Organizing and retrospection

At least I don’t have to be constantly stressing and worrying now, and can try to enjoy this semester. As much as I can enjoy it, knowing it’s the last one I’ll get.

That is a hard thing, isn’t it?

You can either riot and be miserable and not enjoy it…and maybe that is even a little bit necessary. A little bit of wallowing time is needed, and, you have definitely deserved it. No one can blame you, neither should yourself.

But there is also this feeling where I don’t even want to be crying about it anymore, I want to accept it as soon as possible, and move on. Move on to bigger and better things, and plan for the future.

This semester will be no small feat. Though that is what I must now figure out. Maybe there is no need to make myself suffer so much if I’m not even being allowed to stay. I definitely don’t really have the motivation to suffer if there’s no point in it.

One of the biggest first tasks was figuring out where to next: and I think I have figured that out.

Like, for example, right now I have “mechanics of materials” on the schedule, but I’m looking at the place I want to go, and that class is not required. And even though I really enjoy the subject, there is quite literally no point in making myself unnecessarily suffer. I feel like I have suffered enough. Plus, it would just make me more sad, taking this class that is so obviously an engineering class when I won’t even be there and don’t fit in anymore (as if I did ever). Yes, I guess you could say I’m “missing out” on a subject I enjoy and engineering here…but I’m missing out on that either way (why make myself suffer) and it might make me suffer more by the two factors I have just mentioned. 1.) I would physically and mentally suffer from the class, despite it being a subject I enjoy. 2.) It’d make me sad that I’m not actually a part of anything, and not there to stay. So then, am I really missing out? I suppose it makes no sense to make myself suffer?

If I was staying, If I was allowed to stay, it’d be different, and I’d happily take on the suffering for them.

It might also unnecessarily hurt my GPA. I honestly think it’d just hurt too much because I’d feel like an imposter. And even if I’m passionate and trying to learn…doing it as an imposter, when it would hurt me and kill all my time, keep me from spending it with the people I have my last moments with, when I don’t even need it? I think…doing it as an imposter would hurt too much. I tried to think, but I could never rid myself of those feelings. So no matter how passionate, I would always feel that way.

Spring, a time of hope and renewal. Birds chirping. I thought maybe this fall/winter would be the last time I was walking these streets. But now this spring will be.

I have thought about spring a lot. Not only the semester, but it has been so tied to my dreams and thoughts. Warmth.

And what music am I even supposed to listen to now? The “give up music” playlist? That’s what I feel like I want to do. But obviously not what I am going to do. I thought after I if I don’t get in, I’d be listening to the fall/winter depression arc music playlist…but that just doesn’t feel right either.

For me, a time of retrospection, too. This whole thing has caused me to think, a lot. And maybe it is only things like these, and when things like these happen, that we can sit for long periods of time and just think about everything this now means. A new future I must plan now. But I guess, ahead we go!

I’ve had to let go of a lot of dreams. And letting go of dreams is hard, and painful. Of the apartment. I know it’s not the biggest thing. I will have an apartment, probably lots of them, in my future. Not with the same people, sure, but still with people I love, I’m sure. It is a nice apartment, but I’m sure I can find nicer (I’m just trying to make myself feel better here). But alas, of course, yes indeed truly, I did want to live there. I was looking forward to it. And now I have to figure out who can replace me.

I’m also thinking about how now, soon, perhaps, I have to login on Instagram, and update my bio. Because I am basically no longer a part of that awful school. But logging in there, again, as I’ve said before, feels like a challenge. I haven’t done it in months. But, a challenge, I must accept…

I have thought to myself, told myself, and told others, that if I am not accepted, I will hold the school in the purest of hatred ‘till the end of my days, and I’m afraid its not just pettiness; I’m afraid it’s true. Even the city leaves a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak. More so, a bad after-thought. Bad memories. The worst of feelings. The most anxiety I’ve ever felt in all my life. And on and on…

Maybe, in retrospection, I was never supposed to accept somewhere that I never wanted to go to in the first place. The moment of accepting my university should’ve been a happy one, but it wasn’t. I felt stuck, and trapped. And the irony was that there was no one more excited to go to university than me. Clearly, my passions are still riding over how I choose. I have had the worst senioritis (though nothing compared to the feelings I had once I actually got to university) since sophomore year, since I started taking APs, started to feel like I was already in college, and since I felt like I knew who I was. I was ready to go. Ready to leave the nest. Ready to be independent. Even though obviously, for years to come, I would still struggle with that, with identity, with insecurity, doubts, to excuritating amounts. Because nothing is ever that easy. But so I’ve heard, anything worth it is also not easy. I hope that means this pain is all worth it, and that someday, I’ll see it. And I’ll see why it had to happen this way.

Maybe, I’ll be happier being somewhere I actually want to be.

In that case, the only thing I’ll be leaving behind is a couple of broken hearts (I’m just kidding). No but seriously, the only thing I’ll be leaving behind is the people. The only thing I’ll actually miss about this place. The actual place? Anything about it? Hell nah. In that case, it’s actually an upgrade.

So I guess it’s what’s best for me. If they don’t want me, I never wanted them. It is sad that I have to move from a better program to a worse. It is even more painful that after this semester I would be at like 28 credits left to graduate, out of 120, so like 3/4 of the way done with my major, and done with the entire math, physics, and even pre-med chemistry sequence. So close to the end…and yet even with everything else too, like being a passionate student, they still just cannot let me stay. Maybe I can graduate early though, and make the pain last a little less longer. A worser program hurts in general, and that I couldn’t do the harder thing, but like I’ve said, I think I can accept it. What also hurts is that this might mess with my chances of med school. It better not mess with my chances of med school.

But then again, knowing myself, of course I had to choose the hardest option. So I can never fully say that I made the wrong choice or regretted it. I can only partially say that, because of course I’m angry, and frustrated. I was never going to choose something easier if I knew it had a chance of messing up my future. I was always up for a challenge. And how would I have lived, and forgiven myself, if I had never at least tried? What’s the worst that could happen? I break down, fall, cry, and the dreams, hopes, and soul of a little girl is crushed? Hmm…

It is just ironic. Someone more excited for university than anyone else…forced to be sad while pressing “accept.” And someone more passionate than the rest…denied. Isn’t life funny? It’s a straight-up comedian, I tell ya mate. Life seems to love to work in opposites, and the opposite of what you think should happen…actually happens. And all sorts of people get different fates than you’d think. At least I think I can tell you that I still really don’t desire to be homeless. I’ve seen those people, I also have my dreams that I am STILL not backing down on….so….not if I have a say in it! I guess I can be thankful that I live in a country of opportunity. Even in this face of absolute soul-crushing denial, I’m still set on my dreams. And I’m still reaching for them. And still pretty darn sure I can get them. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, right? Even if it’s not the way you thought…even if it’s a bumblef*ck weird ahh homeless path through the forest.

If I have to go out, at least I’ll do it in style, right?

I am just so grateful that at the very least, the waiting is over. I have a decision. It is a horrible one, but it is still an answer to the cries and pleas (just the cruel one).