My two forms of vengeance right now

Hello? I think the the formatting changed. These are different fonts! Weird! Haha, and I would know because…(*licks lip because perfect segueway*)

My two forms of vengeance right now are writing (blog posts) and practicing the piano. So I’ve been writing a lot, and practicing a lot. Sometimes practicing a lot is torture. When it’s the same song, over and over (different parts of it, but still the same song). Because it just takes so much time to master. Especially a hard song such as the one I’ve been trying to learn for like…way too long now. But I have to give myself some slack because even though it’s been a long time, it’s been STRETCHED over a long time. I’m barely home, which means, barely any opportunities to practice. And a notoriously very difficult song, at that. I just reread this over and am a little disgusted. I kind-of hate excuses lol. Even though it’s valid.

Even the times I have been home over this semester, I don’t nearly practice every time. Most of the time, I don’t even get around to thinking of it, or doing anything but school. Studying, or homework. Most of the times I was home, quite unplanned, I had a huge organic chemistry exam coming up, so that took up all my time, motivation, life, energy, you name it, and I certainly wasn’t thinking of practicing.

Because, as you can see, practicing can be frustrating. Just the fact that it takes such a long time, stretched out, and I don’t always get an opportunity, everything is just so annoying.

As much as I love this song, and genuinely never sick of it, because it’s so pretty (even with my terrible playing and playing parts of it over and over again, terribly) don’t get me wrong, it’s frustrating. It takes a lot of time and patience to master such a difficult song in piano. It’s even harder without a teacher and on your pure motivation, and when it’s probably a jump in level too (though at a certain point, that’s just what you do in piano. You jump levels, and pick and practice and play whatever your heart desires).

But, I’m on winter break right now, so I have time right now. And it’s my form of vengeance. What I’m venging against? Don’t ask.

I really want to master this song. I’m just so angry, and this is how I’m getting my anger out. If you ask me, quite healthy coping mechanisms. I’m not even banging the piano keys or breaking the piano, I’m simply trying my hardest to master this song.

And writing is also a healthy coping mechanism! Dang I’m like pretty good at healthy coping mechanisms lol. I mean just think about all the unhealthy things it could be. I guess everyone can have their own creative coping mechanisms. Like the girl I watch on YouTube, will “cut something up” when she’s angry, as in fabric, and then she’ll create or recreate or DIY something beautiful. It’s beautiful!

Up until this point I’ve talked a lot about the piano coping mechanism, but the writing one is a big one too. Obviously it’s what I’m doing right now, as I’m telling you about my two coping mechanisms as of right now. If you don’t know, I have a huge list of blog post ideas, and I’m constantly getting new ones, as I do or don’t write (this one wasn’t on the list, for example, this one was a spur of the moment idea). I just sat down and was like, “I want to write! I’m angry!” Took a break from piano. From one coping mechanism, to the next! So yeah, it’s a huge list, and it’s been a huge list. I’m constantly adding to it. So out of anger, I’m trying to write a lot of it out. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do this, because like I said, it’s like if you imagine a watering can (a word I’m very surprised I remember..wait now I’m questioning myself if that’s what it’s called, because I told myself I’d never remember this word) pouring water, and someone is, perhaps from another watering can, pouring MORE water into it. It’s a never-ending process? Because just by writing, I get more ideas!! But, again, out of anger, I want to WRITE. WRITE. WRITE. I want to PLAY. PLAY. PLAY. Getting all my anger out.

Okay, fine, maybe I’ll listen to some of the things I’m angry at. Just for fun. I’ll be as specific or as little specific as I want to.

1. Idk questioning everything

2. Life falling apart

3. Existential crisis

4. On the brink of a decision (and maybe something horrible, and maybe depression)

5. PEOPLE (certain “persons,” not everyone) and relationships with those people

6. Trying to figure things out. Like, what to say, what not to say, what’s dramatic, what’s not, what’s fair, what’s not. Hard! And frustrating!

Vengeance at…all of these things? Vengeance at….life?

Also, I think what really confirms my forms of vengeance (specifically the writing one) is that everything I keep writing keeps being very long. I just go on and on. Like I’m a little too good at it after this whole vengeance thing. Too much of a force to be reckoned with. PUTTING OUT MATERIAL FOR YOU ALL (Who am I talking to) TO READ. KEEPING YALL BUSY. With my amazing material (I’m JOKING ok calm down before you get triggered).

Also, this is isn’t very related to the two forms of vengeance, but some other vengeful things I have done (if you want to say so, and I do want to say so) is look through literally like tens of thousands (like 30k) dresses to find one dress. And guess what. I didn’t find it. It must clearly not exist anymore. But at least I know that now. I’ve checked many times. And I’ve watched (or made sure I have watched, like I would know from liked comments or a like on the video) all of that girl’s shorts videos on YouTube. One probably inspired the other, like watching her probably also inspired me to look for the dress.

Look, I’m a productive girl, in school and out of school, I’m not used to time, and I’m even less used to using it unproductively, and I’m going to use my time, the lot of time I have right now, productively. Not unproductively. I’m going to use it to make myself a better person. Cooler. More powerful. I will channel my anger into something great. Like mastering that song! I want it so bad. It’s just a pretty song, I really want to be able to play it, okay? I did not go through like 11 years of practice for nothing!!! The only time I’ve used my time unproductively as when I was absolutely justifiably depressed. And in a way, that was a productive use of a depressed person’s time. Before it, I was very productive. And that was also just very justifiable. The reason for the depression, how I acted before it, and during.

I heard it once during a piano concert, I wanted it, I’m putting in the time and practicing, and I will get it. At first I like “gave up” and said, “this is as good as it’s going to get and it’s taking too long without a teacher.” And now I’m like “ABSOLUTELY NOT.” I have time. I will use it as my weapon. I’m determined, and quite motivated. And quite angry. Still listening to summer music, haha. In fact so angry, I’ll even do something I never do. Practice piano once it’s dark.

It also makes me satisfied, because I know the people I’m venging against are not making a productive use of their time.

If, out of being angry, even though it’s an unpleasant emotion, I can master a classical piano song, and write a bunch of stuff (possibly pleasant and helpful and maybe interesting ideas to read), that is SUCH a win! In my eyes. Only I would do this, and say this, lol. Well, you know what they say? To be authentically yourself!

Okay, I’ve written this, I’ve gotten my break, I am, almost sick of writing, gotta go, I have a piano song to master!