transfer schools

I submitted two transfer applications today. Montana State, and Oregon State.

I definitely feel scared, and apprehensive for the future.

Scared for midterms (second round) this week. Scared of exams. Scared of grades and checking grades. Scared of the future. Of what my future holds? My purpose in life is a big ? right now.

Scared of if I’m going to have to transfer. Scared of transferring. Scared of what that means, would mean. What would that be like? Would I truly be happy?

My happiness also feels like a big ? right now.

Like I’m not sure it’s possible. I’m not sure it’s a possibility for me to be happy. How could I have been created, in that case? Why? If I was never meant to be, or able to be, happy?

Because if I get to stay, I think I could be happy. Could I? At this university…

It seems that is all that I want, right?

If I get to leave? Would I be happy? It’s not what I want…but maybe it’s for the best? Maybe it’s just the course my life is supposed to take?

It’s so hard to know, and understand. There’s so much unknown right now, that it’s a little too insane for me.

While waiting for the bus at the bus stop today I saw who the badger football team was playing…the huskies. Looked it up and was reminded of the university I was BEATING myself up over not applying to when I realized I could’ve, should’ve, and that I had to then accept Madison…The University of Washington.

Is it a…sign? That this happened? A sign that I was reminded of it? A sign of what’s to come?

I haven’t submitted that application yet, but I’m almost done with it, and almost ready to submit it too.

Applying freshman year, I only applied to 6 schools. This time around, submitting a transfer application, something I’ve never thought I’d do, I’m doing half of that.

It was so insane to me, also, that I got back my 1st math midterm grade the DAY after I signed an apartment lease. It was so happy and exciting, and boom I get slapped in the face. Another sign?

And “transfer stuff” starting going on my to-do list almost instantly after that. The day after. It was so sad…