Finding it really hard to cope

Dear blog,

Don’t get me wrong, still finding it very hard to cope.

Yesterday I looked up (I needed to do it for my own sanity; I just had to know) the ranking for Montana State for the same program. I didn’t look into it too much, so the numbers I have might not even be the most accurate. Whether they’re better or worse, I don’t want to know. Don’t need to be more disappointed, just needed to get an idea of what I was working with.

Obviously it is not even in the top 50. When I looked before, pretty sure it was more like 150 or even worse. I was seeing 70 or something, but it doesn’t matter. I know it’s not that good.

It’s really difficult, this aspect of it.

Knowing that I’m going from a much better, much stronger school, to a worse one is very difficult for me. It’s probably very difficult to anyone who values education and school as much as I do. Someone who’s made their life be dedicated to that, their biggest dream, and the goal they strive most towards…all their focus, and attention, yeah that’s going to take a hit.

It’s hard. It hurts.

But I don’t know. When I look up the Madison rankings, obviously I get the sense they’re good, I know they’re good. I know they’re so much better. I know the two don’t even compare. They’re not on the same level. At all. But the rankings seem ambiguous to me too. They always compare with just public universities to make themselves look better, Montana State isn’t cocky like that and doesn’t do that, so it’s always confusing and I don’t get a really good real sense of how Madison compares. Or if they don’t compare to just public universities, they won’t include all the schools that offer BME, which is strange. I know because I know approximately how many schools offer the degree, and it is not the same number as the number they’re saying they’re ranked out of. But whatever, like I said, I don’t want to look into it or know too much, for sanity reasons, just how I also feel like I needed to somewhat check/know for sanity reasons as well.

I didn’t make it an easy semester. It feels like so many difficult life situations are just wrapped up into one. Everything just builds and builds.

Like I said, yesterday was nice…and then again… I had to create a Facebook account just to learn that that was pointless. Unless my account is 3 months old (but this is a time-sensitive issue), I basically can’t do anything with that account. I think it thinks I’m a bot. So I had to get someone else to post my “please take over my lease” information and I just feel bad making them do everything, like reply to people who may be looking for a lease. I would do all of that, and instead have to burden someone else with my stupid life and stupid problems. I had to update the term for Montana as well.

It’s just…sad, thinking about all these problems. Having to deal with it, having to make that account, that being pointless, having to make that post, looking at other peoples’ for examples, looking for people. Everything that’s happened, and the reasons and rationale for it. It’s all so FRUSTRATING. The possibility of no one taking my lease or me subletting to someone is terrifying and horrible.

Like I said, I just feel like crying all the time and nothing feels right anymore. Everything is hard. It’s difficult being around people. It’s difficult being here. It’s difficult being anywhere, actually. It’s painful existing.

I think I was sitting in chem lecture the other day actually when I was thinking and came to this realization that I just don’t want to be anywhere…and I don’t know where this leaves me.

I don’t want to be here, on this campus. I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to go to a different campus, university, or Montana.

There is literally nowhere for me to go, and nowhere for me to be. It really does feel like downhill from there.

Sure my friends make me feel…better. And sure I love them. But I just feel sad. And I don’t know what’s enough anymore.

Even if I were to think about doing something different for once, like trying out the “University Health Services” I actually just don’t have time.

In lecture I just sit there and zone out. I still listen, because my classes are too important to not listen. But I’ll just stare at the floor, not look at the slides. I’ll only look at them enough to absorb the information, then look back down to stare at the floor.

I mean right now it’s late, and I’m only writing this because I feel like it’s too late to work on my super-confusing super-long lab report and I don’t have the energy for it. I’m tired. But all day everyday there’s just no time. Yesterday was nicer, before I had to start working on this lab report. But yesterday was also full of sadness, if you think about all the lease stuff I began to deal with and the tragedies that came with that. Even dealing with this stuff, even thinking about it, is sad.

Edit: I’m finally done with the lab report! That probably took like…a day in terms of hours.

I had the most annoying problem where my Excel was in Russian and there was actually nothing I could do about it. Only the organizers are able to change that. It took me like 3 hours to figure this out. How am I to solve technological problems? I actually hated my life so much at this moment! I had to try to change my chrome to Russian and then my entire computer. I felt like my identity was being taken away, and I double hated the university so much for this and all their dumb instructions. I wasted so much time. That changing also did nothing. Eventually chatGPT helped me figure out that there was no solution except trying to email the people to change it, or going along with it. So I had to “Russify” the formula in the cell to Мин from Минимум instead of Min. And then it worked! God! That wasn’t even supposed to be hard!