I don’t fit in anywhere.

1. The engineering system

   1. Clearly, it is not a system that works on me. If I am passionate, and they will never find someone more passionate than me…how could it?

   2. The grades are all that matter in the system.

   3. A rubric that they created…I will never forget my rant about “briefly rationalize…” and only when seeing the rubric, you see that you needed 3 reasons or whatever…you couldn’t have said that? Or saying something correct, but it’s not the rubric so…no points for you!

   4. Why are supposed to be like robots, thinking the same way, and with the same methods. When did innovative thinking become invaluable, especially to engineering? And when did it become all about grades, that being the only thing that mattered? Some measure of success?

2. Country?

   1. This is something I have been thinking about recently because sometimes, things get better, and start feeling better. And lately, I do feel a little bit more at ease and peace.

   2. I think it’s because I’ve really figured out and made peace with the fact that it is probably so much better here.

   3. Well, it was always about pros and cons, but I think the cons overrule the idea of moving someplace else this time.

   4. And, not to mention, anywhere I would want to move is in a war right now. Why would I want to set roots there?

   5. And why would I in general, want to set roots in a “worser” place?

   6. It’s hard when those “worser” roots…feel like my roots, but still, like I said, I think the cons outweigh the pros, perhaps once and for all.

   7. Education is something I could always think about doing someplace else, but really, where else would be better education? And for me personally, if it’s not here, and it’s not there…there’s no place I want to be.

   8. Similarly to how I viewed finding a university. I didn’t want to stay in Wisconsin, but if it wasn’t going to be a place I actually wanted to go, I did not see the point of leaving a place I was at the very least used to. It would be worse to taunt myself by leaving, but not to where I wanted to leave. Then might as well have never left at all. This scenario to me is an all-or-nothing.

3. And then, there’s even just this world and what it expects me to be.

   1. Being a girl in this world is not just hard for me, it’s nearly impossible. Emphasis on for me. I understand other girls may be okay with it, and maybe they just don’t even realize it, but I realize it, I see it, and I’m not okay with it. And the combination of this, especially with the first factor, is making me question the point of my patience with it all. Like, what even is the point?

   2. Everywhere, women oppression still exists. Oversexualization in every way imaginable: social media, female celebrities, music artists, magazines, movies shows media. It disgusts me. It is so hard for me to exist in this world. How to listen to music, how to find movies, videos, and shows, how to look at clothes, how to literally go anywhere (any store, and any place has music too) where I won’t be succumbed to it? It is so hard when the things you love are mixed in with things you cannot stand. What can be fun…is suddenly making you question the entire world, humanity, creation, why you were created…This is music to me, this is shows, this is movies, this is everything. Even if I didn’t like these things…I can’t go places or live. Here’s a fun little activity for you: think of any even ANIMATED CHILDREN’S movie. I bet you, somewhere in there, there is something sexual towards a woman in one way or another. And as a kid you probably missed it. Or it made you feel uncomfortable or cringe. The cage I have described so many times. The cage where you just sit and watch and suffer in torture. This cage seems to accompany me in life. Here is appears again in this situation. Similar to the first system, this system even more so. I cannot escape it, I cannot change it. I am succumbed to it. I am forced to suffer to it, but I don’t know how much more of it I can take. I don’t know how much more I want to take.