Trying to gaslight myself that things are not that bad (this is a coping mechanism)

This blog post is me at least attempting to gaslight myself that things are not that bad! To make myself feel better (This is coping mechanism guys).

1. I won’t even address the fact that it hurts that I couldn’t do it, or the concept of being accepted, just to then be rejected. Whatever. Speaks for itself and whatnot. Or have already yapped about it enough.

2. Maybe med schools don’t care as much about people transferring? Maybe, I’m in full control of what I say? I don’t have to explain that I was rejected, right? Maybe I can just say “it wasn’t the right place for me”…which I can do that technically, right, can I not? Because…

3. Maybe it just truly wasn’t the right place for me. Yes, the point 1. STILL hurts. But I never wanted to come here in the first place! And maybe was never supposed to be or meant to, even if I can’t understand why this had to happen (maybe someday I’ll understand…maybe this should be like a fun motivating factor to motivate me and keep me going…to one day understand…) and even if it left me absolutely broken.

4. Maybe, me leaving is actually a good thing. Even if it hurts so much to leave people behind, maybe space is good for me, and good for us? Things haven’t been glorious these past 2 years, and distance…makes the heart grow fonder? Distance will always reveal the true people, and true friends (will it not?) I just get a shortcut, do I not, to seeing who’s real and who’s fake. It’s like related to the blog post I wrote recently. It will make seeing people even more special, because I’ll be more independent (like I always wanted) and not see people as much.

5. I mean, everyone else has to stay in boring Wisconsin, while I’ll get a super cool location with Mountains. This is so much more what I originally wanted. Madison has been nothing but horrible. I mean, I was literally depressed about coming here. And after everything, the ENTIRE experience has been bad and NOTHING but depression (besides the people I’ve met, I’d say that’s like the only good thing. And the educational benefits, how this could get me the education I wanted, and get me the places I wanted to go, much better and easier than it’ll be now, unfortunately).

6. Maybe, this is good for med school. I’ll get a higher GPA, they’ll want me, and I’ll stand out.

7. They do research on Yellowstone, how cool would that be to be a part of that.

8. It’d be fun for people to come visit. Such a more interesting location!

9. I also love planes, and I’ll get to utilize them more. I mean I wanted to be independent. This is originally what I wanted, just not what I wanted after (because of the education). But I tried my best, and still they didn’t want me. I must, I have to, get over it. I can go somewhere that does actually want me.

10. Maybe I’ll thrive there so much more. Like I know I’m so used to the system here, but maybe when I adjust, I’ll be so much better off there?!!

11. Truly, if it doesn’t get in the way of getting into medical school (but I have no control over that anymore, unfortunately, either way I have to leave) like with the transferring thing and getting in and it being a worser program, then honestly, besides being sad I don’t get the better education, I don’t care! This could be better!

12. I guess, rankings should be taken with a grain of salt. How much can they be trusted? Maybe their teaching styles, structure, and everything, will work so much better for me? Maybe I’ll thrive and learn so much more and in a better way. It has to be a pretty similar education no matter what either way, right? I guess I’ll find out either way! No way but to find out! Maybe here, I couldn’t thrive from the structure and style, but there I will so much more!

13. Maybe I’ll meet a bunch of cool people (even though I don’t feel like talking to anybody right now, lol. Still salty.

14. I know it was hard to see people graduating here, and wondering if I’ll get there. Apparently not, apparently not at this school. But maybe I don’t want a degree from such a horrible and sucky and depressing school in such a boring location, ha! (Lol, I think I’m getting a little good at this whole gaslighting thing). I also remember how sad I felt after I told all these people that I wanted to go to Oregon State, and then deciding on UW-Madison. Like I can’t emphasize this enough. I, and it, was really sad and depressing. You must be wondering then…why did you come here? Why are you depressed, girl? Well that’s because I cared about education, quality, and challenge SO MUCH MORE than I ever cared about any of that other stuff. But now it doesn’t have to be a lie, and I don’t have to feel bad about “lying” to them. I can be independent!

15. I also remember my AP Lang teacher talking about how location can be a big consideration. For university, I always wanted to be somewhere I could actually see myself living. In Wisconsin it was depressing. But now I don’t have to set roots in a place I can’t see myself living in, don’t want to be, and couldn’t wish to be farther away from! I’ll be doing research, getting letters of recommendation, and doing all this stuff in med school in a location I actually enjoy/love!

16. I’m still healing. I still hurt. But I hope I can get better. Time will tell. I know I said that things will only get worse. But I hope with time, realizations can happen.

17. I think with more research, with more steps to this change, I can realize, romanticize, and more light will surface.

18. Change be good. And big change. Fun? Something new? Something different? I can start fresh. There’s something a little exciting about literally no one knowing me. Right?