“I’m still standing”

Well guys, I feel a little broken. Because everything fell through. No more hope. It’s official now.

The second time around, being rejected, it wasn’t as hard. It was hard knowing there are no more chances, but all the pain, it felt like I had already been through it. It wasn’t a crazy conceptual idea, that I hadn’t already thought about a ton.

It happened Monday (yesterday) morning. I was sitting in chemistry lecture. Usually, it’s a class I very much enjoy; and a professor I very much enjoy. But I was feeling so off; things were feeling so off. And not nearly because I was expecting anything.

Things just kept going wrong, and I felt like I was late to everything and messing up everything somehow. Like, for instance, I was a minute late to my first class, mechanics of materials discussion, and I had chemistry straight after. Usually I would get to chemistry, at least in the past semester (Organic Chemistry I) like 15 minutes early (as early as you can, when the previous class gets out). But this semester (Organic Chemistry II) at least on Mondays, apparently, I have no choice but to be like 5 minutes early, which in my head is basically late. It’s a lot later than I’d like to be, because it’s a huge lecture, so being too late (not early enough) almost gives me anxiety. Finding a good seat in the front is important to me, especially in a class of a subject I really care about. And chemistry practically runs in my family, so I wanted to keep that going, you know? Show the professor I really care by sitting in the front and being super engaged. And also not distracted by anyone else by being further back(like by their laptops and phones). So I struggled to find a decent seat and I didn’t really end up sitting exactly where I normally do. Which really made me unhappy because it messed me up.

At some point in lecture, I checked my phone for notifications for some reason. I say for some reason like that’s crazy, but it’s kind-of uncommon at the same time. I say some email notification, but I assumed it was just like the millions of email notifications I get from the university every single day, hour, minute, second, etc.

But I guess what accidentally caught my attention is getting an email from my advisor because that’s obviously…weird. And then I noticed what it said. “This could be challenging news for the beginning of the semester.” And I noticed the email it was attached to. From the college of engineering. That’s when I knew.

I put my phone down and tried to focus on the rest of the lecture, even though I was probably holding back tears.

Also at that exact moment, I just have it like a lightbulb memory (a little bit of psychology for you, traumatic memories you randomly remember really well) a girl asked me something. We had to discuss and look at a question, and I just felt so weird and discombobulated. Like I was in a weird room, in a weird dream, and could barely look at and understand people. I randomly feel really bad for that girl because of how out of it I was.

I was holding back tears like the entire day yesterday, but unfortunately, I actually had no time or anywhere to cry. It was not an option. I just had to keep going.

Because after chemistry, I had a little bit of a break and then it was straight to biology lecture, and then straight to biology lab for three hours. And shortly after that, another dorm-community-based international learning community (Russian house) event. And homework…

So obviously, I was feeling pretty horrible. And still do. I feel very sad. I’m kind-of surprised I’m still able to, and wanting to, write about, actually. But I do.

It’s also sad when my family literally told me that they don’t believe in me getting in, and I wanted to prove them wrong, but I actually just proved them right. They don’t understand the system, and so they say, “just do your best with your classes/grades this semester. We know you suck at school,” basically. I have no fight in me to prove anyone wrong, or to argue about anything. Fair, not fair. Sucks, not sucks. Everything just is the way it is. If I am just dumb I don’t really care anymore and I will just accept it. Don’t want to argue with anyone about it. If that’s what they’re basically calling me. I don’t care. Right or wrong.

I’m surprised how I’m still functioning, and still standing, to be honest. I don’t know what’s keeping me going. I genuinely couldn’t tell you. It feels too bad to be true, you know?

Everything feels like such a weird fever dream. Like getting a text from my grandma today asking how things were going (this never happens). I said I’m not really okay. And she said she’s worried about me. I’m honestly not really sure what I’m supposed to say to that.

Whatever they say, me too. I’m sad too. Almost no point in listening to what people say. Just agree and move on.

What made yesterday an even stranger day is thinking about if I want to drop mechanics of materials -now. I thought about it, and what really made me think about the capacity of if I were to drop it was really just the homework. Because that’s what was so bad about statics. Having to go to drop-in tutoring and that being the only way I could solve the problems because so many things could go wrong (exact decimals, free body diagrams, not having all the sources, not having the right equations, not solving the system of equations correctly, using an incorrect force to solve for another force, + how each problem had some crazy nuance and you had to figure it out and could only go over like 2 very different examples per lecture). But that could be so frustrating, because of having to wait for an hour sometimes to get a simple question answered, and needing help for other questions per each question. So…yeah. But I explored the problems, and actually figured out AI can in fact help me with the problems. So basically a personal online tutor. This will save me so much time and will actually be so much more efficient. Not having to wait around to get questions answered! So much more convenient. In statics, I would only get like ~75% of the way done with homework, simply because it was just a time constraining factor (about 7hours spent on each homework assignment, with an average of like 8 questions). Meaning, a problem with an hour was actually an amazing pace. Once I spent 5 hours on one and still couldn’t get it! With drop-in tutoring help too. Now, that can be brought down so much. It’s actually insane and incredible. It’s so much better, that it almost feels too good to be true.

Amidst this good news, the bad news just felt weird. It’s all so weird, and I feel so numb. Why can’t life just be sweet? Because I would’ve never predicted this trajectory for my life. It’s weird because this is weird, but people who don’t know me from literally any other point in my life (elementary, middle, high school) would literally never understand the capacity of that. I can not emphasize that enough. Just want to scream. Definitely been a humbling experience, but more than that, it’s just left me broken. I don’t think I was that un-humble to begin with. But now, I don’t even feel like a person, but some shell of a person. I’m just so confused and so done. I have to leave, but I could literally graduate in a year (a year early). I will have 27 credits left after this semester. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING. Just makes me want to cry (actually it is making me cry as I’m writing this). It makes no sense.