my struggle is not wanting to be dramatic

Now that I have written about “embracing the human emotion,” and pet peeves, this topic goes very hand-in-hand and logically afterwards.

I have written about how dramatic people, are my pet peeve. So naturally, logically, I do not wish, I do not want, to be this way. If I can’t stand it, why would I want to be like that, and add more of it to the world?

No, that is my fear.

Please, no. I will hold myself accountable, I do not want to be like that.

I’ve seen it, I’ve met those people, those people annoy me to death, I do not want to be like those people.

It is not a judgement thing. It is a “oh boy take me away from that, no thank you,” thing.

I could care less what other people do. Not interested. That is why it is not a judgement thing. You know how you can learn from seeing, from watching? That is simply all that it is.

But the struggle comes from the balance. Knowing when you’re doing too much…but what about when, you’re not doing enough? It’s probably bad to be overly undramatic just as it is bad to be overly dramatic. I mean, I slightly take that back, cause no matter what being dramatic will still always be worse at least in my head, but, it can still be a negative thing, being under-dramatic! And this might be my whole issue!!!

When I say dramatic, I think about someone who complains about little things, and makes a big deal of little things.

So when I say under-dramatic, I mean someone, who lets things, that should be big things, but because they don’t want to be dramatic and what-if-its-actually-a-little-thing-is-the-fear-in-their-head…slide. When they shouldn’t be letting these things slide…and like, that’s actually a bad thing! I don’t want to annoy anyone, like they annoy me..! I don’t want to ruin relationships…but maybe, not doing anything is actually what’s ruining them…but a relationship built on that, fuck that relationship anyway…don’t want it…we can choose…and why would we want such a thing…

I am that person. I am afraid. I am scared. I don’t want to be dramatic, and I’m afraid I’m letting things slide and that’s bad.

But even more is the fear of being dramatic…ok someone count the amount of times I’ve said that word.

Look, I know it may sound dumb, but I assure you it is not. Because once you’re met some of the people I’ve met, you will never look back.

This also goes hand-in-hand with “being depressed gets rid of a lot of bad emotions.” Like I said in that blog post, 1. once you’re sad, 2. don’t like yourself very much, and 3. don’t think you deserve much, it’s easy to let thing slide. It’s easy to believe you don’t deserve much.

Now combine that person, with an ultimate people pleaser, and you get a catastrophic situation where you’re letting people walk all over like a doormat, because you want to be selfless…humility…this is what the Church taught you…this is what everything in your life up until this point have taught you…and yet, you also just genuinely care too much for people so you simply don’t want to ruin things for them. Who cares if it hurts you in the process? Because you don’t even care about yourself…And now we have a classic situation of people taking advantage of you, you know it, and you don’t even care and you still love them. But they hate you, because they know you don’t lie, and you tell the truth…but you didn’t mean to hurt anybody…because that is not who you are and that is how you even got here in the first place…

People will always assume the worst. Just gotta be prepared for that. But who cares? They don’t know…