High standards

Why do I have such high standards for myself, you ask? Because it’s me we’re talking about! Do you even know me???

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I feel like I have high standards for myself in terms of everything. It’s not an egotistical thing in the slightest.

It’s more like, this firm belief and idea of the person I want to be and even have to be, the standards I have to uphold in order for this to happen. For some person that I’m known as…

Or sometimes, I’m just so picky and even the littlest things bother me, or I’m strict about. Such as knowing that touching your face is bad, so I’ll be super strict with myself and from when I wash my face in the morning to when I wash it at night, try my best not to touch it. And if I do, then I feel hard on myself because it kind-of feels disgusting thinking of all the oil, dirt, and bacteria I could have introduced. And I know it’s not nearly all that automatic, deep, and serious all the time, but, it is what it is, is the point here.

Or just being an unproblematic person. And this is where I feel denial comes in a lot. I don’t want to be problematic, so unless it’s something I absolutely have to bring up, I won’t. Because in my mind, if it just bothers me and isn’t actually a problem and is just stupid and my stupidity and annoyance, then it isn’t worth it.

Other factors that go hand-in-hand with this is

1) people pleasing

2) hating drama or dramatic people/people doing dramatic actions

3) being self aware and realizing when something is too stupid and just embarrassing. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care aka it doesn’t bother me, just means it isn’t worth it.

The high standards, aka strictness, can apply in many other things too.

Such as school. I will look at my to do list and I will always have an idea of what I should get done that day. Rarely do I allow myself to relax, to change this, and to move things to a different day. Everything feels…strict, I guess. And I never procrastinate. In fact even if I did do that, I would only be more stressed. Plus procrastinating can lead me to not have time, and if I do want to relax, it can only be after that day’s to-do list is done. Obviously this can have a little bit of nuance, if I don’t have enough time between some kind of gap to start something big, in that case I might relax for a little bit. But this is not what I mean. For the greater part, my point is all the same.

Like for example, especially if it’s something that a professor says. Once my professor said to read a certain amount by the next class. Even if it feels ridiculous and impossible, I have on multiple occasions stayed up an unGodly amount of time in order to accomplish this task. Even if something is an option, I don’t treat it as such, and don’t allow myself to treat it as such. Even if I’m aching to go to bed, to get some rest, to relax or do something other than school, and haven’t had a break for a while (including weeks, days) nothing changes and everything, all my systems of doing things and getting things done, stay the same.

Maybe in some rare occasion that I do procrastinate, it somehow has to not be causing me stress. Or maybe I’m just so depressed, and unmotivated…

But if I am unmotivated and depressed I’m a fighter who will fight until the very end, and it’s not over until it IS over. Until I know that for sure, and because I know I would hate myself (the “hating yourself” is another big factor in all of this, too.) if I did not try anything but my best, I try my best. That way I can know…I tried my best…fate was in my hands? Or was it? In my mind, if I did everything in my capacity and it still wasn’t enough, then it wasn’t in my capacity to change or control to begin with…It was God’s capacity…