Mental Health

Somehow if you think I’m doing bad, I keep only getting worse lately.

My mental health hasn’t been this bad since like middle school or high school, I can’t even exactly recall, because it was such a long time ago.

That tells you just how bad it is.

I never exactly thought I’d feel this way again.

It almost feels like I’m going back in time, in a horrible way.

Like I’m, in other words, repressing. Is that the right word?

I don’t know what it is, it almost feels like I’m having an identity and existential crisis. Or quarter-life crisis? I am 20.

Which would make total sense for this time period, given what’s happening.

Given, after everything that’s happened with the College of Engineering, it would make sense for me to have an identity and existential crisis- because it feels like my existence and identity and purpose has been stripped away- and that contributes to the identity crisis. I have thought about existence and identity a lot since it all happened. But identity kind-of crept up on me.

It’s a lot of things that have been going on lately, and it makes total sense why I feel the way I do.

Not only have things been insanely busy with school (I have already complained about the ochem post labs/pre labs in the previous blog post). Right before writing this, I spent about 2 hours finishing that up and then some another 2 hours on stats maybe? Hard to keep track of time but I think that’s the correct timeframe. And finally, I have my usual Wednesdays back…with doing work, then getting an açaí bowl that makes me freeze, with a pink drink that makes me shaky right before they close…and sitting here quite past closing time (usually to dinner) writing and attempting to relax.

But lately I’ve also been having tons of trouble with identity as I said. Who I am, why I am (that’s the existential too) and self image. Still seems like I don’t know who I am, what I like, and all that crap.

Yesterday was a particularly bad day with this. Yesterday is also my busy day. One thing that happened that seemed absolutely insane to me is when, right when my biology discussion section was beginning @ 4pm, my TA looked around a little bit, and when she looked right at me she looked concerned and genuinely said out loud out of concern to everybody something along the lines of “are we okay?” Or “are we feeling okay?” (I can’t remember which one). It was out loud, and she might’ve tried to look around to cover up, but it really felt like it was directed towards me because of the fact that that would have been a crazy thing to say out loud otherwise, and she only said it after she looked at me and she genuinely looked concerned.

Just from a look at me…I guess that’s the level of how potent my sadness has gotten.

So much to do all the time. But today feels like a better day, thank God. I couldn’t do another yesterday. God must know my limits, lol!

So yeah…it’s many things building up. Not just the to-do lists, (with things building up but still lack of time), but also the whole transfer thing (which I don’t even feel like I have time to focus on which stresses me out), but also identity issues/self image issues too now lol (that I haven’t had since middle school/high school). Great! There’s also other personal life issues/no privacy and the constant feeling like I want to cry. And no time to relax or to myself.