Logging back in…

I wanted to write about how it’s been logging back in.

This has been the longest time that, after having Instagram downloaded, deleted it and just… never logged back in.

I mentioned this in the “processor chip” blog post (which I would link, but for some reason I was void of this feature, I don’t know why). It would make my blog posts a lot better, and help a reader to understand the connections between what I write (sometimes there are a lot) so that would be helpful, but oh well. Just another thing I cannot change (therefore must accept).

It’s been…really weird. Good, bad. Bittersweet. Everything. All at once.

I felt like I had quite a bit of anxiety before doing it, but honestly, I am surprised to say that I actually quite did enjoy the process, and have been enjoying it thus far (a lot more than I thought I would).

Almost like, in the strangest way, I am in a better place than I was after deleting it. But that’s insane to even think, because things just got colossally so much worse since. Like I’m definitely worse.

But even amidst all of this, I do have to say that some things are better. Not physically waiting, being in torture, and pain, anymore, that is better. I have a decision. Even if it is the wrong one. And the horrible one.

Previously I wrote, that unless the decision is anything but “yes,”—I’m not necessarily going to get, happier, and things are not going to get better (only down from here). Update post decision- I don’t think I lied, or was exaggerating. It is true that things don’t feel so good right now- and aren’t necessarily going to get better. Like I said, it’s sad, I know it’ll leave scars forever, in a way. But on the other hand, exactly what I said right now, it’s over. Sucks that I couldn’t do it, stay, wasn’t wanted, couldn’t integrate into the system, all of that will obviously hurt (Forever forever).

Previously I also wrote, “it’s not over until it’s over.” It’s over. It’s over now, however sad that may be. There is no more fight left, and nothing more to do, but also, there is nothing more to do! I don’t have to wait, tortuously, anymore. I don’t have to watch as my life crumbles down no more…I just…am left with the crumbles now. Standing amidst them…looking at them, dumbfounded how this all happened, how it got here, how it could’ve possibly happened. Right now, I’m picking up the pieces, weighing them, playing around with them, being like, “what the fuck?”

And also being like “Fuck!” Because it sucks and it’s all over.

What I mean by “things are not going to get better”: I have so much ahead of me, and this pain will last forever. It will also especially last in the time that I have to finish my undergrad. I will have to deal with all the repercussions. Right now I’m in a system I’m very used to, no matter how horrible or neutral some parts of it have been, and it sucks that I have to part with all of that (while I’m not done, while everyone else is still here) and try to readjust to something completely different.

Anyway, the reason I absolutely had to log back in was to change my profile, otherwise it would have been a complete lie, and honestly, why would I want to associate with something any more…something that rejected me? (And literally was horrible and caused me so much pain and I hate?)

See, there’s layers to this. I had no choice but to do that, because I don’t want to lie, or to associate. But if I didn’t have to do that, if I wasn’t left with no choice, if I did have a choice, would I have?

I’m not really sure, but I can speculate…it was about time, anyway.

If there’s no more fight, if there’s no more waiting, what’s the point? Why the heck not, right? Even if things are horrible, I just have to accept them, right? No more fight no more pain no more motivation. In me.

Though this is a new life I did not want, I did not ask for, I have to get adjusted to it. I have no choice but to enter my new life in all sorts of ways, and get acquainted with the system. This was all a part of it. A step. A lot of steps have had to be taken recently.

Plus, if you evaluate the only reasons I even deleted Instagram in the first place, it was because I was so scared, so upset, and so depressed (and it’s not that I’m not that anymore, but maybe I’m just not scared anymore. Because there’s no more waiting,

scariness of the future or unknown. And that’s what people are afraid of. The unknown. The implications is what really gets them. Thinking, speculating, about it all). So, similarly to how them taking away my education/dreams/career/future/area of study/program from me and how that leaves me with nothing and no chance and no point of being here (nothing keeping me here)…well, similarly, since all the scariness and unknown was taken away…there was really no reason not to log back in. And that’s why I’m kind-of maybe leaning more towards the “I would’ve done that no matter what anyway” direction, even without what I viewed as a ultimate need (that left me with no choice). “No choice” seems to be a common pattern in my life, lately.:(

So many things I’m sure I missed, FOMO, but I can barely care for that. I feel very MIA and AWOL.

I used to be so much more active, with elaborate songs I would share…and now I’m like, I’ve been gone for so long, that I’m scared to get noticed. The reality is just so bad, so real, and it feels like 1. I don’t want to explain anything 2. But I also literally don’t give a fuck anymore. Not sure which side will win. Priorities. Usually, in these types of situations, the third factor that ends up kicking in just kicks the other two out of the way. Like the first two factors are not enough to make a decision, because they lean so opposite, and then a third factor makes you act!

