Processor Chip

I’m a processor chip! I looked it up before this and it actually sounds accurate.

Since everything, is now, 100% and totally confirmed, I can finally process all the things that I was only speculating on, and have started to process.

Well first of all, obviously, this sucks. And I’m sad. That’s just two very easy things I can tell you right away. Two facts. Feels too bad to be true. Feels like a weird fever dream.

But literally what option do I have, than to accept it. It sucks but there’s nothing else. Absolutely nothing to do now. Just to organize stuff and move on. Not necessarily dwell. Maybe dwelling is necessary, before I can move on. Get it all out. All my dreams. To let them go. Perhaps create new ones. Reform the ones I have.

This blog post is basically going to be just me processing, and thinking about things in retrospection, as well as try to figure out next steps. Just thinking about it all. Past, present, future. What happened. What it all means. What the hell happened What the hell is happening. A list will probably help me process in a more organized fashion. And to also gaslight me into thinking things are okay (and not as bad). And that everything will be okay. Even though nothing feels okay, including me, right now.

1. Dreams and reality. I can tell you a lot of dreams I had. Not even something as basic as “I wish I could graduate here.” Though I do remember walking past a graduate in her gown and white dress taking graduation pictures and thinking, “will I ever get there?” Apparently not! Apparently I was never crazy, for being hopeless and thinking this would happen! See what I mean? The thing about hope and hopelessness. At least not here…it won’t happen here. I still intend to become a biomedical engineer and to graduate, obviously. I still have dreams I intend on absolutely. A lot of them. But dreams had to be crushed, had to fall apart, and some things will never happen, no matter how much I wanted them, how much I worked for them, and how much I intended them.

   1. Dreams such as living in an apartment next year… the apartment I signed a lease on, yeah…now I have to find a replacement. Which is a WHOLE other stressful thing. Will I ever find somebody? I better not be paying for an apartment I won’t be in. I have to figure out how to do the whole thing because I actually have no clue right now. Never had to deal with anything like this (and certainly sucks that I do, especially in this fashion, given all the history behind it and the reasons why). When I really wanted it…and well…this was not supposed to happen. None of this. Not like this.

   2. But I had SO many dreams about living in this apartment. I really wanted it. It was so nice, it looked so nice, and I was so excited about the idea of it. With the people I was living with.

   3. It’s SO incredibly hard to let this go. But I have to. I have to.

2. The actual education- yeah, being forced to go from better education to worse is nothing glorious.

   1. I can accept that I was not good enough…

   2. But I’m scared if this will mess up med school. Transferring, having to explain why I transferred, all of that might look bad.

   3. And the fact that it’s a worser school- it’s obviously more prestigious making it in a more prestigious program (but obviously I could not do this; or at least, I thought I could, but they thought not and wouldn’t let me). Because I was surviving- and understanding, but they didn’t want me.

   4. Maybe I could thrive more, maybe I’ll stand out in a sea of students. Maybe I’ll get in and everything will be fine. Maybe I was never meant to go somewhere I didn’t want to go in the first place. If it was all a huge mistake…then, what the hell? Why the hell did it have to happen, then?

3. I’m thinking now but how it will be there.

   1. I’ll be so alone,

   2. So depressed

   3. Absolutely no friends

   4. I’ll know nobody and nothing

   5. All my friends here are sad

   6. Leaving them

   7. As much as I hate it here, I’m so USED to it. So used to all the system. Literally everything. All of that will be swiped away. Couldn’t be accepted and integrated to the system, so now I’ll be thrown into a whole new one.

4. All of this is going on and will have to be figured out AS the semester goes on. And it’s a busy one. Obviously. When is it not.

   1. I already submitted a transfer application for spring, so I wonder if I have to submit the same exact one, just for fall (again, just so weird…just so weird…I won’t be here come the fall). I’m going to try to get in contact with somebody and ask if I have to submit another one or if it can just kind-of count (because it’s the same application, just wrong subsequent term, and I was already accepted)

   2. I’m worried about price too. I need to look at scholarships.

   3. I’m worried about how things will transfer. Will I have a lot to do? I’m thinking about credits too. Previously I said how I technically would have 27 left after this semester. A year early? But I don’t know how things will transfer, if they will transfer nicely, and how much I will actually have left (because it would be more, for major requirements).

   4. And finding a replacement…I don’t know how to do this!!

5. Also thinking retrospectively…just what went wrong!!

   1. I keep, keep thinking about what went wrong. Did I not try hard enough? Is there a broken link somewhere? Could I have, somehow, anyhow, prevented this? Forced this to not happen? Made it, somehow? Did I do something wrong? And what is wrong? (…with me?) Why don’t they want me:(. Do I suck that bad? Ha, seems like stupid questions to me. But valid as well.

6. I have to log back into social media. Update and delete and get rid of anything that has or is associated with UW-Madison.