I would want for myself. I don’t even like makeup. I don’t like being told what to wear or how to do my makeup (which only sometimes happens to her but that’s besides the point). I think it’s just hard feeling like literally anyone wouldn’t have a better life than me at this point. I don’t like materialism. I don’t like the million of makeup products she uses or how she knows all the brands. I don’t like or want any of this, it’s all so besides the point. I do watch her though, because she’s entertaining, funny, and I still like to see just how creative she gets with makeup and I like fashion so I like to see what she wears and styles and creates (a lot of the time she’s making her own clothes or DIY-ing stuff or challenging herself with styling). But everything looks so good on her, and it just looks like her life is so fun and worry less (though I would have too much anxiety with all of those events she goes to, in every way possible—>like the people, the security, the thing she wears would make me uncomfortable and unpleasant like not even enjoying, or even having to leave the house that often and under those fashion and makeup conditions/restrictions yikes that just sounds so not it for me).

I just feel so not enough in every way.

It’s so hard writing without wanting to sound ungrateful or stupid. But are feelings really ever stupid? They just are. They just exist.