I can’t do it no more

I have put off writing this one for a while because it’s just too depressing to me, truly. As if I ever escape it (I don’t). But no more.

Okay, lock in, because I’m going to tell you ALL OF THE REASONS I CAN’T DO IT NO MORE.

AND BOY IS THERE A LOT.

LET ME TELL YOU. THIS BLOG POST ABOUT TO BE 7 MINUTES LONG.

BECAUSE THIS WORLD WAS NOT MADE FOR A GIRL, OKAY. AND IT SURE WASN’T MADE FOR ME.

Sometimes I really question why girls, and why I was created. That was such a cruel decision on God’s part. To create the female species…that is so much physically weaker than men…who then thought that meant they can rule over the world and rule over the female species.

Today I was going on a walk, a winter walk. It was the perfect weather for a winter walk! Snowing, and not too cold. The first song that came on when I was shuffling my “give up music” playlist… was “I can’t do it no more,” by FEVR or something like that. And that is the inspiration for the title of this blog post…though this actual blog post…I have been thinking for QUITE SOME TIME now. That is because I think about this shit everyday. Because genuinely I feel like I can’t guys, anymore.

Let me first tell you about these two playlists. I have one called “give up music” about 1k views btw). This is one is to listen to during the semester and before I get my decision. Then, when I do get it, and if it’s bad, we’ll move on to something even more dangerous. So “give up music” is actually the baby of “fall/winter depression arc” playlist (about 2k views), which I would listen to if the decision is bad. And then I truly would be very, very depressed. I’m concerned about how many views these playlists have guys lol…like actually…who be feeling the same way I am (not okay). Though, totally understandable.

This blog post truly can probably be like five separate blog posts. But I kind-of just want to make one long-ass blog post. It is New Year’s Eve to what might be the worst new year/year of my life in general yet…which means that, what possibly better thing could I have to do..! Maybe I’ll just have sections. Separate titles for what would’ve been separate blog posts, but the title is just too good, too umbrella. For everything. For all of this.

Okay first of all, the world disgusts me. It’s everywhere. Media, clothes, MUSIC (my baby, even), people, university. Women are oversexualized. I feel so useless. Can’t walk through the mall without feeling like some sexual object is all I am…and all I ever be.

Obviously this university making me feel dumb…isn’t helping. The entire history of women being oppressed by men…not helping. I’ve taken both AP history classes in high school…I would know.

Morality is dead. Religion is dead (like for the most part, I’m speaking). The world is literally so corrupt. I can’t exist without feeling so disgusted by everything and everyone (almost every single person) for a second. I can’t go outside or even within my house…media…without feeling corrupted, oppressed, succumbed to this fate.

I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to exist in this. This sucks. This literally sucks so bad. I hate being a woman. I can’t do anything.

You think things were solved when women were what, given the right to vote or something? That’s so wrong. Not only do I hear that women still aren’t paid the same, but all these shit that people say, the comments I hear everyday, still exist. Stereotypes still exist. I get shit all the time, “you shouldn’t do such a difficult career. You’re a woman. Your biggest thing in life is raising children.”

Everything I enjoy. Gone. Music? Nope. We’ll get to that. Clothes? Nope, unless you want to be oversexualized and that’s all you see.

It is so hard to hear. I LOVE children. But I feel like when this is all I am reduced to…well I’d honestly just not even exist at that point.

Maybe that is why I liked the book Frankenstein. The monster was created and was like “I am more ugly by you trying to make me human. God created a human being to be beautiful…to be in the image of him…and yet, I am only more ugly by you trying to make me human” (I am paraphrasing, but that was the idea). I thought that was beautiful, poetic, and tragic, and shit, I’m kind-of sad I can relate. Why? Just don’t create me at that point.

Most of my friends, don’t even read my blog. They don’t even see this side of me. They don’t know how I feel. They don’t know the deep shit I actually think about, because I don’t talk about this stuff in daily life. No one wants to be deep like this anymore.

I think about Russian literature. Dostoevsky. “We are to blame for everything.” Fuck, I sure hope so. Things used to be better and worse at the same time. People used to be more moral, more religious. But one thing has never changed…women either viewed as shit or treated like shit. Because even if you tried to make the argument that women have opportunities now, first of all, actually listen to me and read the arguments I’m making, and then hear this argument. Was I born in the wrong era? Wrong, was it really better then? More cases of rape. Or did that never change?

Here is where this could’ve been a separate blog post. Oppression never stopped, it’s just taken on a new form, and the sad part is, this time, women are feeding into it themselves.

Think of a couple of things:

1. Media. Not even just clothes, though we’ll get to that. “I’m just a girl.” The amount of girls I’ve heard say this; the amount of shirts I’ve seen with this written on it. Why oh why? Girls, come on! What the fuckkkkk. Literally reducing our species. Saying that genetically, because we’re girls, we’re somehow fucking worse? And can’t do things? And shoudln’t be expected to? Because we’re “just” girls? Oh my God.

2. Victoria’s Secret. DO I EVEN NEED AN EXPLANATION. So oversexualized. And just on display! For everyone to see! Why are we okay with this? As a girl, I’m not okay with it. But not like anyone is asking for my opinion, or if I am okay with it. And sadly, it seems like other women are okay with it? What happened to this world? How did it change so fast? I walk by that, and I’m not okay with it. I can’t even imagine poor little grandpas, who not only remember a different time…but don’t want to succumb to that. IT’S DISRESPECTFUL, is what it is.