I had a lot of text messages logging in. And that was weird. It was weird the way I left things. Pretty much all of semester 1…definitely much before Halloween. Almost feels like I’m stuck in time, and going back through a portal to an earlier (and maybe happier, part of my life, because things were stuck with hope, and still a chance of a dream, of all the ways things should be). So logging back in, I had to part with all those ideas. Dreams become reality.

It’s insane how much managed to change.

There were bittersweet parts though. Like seeing that people were still very much trying to contact me, and it feels sad looking at their past texts, all the things I missed, and knowing there’s absolutely no chance I would have seen that. But it also showed that they still cared, despite even if not everyone was aware of what was happening or going on. It sure is weird seeing all the “months ago” “weeks ago” all the texts were. Most people just stopped, and that also just feels like going through a time portal. People probably think I was ignoring them majorly, but eventually, things always come to surface. People who don’t know…they probably will. I don’t know how they wouldn’t. It’s such a big part of life. It’s my entire life actually. My entire life is flipped. It affects everything, which is additionally why I say “it doesn’t get better; it only gets worse.” It’s one of those horrible things that seep in and soak everything (makes me think of a blood wound), affect your entire life, with everlasting and new effects popping up. Like a horrible disease. Lowk think a disease would be less bad for me.

And some other “sweet” parts of the “bittersweet” is being able to be reunited, let people know what the hell has been going on for the past like…half year almost, (that’s how long it’s been), and be able to be in contact with these people I love…these people that care about me.

Yes, I know I’ve complained about social media a lot, but it really does have a way of connecting people. And despite all the things I hate (I just use it very sparingly) I think this pro, it just became so clear to me this way, will always outweigh the cons.

It’s such a different way of being connected with people. Like being able to send them stupid videos, seeing theirs, all the relatable funny content. That’s kind-of the main thing right now that I love.

I just feel like you see sides of people that you just don’t see in any other way. And I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t fully understand why. Not only is it their personality, but different and other things about people are just able to somehow surface. It’s a new way, and a new platform, for the people you love. At least, that’s the way I’ve been using it, seeing it, and that’s the thing that has pleasantly surprised me about redownloading again. It’s the thing I’ve been thinking about…and the only part of it I missed.

On the other hand, what it is more intended for, like seeing what people are up to…that is fun, but to be honest, at the moment, it is kind-of depressing for me. Seeing everyone’s lives that look so perfect while mine is completely horrible and fell apart. Another reason I probably deleted, and did not want it back. But I’m using it less for this right now.

That is also the reason I stopped watching YouTube as much. Just seeing these people who have perfect lives, it’s hard. It makes me question what the fuck is going on in mine. Literally falling apart. Actively. Eroding. All the time.

I feel like I have changed so much from this. I feel like a completely different person. Like, the way I was maybe perceived before, is not at all correct, not at all how I would be perceived now, too, maybe. Well certainly, that’s what happens when your life falls apart, right? And this perfect dreamy version you have of it…is fake as fuck. That’s what I hate. But again, pros outweigh the cons? There’s nothing I can really do about it. What am I supposed to do? Broadcast the horrible-ness? But not hide it. That’s why I’m just there but not. I’ve already mentioned feeling like a ghost, shell of a person (not a person), and imposter. This all relates to my life in so many different ways. At university, country, social media level. Literally everyone. Just feels like no one knows me, knows what’s going on, possibly understands, the capacity, how it got there, how it’s wrong, how it doesn’t make sense, how it affects me….just everything everything.

Yes, was it maybe not all fun & games climbing back through a time tunnel to see sad reality? But like I said, they’re sides and layers to everything. And with this- since I feel like I’ve changed, I feel like people don’t know me anymore, they don’t see, they don’t know all that’s been going on, it’s all so private and personal. And it’s almost exciting how little they know- how much I guess “potential.” A new recreation, can it be-. Even if I have no idea what to do, or how to go about this.

All these people have just been living their lives- and quite great lives probably too. What can I say- that’s great for them. I’m happy for them. It’s quite a stark contrast to me. But I have to say, I’m so used to living in constant lows- and life constantly throwing things at me. It’s like genuinely not even shocking anymore. It would actually be baffling for something to go right for once!

Feels weird- maybe like a stalker or imposter. Even though I don’t feel the desire to stalk anyone. I don’t want to know just how deep this “stark contrast” lies.

