Things often don’t work out the way you want them to

If there’s anything I can say, it’s the title.

Things, often don’t work out the way you want them to.

This feels like a cliché thing that people say all the time. But do people really understand the impact of that small sentence?

This seems to underestimate.

Things not working out is one thing, but having one specific goal that you’ve been working towards your entire life…and all that hard work not paying off at all…when you thought it did, when you thought it worked like that? Well, that, is a totally other thing. That’s a totally other pain, when it’s your purpose being stripped away, and you’re left with nothing.

That’s not just things not working out. That’s it’s own thing, and it’s own level. I don’t even know how to explain it, because honestly I’m speechless, or I guess wordless. That’s… everything. That’s pure confusion to the little kid who thought hard work and determination paid off if you wanted something enough and that you can be anything you want to be…especially in the “land of opportunity.”

People, when they read my blog, are concerned. I cannot take that concern away. I totally understand it, and honestly I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if there’s anything I could say to comfort anyone.

Why and how I don’t give up? Why I still overloaded myself this semester? Seems like a valid question, and also the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Almost like…if someone asked that…I almost can’t blame them, and also can say, that they must not know me at all, do they? But do I even know myself? Do I surprise myself? Do I even know why I keep going? When certainly I don’t feel so good inside…almost like I could give up.

Well I’m determined, right? I still have dreams, right? To come this far just to come this far? Does that seem like me at all, when you ask that question? You thought this semester would be easy? Well how could it? I still got dreams, big dreams. Not only is it trying to understand the things I’ve written about above, but personal issues, no time, no privacy, facing the reality of transfers, stress, and apparently also on top of that old mental health issues that I haven’t dealt with since middle school/high school and self image issues. And yet somehow I still choose this life, these decisions, would’ve made these decisions, and not done anything differently.

It’s almost hard to admit, in the face of this amount of hopelessness, but there’s still always hope, isn’t there? Like, I’m still going, so it logically must be for some kind of reason, right? There has to be some kind of hope at almost all times, right?

Sure, not about this particular situation, not anymore. I won’t get to stay and that is confirmed, and all of the emotional baggage and shock of trying to understand it all that comes with that. But in general, don’t I still have dreams, so doesn’t there have to be some kind of hope and chance for that?

Of course I’m scared about how transferring looks for the future. For medical school, and of course it’s hard to understand, it hurts, and is bad to go to a worse school. What can I do, if I have dreams, don’t want to give up? Still want those things more than anything? I just got to do everything, right? Of course I’m scared too, of how bad I’ve fucked things up. Like my grades aren’t pristine (I surely don’t know if that word works here but whatever!) they aren’t pure, there’s impurities (chemistry lol). Well, if you say there’s impurities, then let’s just say it was a really bad lab. And is GPA all that matters? I’m scared of this being reality. What if I just get rejected again? What then.

But because nothing is certain, because that’s all still what feels like quite far into the future (even though I’m realizing now however exciting or terrifying, it actually is not that far off…sophomore year of college…but hopefully I do get put behind! I’d hate that!) there’s always still some kind of chance and hope right? It’s not over until it’s over?

Some things are over...

And certainly…

Not only do things not work out the way you want them to…but also…how you never expected (and not how you think they should).

Like, could I have ever predicted this? Did I ever think this was going to happen? Did I expect this result, from a school I didn’t even want to go to and was counting was a safety, a school I so reluctantly and depressingly (this entire school has been linked with depression for me huh) accepted? No, certainly not.

Life takes crazy twists, and sometimes the most horrible, unpredicted, unjustifiable cruel twists that just leave you speechless and broken in every way.

I have big dreams, and there’s no time to slow down, even in the face of great challenge. Why do people keep going, in the face of anything, well it’s all for dreams, right? What else could it possibly be for? Why else do we possibly keep going?

I guess my life is still a movie (one with depressing horrible twists) but don’t you want to keep watching? Maybe the ending doesn’t have to be tragedy? Aren’t you curious?

I still got dreams, big ones, of medical school…not just medical school…not just biomedical engineering…so many other things…

Kids keep me going, I do it all for the kids…if I want to be a Pediatric surgeon…

I have dreams of where I want to live, west coast, with mountains, and ocean. I have dreams of the type of house I want…I have designs and everything picked out…I have dreams about the car I want…I have dreams about a family…I have dreams about researching parenting and being the perfect parent…I have dreams about the perfect wedding…I have dreams about plans and travel and summers and jobs and friends….I have dreams about using my biomedical engineering bioinstrumentation and understanding the technology of medicine and research and improving tools…I have dreams about progressing medicine…I have dreams about saving lives…I have dreams about making a difference the way I was created to…about making a purpose the way I was created for…about helping people…in the way the matters most to them and me…I can do it because I care…I should do it because I care…