The rationale for some summer decisions

What I wanted to write about…is my rationale for some decisions this summer. Like what I’m planning on doing and why. Mainly, about camp.

This is the first year that I think I’m willingly not going to go. There was one year I could not go against my will, but tables have so turned.

If you really analyze, it would make sense why, out of all years, and recent life events, this is the way that was able to sway my decision.

You already know how much the whole university thing has affected me. If not that, what else could possibly make this happen?!

I just don’t know how else to explain it honestly, because the truth, it sounds too plain and simple. Plain and simple, but true.

And the truth is, I’m just sad. Really sad about the whole situation.

I also feel like my priorities naturally just have to shift. I need to focus more on school. Which sounds ridiculous, because what in the world have I been focusing on, if not that?!

Apparently even focusing all my entire attention was not enough.

Really, truly, I don’t know what to say to that. Pretty heartbroken.

I love people, and want to see them, but can’t. It’s kind-of like the Instagram, it’s just so much has happened, they don’t know, and to be honest, I have no desire to try to update them on it either. But I don’t want to be fake, either. And pretend like everything’s fine! But everything is not fine! But I don’t want that to surface, either. You see the problem? I just don’t want to talk about it, and everything hurts too bad.

This semester has been hard with news. Last semester was hard with all the waiting and anticipation. But at least there was still hope, and my life was at least a fraction in my hands. Now the tables have turned and it’s not in my hands, and there is also nothing I can do about this.

Since the semester is in full swing (and of how a swing it is! In fact, saying “it’s in full swing” feels like an injustice) everything is super busy. And because of that, I feel like I have had no time to reflect, to think, to just be sad, wallow, and cry. Because there’s no time, but there’s also no space and privacy either! Like I literally can’t go anywhere to be sad.

I can’t even believe what I’m about to write. That, what, I can’t wait for summer to be able to lock myself in my room and sit and be sad and cry in privacy? But yes.

Because there’s no time, space, or privacy, all of this wallowing has to be pushed until later. Until this miserable semester is over. Until summer!

In both scenarios, whether at home or in prison, no one around understands. Not friends, not family.

Also I forgot to mention, with the shifting of priorities, that also means setting everything up, and making sure everything is in place for my school. Currently, I have taken zero steps for this. Which may be starting to feel stressful. It may be hard to do everything I need to do everything for this semester, not only because of no breaks, sadness, but also simply time. It is busy, it is no light semester, and I’ve obviously never felt more worse or more sad. And for instance, today I finally have some time (using it to write). Finally a break, and don’t really feel like making myself feel even more sad.:(

Also, I’m planning to work. I have already talked about that (a floral shop). I miss having a job. And you know how I struggled with finding a job I’d actually enjoy (or something medical).

And, with the shifting of priorities, that also means studying for the MCAT (and planning for med school, and life stuff in general). Which shouldn’t be nearly that hard after engineering. That’s what I always say. I understand medical school will be hard, and it will be, but it can’t possibly be worse than engineering, and I truly believe it will be easier if I set myself up for success. If I can get through this (Can I get through this?). Still thinking about that girl I saw taking graduation pics, staring, and thinking to myself “will I get there?” Apparently not. Apparently not here. And Cs do not get degrees. Not this major. Not here. A C will get you kicked out, is what. But if I can, I can do everything. Nothing will ever be as bad.

Academically, or even think about Emotionally. Like this is the lowest low. Damn, I at least hope (almost scared it can somehow get worse, but I don’t know how it could. And it only still will get worse, at least until I graduate with a bachelors).

All those jokes about joining the homeless on State street and rather dead…find the incorrect word in this sentence. Not jokes.