Things I am really really bad at

LOL

LETSSS FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE😈😈😈

I thought of this blog post just now (12:33am) as I'm staring at my screen and giggled.

1. Directions. - Although I have an unquenchable thirst for wanting to wander and go and live in the middle of nowhere or in a creepy forest at night and be scared to death and get lost (um I don't know what's wrong with me) it would actually turn out so bad for me and be so dangerous. Like this doesn't actually make sense why I am the way I am. If you look at my pinterest you will see the creepy forest vibes I want. If I got kidnapped and/or teleported to one of these places I'd enjoy it but I'm screwed.

   1. Like I try to believe in myself but...I have no sense of direction it's pretty bad. If I go into a building from a different entrance than normal or exit or try to switch my route it's kind-of a disaster. Or if I just exit from somewhere and have to figure out where to go and how to get to the next place. Or trying to figure out which one is shorter and from which exit to exit a building to end up on the right street and one most logically for where I need to go next? DISASTER STRIKES. I mean you'd just see me like standing there, pulling up apple maps, twisting, and looking up trying to figure out where the fuck I am, street names.

   2. I think it's just in my head constantly how bad I am at directions because I'm at university; ever since I got to university; because I run into it constantly. But hey!!! I've gotten so much better!!! I mean I feel like I've really had to have challenged myself. I was terrified at first. I don't remember what else I was going to say but I think in reality I think I may be screwed for life.

   3. I do wonder if I were to get into a really bad situation where I would need to know where I'm going/where I go/where I've been if fight-or-flight mode would kick on and suddenly I'd get a heighted sense of alertness and awareness about where I am; or if I would get a burst of intellectuality. I suppose I SHOULDN'T hope I have to find out...right?

2. Making decisions

   1. Yeah I'm really indecisive. It's hard for me to make decisions, big and small, because things that are small and are not of great importance for some reason my mind thinks they are - of great importance.

   2. And then if it's a really big decision, well then obviously I feel like it's even more important. And this all goes hand in hand with overthinking. And doubting. And not trusting myself. So thinking I can make a bad decision and mess things up, greatly.

3. Showing emotion

   1. Apparently according to my friends I am not the most expressionful person, I have come to realize. I mean I been telling y'all that I rule logic more important than emotion, and even that felt like a pact based on logic that I made a long time ago. I like to be in control. I like to be logical. I don't like the idea of decisions based on emotions (you already saw how hard it is for me to make decisions). Decisions based on emotions? Sounds like a disaster, and as someone who already struggles with trusting themself, that sounds like something I can count on even less.

   2. I don't often compliment people, and I actually fear that the people I love and hold very dear and close to me don't even know how much I love them. I don't show it; the thing is, I don't know if I can. I don't know if I have it in me. I don't know what it is, or what the problem is. Perhaps it's some kind-of spiritual paralysis. But whatever the issue may be, when I do love, it runs deep, and no one except God & I know how much it affects me, when I think about those people, what I think about them, and how much it affects me.

      1. But it scares me to think about that person not knowing how I really feel. Because if something were to happen, it would break me. I guess they'll never know.

      2. But I guess it's okay. They don't have to know just how much I think about them, how much it affects me, how much I care... I don't need them to know. I don't need anything. I know. God knows.

   3. So...I don't think I'm an affectionate person? Or empathetic? Well like, I try to really listen to people and understand from their perspective, and I want to and care, but I wouldn't say I'm affectionate.

      1. But I think there's more psycho-analysis to this, and it's that I don't like affection necessarily myself. So if "treat others how you want to be treated..." why would I do that to anyone else???

4. Responding to compliments

   1. Like, how the fuck do I respond?

   2. I hate compliments, because it always feels like "Damn what you see that you notice that I'm not invisible to you?"

   3. It's a tough situation to be in, for me, because Jesus always hated compliments, and so I should too

   4. Because they introduce a situation where yes, you can find out what someone's thinking, which can be nice, but it can induce you to not be humble and be too proud or change your mindset about something...all of which I think can be bad

   5. But nah, I don't want to know what other people are thinking, in this context. Like I wish I just never knew.

   6. And then it's like two crashing colliding sides of people pleaser and whatever the other side is.

***I will keep this list updated***

-Masha