Things I have learned about myself since coming to university

If you are a student at any university or have been already at some point in your life, I have a question for you. I wonder if you think that parts of you are exaggerated since coming to university?

It's a really strange association.

Obviously when you come to university, you have to figure out who you are.

Who are you by yourself, alone, outside your family? What kind of person are you? What are your values?

(another aspect)

And for example, being an Orthodox Christian, you had to figure out (though I never really had to figure out, I just knew) where you stand. How religious are you? Do you believe in God? What will and won't you do? How will you present yourself to people? To what lengths are you willing to go? Will you attend church?

I remember some people talking about how difficult and scary that is for young people, to be figuring all of this out. Even if they want to go, say they got that far and know that, it's scary forcing yourself to. It's scary forcing yourself to go to a completely new church for the first time, where and when you don't have a community yet, and stand as this adult who goes to church on Sundays.

Like you start this process in high school but it's awkward and you don't know what you're doing, but in my opinion I actually never know what I'm doing, so even at uni.

(but even from the Orthodox perspective...)

You don't have to figure this out yet in high school. When I was in high school, and throughout all my life, I was just told what to do; told to go to church. And so I did. As a child I complained, didn't pay attention in church, and slept on the pews. I was annoyed that I had to go to this building every Sunday and spend my time there; I thought it was a waste of time. A I grew older, I learned more. At one point when I was like 12, my mom forced me to do choir and I hated it. Little did I know, in a few years, after carefully thinking about it and analyzing the situation, I would join church choir all by myself, and I have loved it ever since. Since coming to university, I also joined the choir here and have a church community here now, too.

(It makes such a difference whether or not you are forced to do something or do it of your own accord)

Though I miss certain aspects of my church, like that the service is in russian...and I miss the people. I also have a bestie back home from church who is basically a long distance bestie now...:(. Like for Pascha, I think I'll go back home, because I miss these aspects so much. I spent Pascha every year at my church, I can't imagine it being different even if the friends I've made here are great, too. I think it's mostly the service-being-in-russian aspect, to be honest. These choir practices that I've had here...I don't know these words or melodies...but back home, it's all so comforting and we only get to sing these songs once a year anyway...

I think it's also based on different timing for everybody:

1. I remember having a conversation with my mom, and I don't remember exactly it was that I asked, but I remember the general ideas/concepts and takeaways from the conversation. I think I had asked her about in general, when she felt like she had kind-of figured out who she was as a person. At what point in adolescence. And if she ever had self hatred. She responded that around 17 she already felt established.

   1. Well personally, I don't feel exactly the same way. I don't think I relate to that. I'm at university now, 19, and I think I'm still figuring it out, or at least am a lot closer than I was in high school. Or am I? I don't know, I think it's so weird; it's always changing. Which I don't like, I'm trying to get it to more of a stable point.

2. But genuinely it's just weird, and clearly I did do some work in high school, or maybe I've just always been this way, because things that I thought were so normal about myself and not exaggerated, it felt like I was so weird and different at university that they were exaggeraetd.

For instance...

1. It will forever shock me how as a kid I never felt like I didn't fit in, but as I grew up, this feeling linearly or maybe exponentially or insert whatever graph will describe this relationship of never having felt that way and all of the sudden it GROWING -correctly. It's just absolutely astonishing to me how I very obviously never fit in at elementary school, but I was completely oblivious to it. I was literally a kid who spoke no english, and had to be with an ESL teacher until 3rd grade. I don't know how anyone even communicated to me. But I just didn't think about it. I didn't think - at all. It just goes to show how children don't have the capability to think and be rational -like at all. It reminds me of my reflections on Anton Chekhovs' writings, how adults are similar to children, and two really, are not that different. But how children do not have the capacity to think beyond their (psych:) id, their ego, and are involuntarily selfish.

   1. But this feeling was realized slowly as I felt more and more like I didn't fit in as I grew. I felt more Russian and less American. I felt from a different language, different ways of thinking. A different culture, that had too many differences. Yet obviously I live in this country, obviously I'm writing in English right now, so more people can understand me, but I could just as easily write in Russian, it just doesn't make any sense, since in this country, I'm so alone. Not a lot of Russians or people who speak Russian.

   2. And then I felt like I wasn't sure if I really felt at home. I realized I liked speaking Russian more, felt more like myself, even, when speaking Russian as opposed to English, and wasn't sure which country I would want to live in. I remembered my childhood summers in Ukraine, when everyone surrounding me spoke Russian, and how shocking it was to me, how nice, what a warmth feeling it gave me. I realized it wasn't a dream, that everyone around me could be speaking this language, and it could feel so nice...it was reality...

   3. But since coming to university, it's like this aspect of me was so exaggerated, because I felt even more different. My culture, my language, everything. I don't know what it is! If it could just be my friends who are also learning the language, and therefore ask me about the culture and language and everything I do and am makes sense to them and doesn't surprise them -at all.

      1. I remember the only interview I ever had, once the guy found out I was russian, he practically guessed that I did ballet and piano and wasn't surprised at all and was like "yup yup" "of course" to everything that I said. It was so funny.

2. And then, I never considered myself a super religious person. Like I thought I was just normal. But then everyone around now thinks I'm just so religious, and no matter who I meet, this impression is never shaken off even though to me, it just feels like I am just living my life, by certain ideals, and it's really not that deep.

   1. But even at camp, people had this impression. At camp too, I realized things come across. My ideals to try to be a nice person and non judgmental and humble/selfless and friends with the kids, it seems like people noticed I got along with the kids and that they liked me for just being genuine, I don't know. Or something like that.

3. Another aspect was my honesty and bluntness. I don't know, it's just different somehow...I knew these things about myself...but now it's like I'm just SO THAT and known as that.

   1. Even an aspect as an rbf lol...again...russian culture...saving smiles to when you mean it/for people you love. Being genuine with the smile.

4. I guess I learned I'm not affectionate or expressive.