I hope I never have another new year like this one

This is the saddest new year I’ve ever had. Even last year, I remember, I actually somewhat cared.

I dressed up in a black dress and expensive black suede heels, wore glittery eyeshadow, and I remember we went to my grandparents’. Obviously that’s nothing crazy, but what do you expect? I was, (well it was the first time, last year), and now second time, being a college student on winter break. I felt very Russian, celebrating new year the way we did last year.

But this is the saddest winter break I’ve ever had, and I hope I never have another one like this.

Not only do I not care, I’m literally sitting and writing this in pajamas right now, I’ve already flossed and brushed my teeth and washed my face, but there is another reason why this new year celebration doesn’t feel like a celebration at all.

I have the university to thank for this one. How can I possibly celebrate…when my life might be on the brink of death? Definitely not feeling like celebrating that.

This is so sad. I wish I didn’t feel this way. But I genuinely can’t do anything about it. It’s not in my control. This might actually be the worst year yet. I didn’t even…make predictions (that was too sad).

Mid-January. New year. Thanks university. I might be getting back the worst news yet ever…so soon.

In a few days, we’ll know for sure.

It’s crazy. Why me. Why is this happening. While everyone’s out celebrating the new year, I’m listening to the saddest music you can possibly find on the internet…and writing this and thinking about how there’s no way I can celebrate. I don’t feel like celebrating. And what it’s all due to. All I can do is think. Stop myself from dreaming. Doesn’t feel like I’m granted happiness. Damn is hard work really worth that little.

I’ve never had a new year like this. Like maybe I’m not necessarily going crazy and celebrating…but this is different. This is genuinely feeling like there is nothing to celebrate, and I don’t feel like it and it’d be dumb and make no sense to do anything but what I’m doing. Like I wouldn’t even deserve that.

I don’t think I’ll even stay up. For some reason, I’ve been feeling so tired and sleeping a lot. Probably the depression kicking in…just like what was happening this summer.

So I don’t know if I’ll even make it to 12. Or if I even feel like it. Just too tired. Just might pass out. No one to wish a new year, too….

Don’t think my family really even cares about staying up, either.