Stay busy

Like I said in the last blog post, I’m still standing.

Part of me is confused how I still have motivation to do anything frankly, and especially to do the load of the classes I’m taking right now.

I quite literally think I may not have had a worse semester, actually. And I know I say that every semester. Each one is hard to compare though, because the classes definitely change a lot. And my methods for them, too. So like for example, I have found a way to make mechanics of materials so much easier and well- not absolute hell. That changes a lot, because that would’ve the worst class by far if not for that. And organic chemistry II and its lab (two separate classes) are definitely one hell of a combination and addition to my classes, but the two overlap a lot. Like right now, the work I’m doing for one overlaps with the other. But I know they won’t overlap as much as the semester goes on.

And then I also have biology and statistics. But those are easier (what I predicted). Also for both, when I looked at the description, I pretty much know the material really well. I took both AP Stats and AP Bio. AP Stats I was good at (probably ocd tendencies haha, lowk) and did well in. AP Bio was harder, but I also had an amazing teacher for one, and not so much for the other. I felt more confused in AP Bio sometimes than thinking back to AP Chem. Which is insane. Both classes…not very taught. I was very much on my own.

Something that I’ve realized (and it may be sound common sense to you, (since I am bringing that up, that means I probably recognize it as such, and think about it a little that way too). But you know, sometimes, I feel that there are things that are technically “common sense,” or perhaps that just sound like that, but they are actually not. Maybe it’s all subjective, anyway. They just surprise me when they actually happen. And I think that they are important, and worth noting.

So for instance, when I took AP Psych and AP Stats in high school, I was very studious and really worked at them, you know? So I felt like I really learned the material really well, and that pays off. It paid off in college, when I didn’t have to take AP Psych because I got a 5, and when I still feel like I remember a lot from it. AP Stats I got a 4, and still have to take it regardless, but that’s just because that’s the way my major/area of study and pre-med works. Unfortunately, it’s all too important fundamental to skip! It’s really just the only advantage is getting more familiar with the material. But you still have to take it in college. Still can help, allegedly in theory, to get better grades. Cause you’re basically reviewing, not even learning. At least, that’s how bio and stats are for me right now. Only organic chemistry (and + the lab) and mechanics of material is completely new material.

In psych, we had this 700+ Myers textbook and we had about 10 pages assigned to us everyday in order to complete reading the entire book over the course of the year (and the way I read them, thorough, dense, term heavy, and taking notes) it would take like an hour at least everyday to read. When you put effort into something like that everyday, the way I did in psych, it actually paid off, long term.

The idea of putting effort into something and it actually paying off is silly to me, though. Clearly my life is teaching me this right now.

And, yet, somehow, despite literally everything, I think I would only go more crazy, like way more crazy, if I I didn’t have as much of a load as I do right now. Don’t get me wrong, I can still feel tired, and unmotivated. The tired is obviously from the load, never catching a break, and the constant “go go go.” Like yesterday, Tuesdays, are by far my worst days. I have 7:45-11:50am organic chemistry lab (probably the main reason why I’m so tired right now writing this) but it doesn’t stop there. Actually it somehow gets much worse. From that I have a small break, and the only time to eat. Then it’s straight into power lectures (1hr 15 min instead of 50 mins) of statistics and mechanics of material straight after, straight into a power discussion of biology, and then, even a fifth class every other Tuesday but that one is chill (still it’s time, when I’m exhuasted) of a Russian seminar. Or, on every other Tuesday that I don’t have that, it will be my dorm’s community (ILC; International Learning Community) dinner. Also fun, but still adds to the day, you know? Mondays and Thursdays are similarly bad. Wednesdays (today) and Fridays however are pretty chill. Today (a Wednesday) is actually my easiest and nicest day. I only have two classes, chem and bio, and am done at 1pm. Friday is the same except in between chem and bio I also have chem discussion, but still done at 1pm!

And secondly, the unmotivated- I think that’s pretty justified and understandable without having to be explained.

