Lowk Russian people made to suffer

Dear reader,

If you read this title, and you’re coming into this blogpost disagreeing, but maybe you don’t quite agree, maybe you’re neutral. Well, allow me to convince you. Allow this to be something of a persuasive essay. Informal, of course. That is the only way I like to write on here. I just want to be real. A real person. And use my voice. And if you do agree, I’m about to make you agree so much more, and maybe see things differently than you once did (like additional points and perspectives you’ve never thought about. But I will direct your attention).

I won’t even go into all of Russian history. I only know a fraction anyway. It’s never taught in US high schools. Us history, though, a country much smaller and new, now that it is taught all the time and consistently.

The Russian history I know, is more correlated to Orthodoxy and saints anyway, because that’s the focus that I studied (at my Russian Orthodox Church youth summer camp).

I could study it, but that is not even the main argument here, though my point would be very well supported. The main things I’m pretty sure I know, that could already convince you. All the beginning history. Maybe you, reader, are an expert at Russian history. In that case, (and even if you know only a little bit), you can fill the blanks. You know I’m right, in the sense that my point is supported. Russian history is pretty sad.

If this was a school project, I’d probably be required to do some kind of research and this (Russian history) would be great research to support my argument. But it’s not. This is for fun, personal, everyday-people talking type of debate conversation. Again, the points I am about to make to support have less to do with history anyway (even though they do support my argument well).

Though I am only one person, this blog does happen to circle around me and my life, so I will in fact be using me as the subject. Reader, look no further than me! Isn’t my life just pretty sad?

Think of it this way: a girl who’s trained all her life to go to university. Got in. And after two years, of studying so hard everyday, gets rejected. Three times total (extension time, the for-real time, and the extra for-real-real time when the appeal failed/fell through). The reason why it hurt so bad, is because I knew all the implications a little well.

I knew there’s absolutely nothing else I wanted to study (the only reason I even came here) so I knew getting rejected would mean I have to leave, and that’s horrible.

To a Russian, it hurts when education is affected. And now, education is so affected. I could never say that it isn’t. Because it is. Going from a much better institution, to a much worse one.

Just so heartbroken.

All of this feels so unjustified as well, like why? (Deserving is a different blog post I want to write about), but I don’t feel like I’ve deserved this, or that I deserve this.

Or what about the war? I will never forget the way my heart sunk and how I felt when I found out about that. February 2022. And now, my people are killing each other (I feel equally connected to Russians and Ukrainians- so much connection to both of them. I speak Russian, but I could learn Ukrainian. I have family in both countries. My mom grew up in Ukraine. I spent my childhood summers in her childhood home in Kiev, and back then, everyone spoke Russian there, it felt like the same exact type of place. I had so much connection to the place. I literally loved it. It was a home to me. More of a home than America ever felt. And there is still SO much overlap. Even if you think about the setup of the living situation. Apartments, food, language, culture, mindsets. That can never be killed. The two are basically the same, they literally basically were once because they were united once. The two are brothers, so how can it be now that we are killing each other? Where did any love or connection of brothers go? What did all of this come to? ) everyday by the thousands. I don’t know how to explain it, or describe it. Somehow it feels its hard to explain this all, like the overlap, the feeling of stabbing yourself (that’s what it feels like) and somehow I feel like I’m tired of explaining it. But when have I ever? How to even go about explaining such a thing?

I actually don’t know if I’ve ever written about the war. It felt like it would hurt too much. But it came so naturally right now, that I don’t know what caused it. But I think I may have some theories.

There are no words to describe that pain. I was a sophomore in high school, now I’m a sophomore in college, and it’s February now too. Oh my God I cannot fucking believe that it has been this long. Four years. Sophomore - to - sophomore. We have come full circle.

It’s like Russian people cannot help but suffer or make themselves suffer. Why do we all hurt so bad. I know Russia started the war, but there is a lot of talk about how the conflict was there already for so long (looping back to the Crimean war in 2014, I used to go there for vacation when I would go to Kiev in the summer to my grandparents’ apartment) and probably before then (I’m just not an expert). And thinking about if I should or could ever become an expert? What better way to make yourself suffer than start a war and kill your own people? Cover up, and pretend everyone is fine? (Proproganda)

Let me tell you, I’m not even able to read the news. It would break me too much. I don’t think I would be able to get anything done ever. I’d just be crying right now. And all the time. Which is ironic (everything is just so ironic, isn’t it?) because now I feel the exact same way, with wanting to cry all the time. I didn’t focus on the war in my life, even though it does affect me a great deal I cannot indescribe, but instead I just focused on my life. Well what’s so funny now is that now my life went to shit, so I just feel double broken now. Now that I don’t even want to focus on my life as much, I’m thinking more and more about the war. AND ALL OF IT JUST MAKES ME SO SAD.

If you haven’t, and even if you’re not as interested or invested (but I’m assuming if you read this blog, and if you have read this far, you are) you should watch the very new Oscar-nominated film “Mr. Nobody Against Putin.” It is in Russian, but it so powerful. I don’t care if you know Russian or not. In this case, it truly does not matter. Because that’s just how important it is. It is about the war, about how it has affected the school system in Russian schools. The creator is a school videographer, his job was to film school events. He was not for the war, and he was not wanting to comply with all the propaganda and changes within the school system. So he decided he had to leave.

Even though he loved his country so much. I understand this pain so much. Difficult decisions: leaving. Can’t I relate?

Leaving is the only way he could post/make the film and make an impact. His only other option would be to get imprisoned or beat up. He would never, as he says in the film, be able to legally post that film within Russia.

He could not stay. He could not fight the system. I mean, literally read the title. Not being able to fight the system. Not being able to stay. Does this sound like anyone else you know? (MEEEEEEE!!!)

But obviously I have so many other connections to this dude as well. Not only is he Russian, and this is all about the war, and this system stuff, but my thoughts about where I want to live. And that leads right into the next topic.

How many times have I wrote about on this blog how I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. The system, the engineering system, the country. The fact that my people aren’t here. The fact that the language isn’t right here. That I’d rather be speaking a different language. And I have my own reasons for why I don’t think a different country would work out. Even though, exactly like Pasha, it hurts. Like he said in the film, he loves his country. Loves all these things about it (he lists), but he cannot stay because of the lack of freedom and speaking. A system he cannot agree with. It hurts. It’s hard. I also feel like I could not do that. I also love the place. The people, the culture. I could see myself living there, except not right now. I don’t agree with this system either. And I believe in freedom. This just hurts. But even if the war was not happening, I additionally feel the system. Not just the lack of freedom, the corrupted government, but even the career path I chose. Career affects everything, doesn’t it? Being a doctor is much different there. Different culture. And poor. Why would I go from the better work system, (this particular side of culture I agree with more) and I could become rich here, why would I go from that better more comfortable life that I agree with, how the career is here, not to mention more freedom, to the worse system I don’t agree with. Sacrifice that comfortable life, have to live in and become a victim of that system, sacrifice freedom?

Systems can’t be changed. Sometimes at all, sometimes just not very easily.

It actually surprised me in the film how many people were for the war. I can’t believe it. Don’t they see the connections? Don’t they have connections? The film was so human. So real. So incredibly sad. Everyone is getting affected. Everyone is getting scarred.