the feel like i need to do everything

So there’s a particular feel, like I need to everything. This comes most readily in the context of school.

I started writing this in the summer I think, when I had summer homework before the semester even started (it’s becoming a tradition now, because it’s been that way just about every time in the summer before the semester has started, so far. And one of the perpetrators has always got to be chemistry, just a different chemistry, lol).

If a professor is like, “do this in the summer before my class even starts” I genuinely hate that because then I will feel like I need to EVERYTHING. They’ll be like “at least this much” “this is optional” but it doesn’t feel optional to me, and I feel like I need to do everything.

As soon as I see that, as I get that email, it will automatically RUIN my summer and peace. Because I will not feel peace until I do it.

Because if I don’t do everything…it’s just like the fate thing, where I feel like I’m not doing enough or everything I could’ve, therefore I do feel like it is my fault and I can blame myself for everything that goes wrong…any lack of success, well, then it’s my fault, because I could’ve done everything I could’ve, but did not; chose not to.

And I just hate making that a possibility and leaving that crack open. I don’t want it to feel like my fault. Like that post exam guilt that I’ve already written about. It’s a horrible feeling when I feel like it could’ve been my fault and I could be all I have to blame.

Because if it could’ve been my fault even a little bit…and I could be even a little bit to blame, well then, it’s just entirely my fault. I could just blame myself, and nothing else. Because what’s the point of that? What’s the point of blaming something else, when you could be, or are, to blame also? Well no then, just blame yourself. You’re at fault too, you know? It’d be hypocritical.

So then, what happens is, my entire summer becomes about this task. It ruins my summer, and this is why I hate summer homework. Just the person I am, the perfectionist, but also wanting that break, but you give me work and it will not feel like a break anymore.

My hate of summer hw! Ah, even thinking of summer has me nostalgic, has me wishing for those warm sunny days….

It ain’t like that anymore. It’s cold.

But anyway, the reason why I hate summer homework is because

I ran into this SO many times in school. In high school. Or university.

Wishing for a good break, or even, a good weekend, and wanting to get as little time-consuming work (or in university, the worst would be the exam, especially with how hard I tried and how little result I always saw and when the stakes were so high and people would complain to me and on and on…) not because I hate the class, but sometimes, you just want a break!

Though I did notice, in university, it would even be bad. For context, I don’t even know entirely what I did in high school that took up my weekends, because when I compare it to the time spent doing work in some context in university it is insane..so no homework could have ever even taken that long in high school, so what did I even do? How did I fill up my time? How was I not bored? But I wasn’t, and I know myself, even now with no school by myself I’m not.

Because when I got to university, school took up all my time in the way that when I didn’t have it, I didn’t know what to do anymore. It would almost be a scary thought, being in the dorm, with absolutely nothing to do for school…

Or the worst was when I just needed to get stuff out of the way because I had plans on the weekend. This happened so often. I wanted to get it done, so that I could enjoy whatever plans I had, or the very least, not worry about the school.

And even with zero plans, it still gave me anxiety to have unfinished tasks. I would need to get them done right away. As soon as they were assigned. And I don’t think anyone ever beat me. In university, I try to do things as soon as they’re covered, even if they’re due in a week. And in general, I try to stay a week ahead. For some things. For math assignments, I was this way. And physics. For chemistry, not really because it was just pre lecture reading mostly, and that would be confusing and not helpful to do too far ahead. There wasn’t really homework, well it was more optional practice problems, and at first I was really good about doing those but not towards the end. Not that it really mattered, because I did good on the midterms and then the final was impossible (all my studying…could’ve not wasted that time because I didn’t know what I was looking at to be honest, I had never seen those reactions in my life so not sure how we were supposed to know them or figure them out. It was just mean).

In high school my friends and I would always joke because we’d get assigned some random essay for AP US History, for example, due in like a week, or something, and I’d do it in like 20 minutes.

I’d also be that kid, who would get home from school on a Friday and do my homework immediately for the weekend. And get it all done right there and then. I’d sit at my desk, I’d light a candle, I’d even enjoy this time, believe it or not.

It was funny…all my friends were always procrastinators. I was always the only one who didn’t procrastinate.

Thinking about high school, and where I am now, it just makes me sad. So so sad. I was always passionate about this and about school. I don’t deserve this. I worked hard. I never procrastinated. Perhaps because I’m weird or whatever but take it at face value just the fact that I never did. I never never did. It’s not fair. I don’t get it. I’m a good student, am I not? Was I not?

This feeling of like I need to do everything extends into other things, believe it or not. It probably extends into everything, actually. Such as feeling like I need to look at all the options before I chose, just being thorough in general. But I was planning to write about that separately. This idea, was basically just about school, I guess.