So, after much discussion of what to keep and what to drop, I don’t think I’m dropping or getting rid of anything. Not mechanics of materials- I don’t need it, but it’s my favorite subject, and I’ll never get this opportunity to take it ever again- and at this institution (a better institution). I am literally willing going from a much better, to a much worse, institution just to study my dream, guys! Kinda crazy. Not even stats- an “engineering” stats, because I still want to hold on to any engineering as much as I can, you know? I know it’s lame, but it’s not like I’m switching my major, either. So maybe it would even be dumb to do so. I just don’t technically need mechanics anymore, even for the same major. Not that that’s going to stop me.

Same major- I still need all the classes (besides mechanics). But credits, anyway. And still pre-med- meaning I still need all this. Organic chem II, the lab, bio, stats. But the motivation? Where is it? I mean, how am I even keeping going anyway? Just so many questions for myself (From myself, to myself, even).

If I did drop, I fear I would have too much time. I don’t want time. I don’t want distractions. I don’t want to think about my terrible life anymore than I already do (I would just cry all the time then. And I’d have to get creative where and how). If I overload myself, I make this possible. If I stay busy = that equals don’t think about depressing life = less depression = and don’t go crazy. What would I do with time?

Don’t worry I still make time, I still make time for you. To write on my blog. Because I don’t know what I would do without it, either. It also keeps me sane, in a very different but parallel way? Like right now, I could probably be doing chemistry, 1. but not only do I not want to, 2. Will have to (inevitably) study a lot this weekend anyway because I have a quiz for it, 3. Like they say, what I’m doing right now is basically carving out time to write. Time for me.

And you know…

People say, “Why are you doing so much?”

Am I sad? Of course I am sad and mad, at getting rejected. A horrible pain. But should I let them ruin my love for school? (Not going to lie, they already have). It was my dream to stay here and it was broken. I do it for…credits to transfer, for pre-med, to not be totally broken, to stay afloat and show I’m still fighting, I’m still alive, and not giving up, despite everything. Nothing of my passions, dreams, or desires has changed. Also too much trauma has happened, and that is why I cannot stay here. It is not a place that any longer works. Despite how crushed I feel, and how much I may want to. Everything is so past a point of no return. It feels like I’m just dead but for some reason still alive and just watching my life. Though everything is still so real. But it’s a scary reality, it actually quite sucks that all of it is real. It’d be like…better, if it were not. I don’t know what’s keeping me going or motivated.

Because this semester has never been busier. Mondays + Tuesdays. This past Monday and Tuesday. Luckily today is better. But Tuesday and Monday is basically the same: a lab, two lectures, and a discussion, except everything is just longer on Tuesdays. And to have an ochem quiz (don’t forget a bunch of homework) that I couldn’t start until my lab ended 4:20pm Monday (then I only had like an hour before my Russian house event) and Tuesday was even worse with literally only having time to start at the earliest: 7pm.

I did a ton of stats yesterday, but didn’t nearly have enough time for everything I wanted to do. Most of my stuff is due Wednesday evenings. Today I caught up on readings I was behind on, the rest of the week should be fine except I need to get ahead on next week since I have fun plans for the weekend. Actually that’s what I feel like put me behind (lol) is having too much fun this past weekend. Having fun, can’t do that in this major!

It can be so much sometimes, that I feel like I can’t breathe.

But again, I’m writing today! Today is better! I can relax, do some fun-none work-related stuff. Watch something. I can write about fun topics, or reflect on stuff that really needs reflecting on. Which is still fun for me. Or write about something fun like stickers (been wanting to do that for days and you can imagine why I have not been able to!)

There some things I need to do, but I’m finding that it’s very hard to make myself motivated for them. Such as making a post on Facebook for someone to take my lease! Like shit, I need to do that. Because it’s a timely concern, you know? But it’s just so hard. It’s been so busy, so sad, and so hard. Now I finally get a break. And to do that…it’s just going to make me so much more sad!

But…time sensitive! But fears!

My temporary solution is to just do it tomorrow, I guess.