My logic when choosing college states

1. There was a specific place/state I wanted to be for college

   1. Once I figured out I couldn't go there, and started looking at other states...

   2. Obviously education/ranking was among my first consideration/priority...but my heart thought differently

2. Genuinely it was like my heart and head were at war.

   1. I guess you could say, emotion vs. logic is another good way of looking at it. Just thought of that, ain't that funny in the context of this blog?

3. Guess which side won...

   1. Yes logic, but to this day I don't know if it was the right decision. My heart and head are still at war.

      1. My head says I made the right decision.

      2. My heart says I made the wrong decision because I still think about that, and that's proof.

      3. I still have doubts.

      4. I think I permanently put myself into a little depression coma that I actually have no way out of.

      5. I forced myself to be on this campus for four years of my life, and I hate myself a little (or a lot) for it. Like it's one more reason for me to hate myself.

      6. I literally told my mother I'd be sad and she didn't believe me. She didn't think it'd be a big deal. That I'd just be inside studying, not thinking about it, cooped up inside, it would go by fast, and not matter anyway.

4. I didn't even necessarily have options upon options.

   1. I didn't apply to many places, but I applied smartly. I applied to places I knew I would die going to, and yet was somehow convinced to still apply to them. I didn't even know that the school I applied to and ended up going to was such a good school. I only found that out after going there. I so begrudingly last minute accepted to go, and was quite sad about it for many months, all while trying to make the most of it and stay positive.

   2. Had a crashout over winter break over it (I'm being so for real right now).

   3. And you know what else is embarassing? I still look at lists of colleges. Yeah, not really sure what's wrong with me! Why can't I just be happy about this or grateful. But I am grateful for the opportunity to even go to college and study the interesting things I'm studying...but always a but. It's like something is just not right.

   4. I have some calmness in that I made the right choice, I guess I just see both sides and my heart is still a little unhappy.

      1. Even when it doesn't in any way take away from the memories I've made and the people I've met; I feel like I couldn't happily leave them at all. And yet, I can't shake off this feeling like I don't belong and I'm not in the place where I'm supposed to belong or be. Maybe there's something wrong with me because this feeling like I don't belong is quite comfortable to me, meaning, I've had it for a long time in a great many contexts. I don't know why. It does not...often...make sense...

5. But the few options that I did have...the reason I still decided to stay in state despite wanting so bad to be out of state is because I only really wanted to be in one area, so bad.

   1. And genuinely I believed, and still agree with this, that I would be perhaps even more sad, in a state out of state but not in the state I wanted to be.

   2. Like, if I couldn't have that, I didn't want anything, you know?

   3. It's all or nothing.

   4. It's like it would've teased me "haha you've out of state, but not where you want to be"

   5. So I was like fuck this.