The things I want, I WANT

I am a picky, and some say indecisive…but the truth is, very DECISIVE girl.

The things I want, I WANTTTT with all my soul. And I know what it is— that I want.

I have always, from a very young age, known what I want.

Sure people say I may be indecisive. Maybe that’s in the moment, maybe that’s about small things, (when in reality, I don’t even think these scenarios are true). If I just think, that doesn’t mean I’m indecisive. And I think I’m still pretty decisive and spontaneous, capable of that way more than most.

But no matter, if it could be that I could be indecisive about small things, the same certainly cannot be said about the big things. Because these big things, I have always known.

Like my future, my career. I have always known that. And I held onto it so tightly, so tightly.

Even things like knowing I would want to write a novel, to have a novel published, to be an author, of sorts, I knew I wanted this from a very young age. And since I am not the procrastinating type- these are things I have not procrastinated in any way— on the contrary, I took charge of my dreams immediately, from the get-go, as soon as I could and as soon as possible, straight out of a womb (okay that one was a joke, and I hope you laughed or smiled since I know that we don’t always laugh but smile).

Similarly and on the same topic of not procrastinating and hurriedly, excitedly, take-charge-dly getting started right away!…I planned my entire future house (lol) down to the decor, down to the rooms, the paint colors…

I even planned my future wedding, I was always a dreamer…

And when I tell you, if I ever got married, I would have the most beautiful wedding of all…because I also love that stuff so much…and I am not a basic bitch…so it would not be just a boring simple classic “white” wedding…but still classic…do not fear…there is still Slavic in me…just not white basic bitch…(joke).

For such a planner, really it should be a honor…if I want you to be a part of any of it…

Because when I’m in, I’m all in. I’m all or nothing. I do things to the best of my ability. I try my best. I give it my all. Only recently I started worrying about if any of it was even enough. How could it not? I was not always this hopeless, or broken…no, life made me this way. I used to have a heart…now I’m heartless…can you blame me?

It takes energy. It takes motivation. It takes a dream. It takes a fighter. A fighter willing to conquer any and all struggles that will inevitably step in the way.

The big things, even if I have to think about, I know what I want, and I want it so bad. I give my life to these greater purposes and meanings. Isn’t that what life is all about? Feeling a purpose, knowing what you want, taking charge of motivation, having dreams and just…going for it????

How could this be. How could this be. The person who cares and plans the most, there is no one who cares about these things more to me…why does it seem that nothing will work out for me? I feel as miserable as Hamlet, truly, I fear this is the end (I’m not trying to be poetic or artsy or funny here…I’m actually miserably dead serious). Why am I so hated? Why, oh why? Must things be this way? Life is unfair…I know…but this is unfair? Is a little crazy. If I am denied after I’m passionate about, then WHAT IS THE POINT OF ANY OF IT. What is the point of life itself…seems it works out quite amazingly and perfectly for anyone but me…

I understood the assignment, I knew things might be hard. But not impossible. Not unattainable…not purposeless…NOT. LIKE. THIS. Unlike this, at all…

I have such a beautiful life imagined for myself. I fear none of it will come true.

What a waste. Truly what a waste…all of those beautiful dreams were…

Because none of it can even dream of coming into reality if the first, if the foundation, if the most important thing, is hindered from coming true.

That beautiful wedding, that beautiful house, that beautiful location, that beautiful career, and all of the things I was planning on doing for others, will any of it, ever see the light of day?

Or, think about: how no one, NO ONE, loves kids more than me. And all those parenting ideas I had…everything that I wanted to do for kids, to change for kids, for the better. To literally and physically SAVE kid’s lives…what a waste, what a waste, if I will never be able to do these things.

“To be or not to be…that is the question.” -Hamlet (damn, Shakespeare must’ve really been suffering, or just able to somehow understand that suffering really well. I feel you, Shakespeare. I actually do feel you. I understand this better than anyone).