Lately…💔

Lately it has been hard for me. It’s like a throwback to summer, which, shoud’ve been a happy time, but due to certain circumstances wasn’t. Even of summer I was robbed. My favorite season. Of everything.

But lately I’m thinking I don’t know if summer was really a happy time ever anyway. Not that it wasn’t…but that it wasn’t special. What separated summer to me, from the rest of the seasons, that I thought I’m happiest then? That made it my favorite season? Was it the lack of school? But school didn’t stop haunting me…A true break? But it didn’t feel like one, and time somehow still escaped me? Somehow I was busy, had to-do lists, and yet, I can barely tell what I actually did. Was it camp? But that I almost cancelled, because of how sad school made me…and in fact now, I don’t know if I’ll ever come back. Because that’s to the extent how scarred I feel.

And taking all that away from summer, really makes me wonder what made it special. The truth is: nothing.

I mean sure, summer started out happy. I was doing stuff, I had so many plans and hopes for the future, but then it took a 180 turn, and it was an irreversible reaction (I’m starting to talk in ochem terms).

I made a new playlist. It’s called “give up music.”

It just feel like no matter what I do, I have some inevitable horrible future looming out in front of me, and I don’t even know why anybody would want to be friends with me or have anything to do with me, because I don’t feel as a person, but as a shell of a person. That’s what I feel happens, when you take away the most important thing for a person, and you take their entire life and motivation and purpose away. Like, why are they even there? What’s the purpose? What’s the point of trying, and what’s the difference? If it never does anything. It just goes to waste.

What was the point of all that trying? All that energy spent? So pointless, that you could’ve just not tried at all. And then….what’s the purpose?

It’s to the point where if something bad happens to me, it’s not even surprising in the least bit. I feel so…broken? I don’t want pity, which is why I don’t want to talk about it. But hiding it doesn’t feel possible and if anything just annoying, anymore. I’m sorry to the people that have to deal with me, but I don’t feel that I can fake it anymore. I don’t wish to be dramatic. It’s all so stupid now. Some irreversible damage has been done. How to fix it? I don’t know.

Why do I feel like this all my fate somehow…why is this supposed to happen…why does it need to happen…why does it only happen to me?