The WORST parts of it all

The worst parts of leaving. There a few different things.

1. Just the fact that I couldn’t do it. This system. I don’t know what it is that is wrong with me. I think I’m just dumb. But I wanted to do it. And couldn’t. Wasn’t allowed to. So yeah, something wrong with me. What was all that hard work for? High school? A worser program…

2. Transferring means my chances of med school are decreased. And it’s going to look bad when I have to explain why I transferred (cause I doubt they’ll just be like wow you’re so passionate and instead be like damn you’re dumb why would we want you)

3. Leaving the people, that hurts.

4. It really hurts that I would have 28 credits left to graduate after this semester too…out of 120. Over 3/4 done. All foundational coursework done. Chemistry, math, physics. So close to the end, so passionate, not allowed. Denied. And yet the answer is no. Accepted, and got this far, just to be kicked out when I’m so close? And so close to the ACTUAL cool classes? Thanks a lot.

5. Or even thinking about now what to change? Taking my favorite subject…when that would also mean lots of time, effort, and suffering? And feeling like I’m the only one who’s not in the program? Everyone else is? Would that hurt too much? But I want to do it…but

6. I’m just so hurt and not as motivated anymore. The concept of taking something I loved and turning it into something I hate is INSANE to me, and yet ladies and gentlemen, they have done it. They have discovered the cure. Oh sorry. Missed a letter. Missed the s. That is permanent damage right there. And not the only permanent damage. I bet I’ll have a premature death from all this stress. And I don’t know if I would mind. They make me want to die because they try to take my purpose and calling away from me. All my dreams and desires and hope. I genuinely feel like a rat subject. Who’s been put in a cage and forced to watch something horrible. In this case, it’s my dream being ripped apart. Very torturously and slowly, over the course of 1.5 years. Which in university translates to 3 semesters. Talk about anxiety, fear, depression, and an unfair system. And I feel like I have the right to call it unfair, because, it was created by humans. Not by God or something. The pain of the morning, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to erase that feeling, that pain, that horrible memory. I don’t think I ever can. I just feel like, the concept of being accepted and then rejected is crazy.