3. Clearly other women are okay with it. Clearly the models posing are okay with it.

4. (This could be separate blog post too): The reason why I don’t like female music artists and celebrities. Because all they are is oversexualized. Every song is about some guy. Their outfits and costumes during concerts are ALWAYS oversexualized…it’s like the only way that they even make it or something.

Rap music. Is always terrible. It always oversexualizes women. The lyrics. Are so so bad. Make me feel worthless.

As a little girl, who grew up very insecure and always wanted to cover up because I felt insecure (though all of this, too…) I genuinely tell you, I struggled to find options that were more covered up. It made shopping very easy, actually, because there would barely be anything that could cover me, because everything else was just so open.

And literally I cannot find anything. Trying to find a modest swimsuit is like trying to discover the cure for cancer…or insert some other very difficult tedious and nearly impossible task. It took so long, it took looking in SO many places, for me to find a remotely appropriate swimsuit that covered me up for a youth summer ORTHODOX CHURCH camp.

Yeah exactly, speaking of church, all this stuff just wants me to camp out in the church and never stop praying. For become a nun or something. Because I’m so sick of it. Just want to be blocked off from the world- once and for all.

All these things I love: music, looking at clothes, it makes it so hard. Because what I have to understand, is just by trying to consume something I love, I have to also open myself up to absolute disgust and feeling horrible after. I’m surprised I’m not sick…literally all of the time.

All of this. It makes me sick, guys. It makes me SICK. What a world. To live in. This shit makes me want to cry.

That’s it. I can’t talk about it anymore lol.

I will probably go back and add more to this post where I just physically couldn’t at the time of writing it…but right now, I just can’t.

I don’t know if I even want this post to be longer, guys, but I just feel like I didn’t explain many things thoroughly and skipped over a lot because I…just physically couldn’t.

I hate being a woman in this world. Idk why I was created. I’m so sick of it. I feel like I have just have to have my own world and bubble and that’s the only way I’m able to somewhat function and live in this world.

I CAN’T DO IT NO MORE. The more I live, and see the world, the less I want to live in it.

It’s like everyone around is a zombie infected by the internet. Everyone is a brain rot child and they think the same exact way.

Sometimes I think, damn, it’s a good thing I have bad grades. Because you know what it means? That I don’t think the same way. I’m not a robot. Having perfect grades almost means you’ve been infected by the system. The system wants you to succeed that way, and regurgitate exactly what they want out of you. Their little robot. It’s so dumb.

I have ideas. Except…what to do with them?! What am I supposed to do with all these ideas. That no one else seems to have…that everyone thinks are interesting in connotations.

No one can exist for two seconds without something like TikTok. Doom-scrolling. Everyone needs to be doing something. They can’t be bored. They need to be with people. They can’t even just exist anymore. Things are so not the way they used to be, and people are so not the way they used to be either.

It disgusts me. No one can entertain themselves. Or just sit still and think. It’s so…the opposite of refreshing. It’s depressing, disgusting, I hate it, and can’t do it no more. No one can sit still. No one can think. No one is safe from the fate. Perhaps the older generations are the only ones.

Every two seconds, they need some kind of entertainment.

It’s crazy to me because I’ll just say some kind of idea and they’ll be like wow that’s so crazy and interesting. What you can get out of sitting still and thinking for two seconds, huh? No, it’s actually not that crazy, or interesting.

I thought I would feel better after writing all this out. I actually feel so so much worse, at seeing the world a little more clearly. I don’t think it’s a very good or lovely little nice place anymore. It sure doesn’t appear the way it did as a little girl. When you just want to grow up and do all the things. Well all those hopes and dreams…all that hard work…literally don’t know, what any of it was for…because none of it worked out…and even if it did, there is still all this…

Or!! Here’s another doozy! “Women in stem.” Omg, it’s as horrible as affirmative action, as horrible as just putting emphasis on things that don’t make any sense to put emphasis on. If we all just want to live with no discrimination in the world, why are we CONSTANTLY pointing and singling groups of people out! By saying “women in stem” you’re putting out there’s something unusual, something, worth pointing out…you’re drawing attention to something. You’re making something that should appear normal, wants to appear normal, suddenly appear abnormal. Just like a little child pointing. How is that blending in? How is that normal? It is drawing attention, it is literally screaming, THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG! SOMETHING NOT NORMAL HERE!

It feels like all these things are killing me and choking me to death, and yet, I can’t talk to anybody about them. Like I’m screaming. Because everyone will just be like “oh cool, interesting wow, I’ve never thought about that.” And no one will truly care, or know, how much it affects me. I care. In a world of not caring, I care. How does no one around me see any of this? Why am I the only one who sees this? It does make me feel like the “strange” one, like The Score song “Strange.” But then why do I feel like the only normal one, who sees these terrible things…I’m convinced they’re terrible…and it sees I’m the one who sees. To me, I am convinced they’re terrible and I can’t be convinced otherwise. How it will continue to affect me, with the effects lingering…this I do not know…

Time will tell.

Perhaps the worst part is, well, I guess there are a great deal of them…because a whole post of BAD,

Well, it’s not only that no one cares, and I feel alone, but it’s also that a lot of this…is actually pretty unchangable, and yet it’s not things I can accept. It won’t get better, I doubt it, but it’s not something I can accept. How am I to live? No idea honestly.