So much that you don’t understand

To be honest, I hate telling people that they don’t understand things. And I know how frustrating is can be when someone assumes or tells you that you don’t understand something. Because how do they know? And maybe you do…

But the truth is, feelings are valid, aren’t they? And what if I feel like some people don’t understand me?

What I feel like is not understood, is the pain that comes with all your hard work, having one goal, when everything just starts falling and crumbling down. There is no foundation. And it’s like, what was even the point? I could’ve never even tried at all.

Honestly I have no words to even describe it. All my life I was told that hard work pays off, and I feel like I always tried my hardest, so what the hell?

Is it just a lie? Everything feels like a lie.

I cry to the younger part of me, to my younger self, to the little girl, who thought she could become anyone and that hard work does pay off. If you want someone enough, if you are stubborn, if you are determined, you will get it. What the hell would I say to this girl, if someone set up a parallel dimension meeting between us, and she asked me these questions, or just talked about how she will achieve anything. What would I say? I don’t understand anything. To break the heart of a child is a different crime. To ruin their hope. They don’t understand anything yet. But someone I understand less with age.

What I feel like is not understood, is that this was not supposed to happen, at all. This was not supposed to happen to me, to someone who works hard.

Maybe some people did not see me in the context of high school. What kind of a kid was I in high school? To the kid that would come on Friday nights in high school and immediately do my homework. I worked hard. I never procrastinated. And teachers always knew me and described me in this exact way.

I imagine my high school teachers, and everyone, would be and is very surprised.

Life just doesn’t seem so fair, does it?

What I feel like is not understood, is to have the most important thing to you, taken away. You are left with nothing. You just feel empty and broken. And there is no recovery. It’s not going to get better. This is here and now. All the people that say, “it will be okay later,” don’t understand that. It will not be okay later. This is type of pain felt now, one that left me broken, and one that will only actualize in new ways I can’t even imagine, later down the road. Like some nightmare that just keeps unfolding.

Some people just don’t understand how important this is to me, the pain, it’s not going to go away if it’s so important. This is all I have, all I am, and it was taken away. So to undervalue it, to say “it will be okay later though” or say that “you can just stay and switch studies” when I have worked all my life for precisely this, want this just as bad as medicine, and to come this far just to come this far? When I would be sad staying, I wouldn’t be happy, and would always regret it? When people say this, it just reveals to me how much they don’t know me. It makes me pretty upset. And if you don’t know me, you can’t say that you can possibly love me, can you?