But they just don’t know. They just don’t know how much has happened, or the extent, or what lies ahead. I’ve been so MIA, that it’s a great mystery. I do feel like I’ve changed, and become a different person. These are great big changes (even if they suck, there’s something good about change, and great big changes?) Again, where to go from here? No idea. It’s like, I had to download it to change something, I had to, but what am I supposed to do now? One aspect is keeping it for the people I love and to interact with them. But the other is what am I supposed to do with the person I “seem” like- it’s all about facing reality, and facing fears. This biggest part of my life is a complete secret and lie- am I to open up about it at all? That is the question.

I think it will only become more clear with time. It has only been a couple of days, and great change lies ahead.

How much will I tell? How much of the story? How much needs to go out of existence? Views of a plane? Of mountains? The views is something I am excited about. There’s just so much about my life that is not out there- and it’s all such a secret- and to figure out a way, well, what do I want to do? You know? To still be very secretive, but give glimpses? Or continue to be AWOL? To be or not to be, I guess (need to read more Shakespeare).

But that was really crazy- having this weird weird realization, that even amidst all of this- looking at other people’s lives- it made everything seem so shallow! Like damn, they just really have not gone through anything like this and it shows. And not that it was fun- but character development, I guess? Something about change is always fun. It’s just all so baffling to me. I can’t possibly say my life is desirable right now. And yet- it feels, like I would still choose my life, and wouldn’t have done anything different. And how it’s still somehow better and best for me.

You know, you know it’s not what I wanted. And you know it sucks. Life-altering. Like a lot. it’s surprising to me too. But I guess with literally anything, you can and must find the positives. I still have so many people that love me. I still have so much to do. So much to figure out. So much to live. Sure I can say it’s hopeless, this chapter is. This chapter is closed. I can’t get it back. And maybe dwelling on it is not the best idea either. I don’t think that will get me anywhere productive or healthy. But in general, is there still hope? With change comes hope, right? I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. I feel like I keep contradicting myself and rambling. Anyways bye.

Edit: I’m amending the constitution (I wanted to write this a few days ago, but I’ve had NO time so here it is right now instead): It’s obviously been a few days of me having Instagram. I will definitely say that I feel like I have been using it in a healthy way and whatever, like no scrolling (because I don’t like that blah, blah whatever), but also scrolling enough because I missed being able to send people silly shit (you know?) It’s all about a balance. I will say I’m still not very much looking at stories or posts all that much, or interacting too much with the app and people(And that is still because I am still very much sad. In fact it still feels like I need to cry but have no place and no privacy to do so. Like I’m screaming inside and no one can tell, see, understand, or care), besides my friends and people I love. Those people I am enjoying talking too. Though this semester’s hell schedule and everything is starting to give me flashbacks from past semesters where for days at a time, I wouldn’t have time to even check my notifications. And they build up, and I don’t like that, and it also gives me anxiety, but what can I do when I just have no time? Nothing really.

But Thank God there are days like this to balance everything out, when I can relax, check and reply, and just breathe for a second! And do something I actually enjoy! Instead of it being all about school all the time. Which is good for me. Like I said. Staying busy. I also wanted to write about how I posted a few stories but had such mixed feelings about it. Part of this is part of a big thing I’m going to write about in a separate blog post. But it just felt weird…not wanting to share my life or people to see because 1.) it’s either horrible or 2.) feels like a lie. Like I feel so fake and stupid. I literally go AWOL for half a year just to come back and post a picture of pasta that I made with my boyfriend and nails? But also, well what am I supposed to do? What do you expect of me?

It’s something that so- wouldn’t be a problem if I had just gotten in (well, wouldn’t so many things, lol!) I wouldn’t worry or think twice. But now everything just feels fake and like a lie. And I just feel so stupid. Trying to feel normal but it’s not working!

It just additionally felt weird since I have been MIA with SO many people on there, and being quiet, not a word, and missing out on events I always go to. Which is probably drawing suspicion. And somehow I can’t feel like I’ve made it worse, but also that I’ve literally done nothing, and that nothing has changed. Nothing major has changed, of course.

My rationale then, for posting, was like, “this is too good not to show.” Like I would regret that. If I spent so much money on nails, and got what is probably my favorite nails yet (by the way, I’ll be making a “nail designs” blog post next) I would want to show that.

Like I understand, I don’t regret, I just think everything is so weird, and honestly, there’s absolutely no way out or to win.

Logging off of this post,

Masha