Imagine actually reading the diabolical shit that I write

I am very self aware that my blog used to be more positive but that lately…as in, pretty much since starting university, it has become diabolical, hopeless, and sad.

It is holding up really well, in the sense of representing the seasons of my life.

I kind-of feel bad for people who read it, because it’s changed a lot. And the impression could not be the greatest.

I also kind-of feel bad for myself, for everything that is happening to me right now that has caused me to write about sad things.

Trust me, I don’t want things to be this way, but it can’t be any other way…

And then again…I think to myself, isn’t the best art made under the worst conditions? Something I have already written about in a separate blogpost.

I hope that we can turn over a new leaf…but I don’t know.

In a few days or maybe even as soon as TOMORROW…I will find out. Will it be a new leaf? Will I be accepted, or denied? I’m very scared. JUST A FEW DAYS..MAYBE, HOURS, LEFT!!!

I can imagine myself in the moment of getting the email. My heart will be beating so hard it will feel like it’s flying out of my chest. My hand will get sweaty. I will try to build up the courage to read a life-changing or life-breaking email. I will try to calm down, slow down, relax, and tell myself that everything will be okay.

I will think to myself, “Wow. I have been waiting for this for so long. Torturously waiting for this. And now it’s finally here. And it’s like an exam. I’m happy it is, I’m happy to get it over with, and now I’m reminiscing the moments it wasn’t here yet and I didn’t have to think about it…didn’t have to come to terms with the fact of opening it.”

Let’s see how accurately I predicted that.

The implications are too great.

And then, I will finally open it. I will finally know.