Lack of motivation

Part of me can’t believe I’m writing this. Because do you know what “lack of motivation” is the biggest symptom of? Depression.

You know I love writing, because I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t.

However lately it feels insane.

I’ve written about the concept of when you’re so torn by tasks for time (school) that then when you get time… (any time, like right now, or especially breaks during the school year if we don’t get a ton of homework because otherwise than it’s not even a break and doesn’t even feel like one, or summer break definitely) you don’t know what to do with it. It’s crazy. Summer break is crazy because you get thrown into it. From no time to all time. Is quite a drastic difference when, when I say no time, I mean, NO TIME (engineering).

The thing is, you may think I’m exaggerating because you probably think I must have some time to myself, right? No, due to personal issues, I actually have zero privacy so I actually don’t have time to myself. I’m never alone. It’s probably unhealthy. And despite how stressed, depressed (wow lots of “essed”) and with the feel of the need to cry I feel, I’m used to it. I just keep running through this cycle of every week again and again. Things happen, things get worse, and I have to keep going. What else is there to do?

Well, lately, what’s been happening lately, is that when I finally get to time, I want to write. But partially?

Lately, and maybe it’s because I only have limited availabilities that open up for writing, I end up writing about my current life and days and what’s been going on it. By doing this, I feel like I absolutely ignore all of my other writing ideas. Is a lack of an ability to write about anything else? Something I am not able to ignore it, or face anything else? Is it a lack of motivation? Is it a sense of disillusionment?

But even so, a contradictory statement to this is that often I will get ideas about something to write when I am doing literally anything else (unrelated to writing). When I am just living my life, however sad and tedious. Like for example, doing some reaction in ochem lab or something, at 7:45 in the morning on either a Tuesday or a Thursday. Or sometimes just when thinking about life. In the bathroom I will jump at an idea and be like “yes! Gotta add that to my list! I’m itching to write about that. Right now!”) And writing inspires more ideas too, often.

For the record, I don’t attempt to make my blog sad. I just write about my life. And I would also like to bring up the really crazy point that somehow this is still the life I choose and am thankful for and would not have done anything differently or change a thing. I don’t have regrets. Even if things are shitty and I feel sad…this is still the life I choose and I still thank God for. Maybe that appears a little crazy to you. It appears a little crazy to me as well. I don’t know how, despite after everything, I still manage to feel this way.

I feel like I barely have time to take care of myself, and maybe that’s why I’m having so many identity crisis/self image issues. But the truth and horrible thing is that I have no time to contribute more to this to solve this problem.

With the lack of time, it is an unexaggeration to say that I have not been taking care of myself in all sorts of ways emotionally and otherwise.

But the problem is that I can’t feel better. Don’t you see? The most important thing to me was taken away and absolutely abolished. And I’m just left here broken on the floor or something idk.

A good way of thinking about my life right now is a trap. A toxic cycle (of all sorts, for all the various problems) that I actually have no way out of. I’m forced to stay. I’m forced to watch and be trapped in this system.

The College of Engineering is probably the biggest example. I always get emails from them or tauntings as if I was accepted (“apply for this scholarship!” “Apply with your engineering project idea!”).

Or what about clubs? (“Join this club!” “Go to the org fair!”) I wish, but what’s the point? So…rejected.

Or something even smaller…like my biology class. The amount of times my professor has been like, “Which one of you are going to take bio 152?” Which is bio II at this institution. In surveys, brought up in class…And I just clasp a hand to my mouth and try not to scream and cry. I would be. I would’ve been. There’s so much I can explain here. But no one asked. No one asked for an explanation or reason. Instead all I can do is just say no. These are all things I have been keeping inside, and not writing about…until now (no particular reason).

I also feel like an awful friend, because I feel like I have been ignoring texts. Which is not entirely true. I have been so busy and stressed that I just don’t have time to open them, and respond properly. But is there also a “lack of motivation” aspect? I am almost positive there has to be.

Maybe there’s also as aspect of it where by opening those texts, I’m somehow faced even more with the realities of my life? I mean think about it, what do you talk to your friends about? Well, life obviously. Your lives, and what’s going on in them. Especially think about a groupchat of people you care about, and maybe people you don’t talk to a lot/see often, do you really want to portray your life horribly and explain or reveal everything that’s been going on recently? Not sure if this feels like a good, or lousy excuse.