First day of sophomore year uni

Today was my first day of (sophomore year university) school. I feel weird. Like an imposter. Like I don’t even deserve to be here. Because it feels like I shouldn’t be here, and especially I don’t know if I will be here in the time to come.

For context, I’ve been dreading this day for so many months, as you can read more about in “What school feels like now.” I don’t know why I felt so nervous, in a way. Or maybe it was just that I thought I would be? That I should’ve been?

Nervous, indeed, seems like the complete 100% wrong emotion to describe how I felt.

More-so scared for my future and like an imposter, like in the blog post titled “Hands.”

It’s not that sitting in lectures would make me nervous. I knew that. But it’s just that it’s the start. The process starts NOW. One thing meant the other. End of camp > meant end of August, beginning of a new trip that sure felt long but was now in August and would end mid-August > after that trip ended and I came back: pure depression, because now that straight-up meant > school, thinking about it, dreading the start of it, preparing for it > move in = being dragged back to prison > and now the cruelty and torture has began.

Back to prison?! Fall arc music starts NOW. Fall/winter depression music starts NOW.