Options, confirmed

There is no more speculation. All this time, waiting, not knowing, and patience. No more of that.

I had a talk today; I know all my options. And now I know. I have to act, in so many different ways, and about so many different things.

I asked if there are any last chances. Technically, yes, but none of them are good options. It is allowed to apply two times once outside of the college, but it’s pointless, and won’t work for me or what I want, and I’ll explain how. These can be organized into two options if I really wanted to try again and stay here. But ultimately, still try to get in.

Option #1: If I stay, I have to switch my major. There is no way around that. Then, I could try to apply to get back in. But I would already be on another major’s path, which I absolutely don’t want to do, anyway. Wasting time, and taking classes I’m not interested in. This would probably put me behind if my major is indeed the one I really want. I’m not really sure about if I would still have to deal with all the progression if I did this option, but I guess it doesn’t really matter because either way it already doesn’t work and I don’t want to do it because 1. Don’t want to switch majors 2. Waste of time. 3. Would be behind. Also there’s no guarantee of getting in. So I could just be wasting time and being unhappy when I could just leave and be happier and pursue something I actually like. And things seem to constantly be confirming how what I want to do is in fact what I’m doing: like my favorite class right now, is mechanics of materials. Something you can only take basically within in the college of engineering. Yeah if they don’t want me, this is not the place for me. Sadly. Bittersweet?

I never wanted to be here in the first place, and if they don’t want me, whatever do I want them for? I hated this place from the start, and now even more so. Why would I ever try to go back? Maybe I really will be happier somewhere else (I will discuss this more in a preceding blogpost).

But I asked all these questions, just to make sure. Just to confirm. Of all last chances. Being thorough, because it’s still the better school and better program (by far) and could still mess up my future (having to transfer, and going to worser school/program).

But the replies to all my questions just confirmed the formulated answers I thought I had to my questions, even more.

Staying on time and track to graduate and this major specifically, are all things that are incredibly important to me. Once you understand that, you can see why all of these “options” are not really (the ones) for me.

Option #2: I leave. (spoiler alert: if you cut off this option at this sentence, this is exactly what I’m doing). I do not want to stay here. Not like this. Not in this format. Nothing could convince me to stay. And after that, try to get back in. But what was made very clear, is things would still just pick up where they left off. I would still have to switch majors once I was back there. And then just try to get back in, again. And by that point, that would put me so incredibly behind.

So now, I have to figure out the apartment situation. It was my dream to live there, but I guess it’s just not in the cards for me, is it? It’s stressful thinking that I won’t find someone to replace me. I’m just going to hope I’m not going to have to pay for an apartment that I literally…won’t be living in. And boy do I certainly not know how to do this.