What I feel like needs to be done

Something I don’t think people quite understand about me, is that if I feel like something needs to be done, truly I will not rest and will be under constant stress until it’s done.

Firstly, I don’t procrastinate.

And this is a habit that has stayed with me all my life. I mean genuinely, I have been this way all my life.

And like I’ve said, this habit has served me well because my life is very busy. Literally it has been so busy.

Today I had my first real (wet lab) of the ochem sequence. It was oxidation. That was at 7:45am. It truly seems ages ago.

But the day wasn’t even nearly over. Then I had an exam for statistics.

Right now as I’m writing this, I again could, and maybe should, be studying. But the truth is that I’m so tired and feel like I need a little break (I have already studied a lot, and basically studied everything that I wanted to). Which, ties into and explains what I’m saying perfectly as well, since, like I said, everything I feel like I need to do, I do.

Like for example, I will always complete assignments on time and not let myself fall behind. Things that are “optional,” in class, the professor says so, I will actually do these things if I think they will help me. In that case, I will not view them as optional. Last semester I took a Dostoevsky course. If you are familiar, you know, that is a lot of reading. It was difficult to keep up (but I wanted really badly to read the literature of my heritage) with reading in general, just because it’s a lot as it is. One novel itself is montrous in size, and we read three (two actual long ones: 800, 1000 pages Crime & Punishment, Brothers Karamazov, respectively). It’s even harder combined with STEM, Engineering, and the classes I had to take. To keep up, I had to read minimum 2 hours of Russian literature everyday. I was also in Ochem I, Gen Physics II, and Linear Algebra & Differential Equations. This semester, I don’t even have humanities at all. I guess to me that’s what biology and even statistics feels a little bit, compared to Ochem II, the lab, and especially mechanics of materials.

Even though I was in so many heavy stem classes, I still want to take everything seriously. And I care a lot about Russian literature. I never got to read it, since I never went to Russian school. I was never forced, but I still wanted to do it, so I had to do it on my own. Taking a class basically forced me to, because it kept me accountable. We actually had so many essays and exams, discussion posts, and papers for that class, but even so, even if we did not, I would still have put just as much effort in.

Also bringing it back to high school, same exact situation in psych. I remember at the end of the year, the psych teacher was so convinced only 3 or maybe even 1 person was still reading, and had done all the readings.

I can’t forgive myself for doing anything but my best. Even the “stupid” humanities I had to take (I actually quite enjoyed them: sociology (I actually just needed that for med school) and medical history (that one was lowk cool)). Frickin’ what were they called? The humors of the body? What the heck were they called. Bloodletting, etc. The Bubonic Plague lol. I always did all the readings.

In some of the classes I’m taking right now, and last semester, there’s readings in the textbook. This is more optional but I don’t view it as such. I feel like I should do it because it’s just better to, and it can only help me not hurt (and again I wouldn’t forgive myself if I were the one who sabotaged me). So what do I do? I do it. Readings for statics, physics, all my chemistry courses, biology. Physics, chem, and now bio (first time I’ve had that one, all other semesters I’m just used to chem and physics). One time at the beginning of biology this semester, a professor said that doing the reading, even skimming, will help us better process the new information in lecture. Because of brain firing neuron connections, and the fact that even if we just skimmed, subconsciously the brain is working harder cause it’s not the first time it’s seeing the concept. Pretty cool concept, but anyway, that’s all I needed to hear. I was gonna do that anyway, but from that point on, it wasn’t even an optional thing to me.

I don’t even just read it, but I take notes, even though I saw in an email that they don’t want us to put that much effort into it.

And I will do everything in my power to do the pre lecture reading actually before the lecture. With the only exception being like, if maybe I had something like 3 exams (like this week) and would actually have to stay up so late just to read that once. Sometimes it’s not worth it. But that’s why I stay ahead. I do it early on if I know I’ll be busy later/won’t want to do it later. Like this week, as I’ve mentioned, I had three exams. Well, I knew I wouldn’t want to do the chem and bio readings after exams, so I did them earlier. So that excuse is not always valid. See, I genuinely try to get it done even under the worst of conditions. I’m used to rough conditions anyway. That was just an example of conditions though. I don’t remember for what actual reasons I wouldn’t get something done. It doesn’t really happen. My canvas streak is like 400+, almost 500 actually I think.

If that means I need to stay up unGodly amounts of hours and much later than I would like, then so be it; then so it has to be that way.

Even if that bothers with my perfectionism and idea of a perfect day. I’m a perfectionist, and at least the way I do it, I try to do everything perfectly. And I mean, even every little action, word I utter, course of action I take, or let my day take. And I analyze very hard to make everything “perfect.” I don’t know, I definitely have something wrong with me or some kind of ocd tendencies, but since a mental illness literally taking over my day and not something I define as “pefect,” I feel like I just simply don’t allow it to get bad. I feel like I still get so much done in a day (maybe, much more than an average person), that you couldn’t actually possibly propose that I was mentally ill. At least in the DSM definition from what I remember from AP Psych, the whole essence of a mental illness is that it would mess with your functionality in a day. The only possible way I feel that I am able to complete as much as I do, and balance as much as I do, is these same habits and likes. Not procrastinating, and also a love for organization. A planner, endless to-do lists, and keeping track of what needs to be done.

This ties into the other blog post as well, where I talked about my hate of summer homework. I believe, if I remember correctly, I combined that blog post with just my general feeling of feeling like I need to do everything, which I talked about there. It’s all the same basic concept, just that there, there was a specific example and I applied it.

In that example, I hate summer hw because I understand life is what it is, and does what it wants (I certainly understand that).

However, sometimes it’s just unfortunate because in that specific scenario, it then cuts into my summer and in a way takes over it. I don’t know, like I understand it is what it is. But I take my schoolwork seriously. So introducing any assignment means I will be thinking about until it’s over. And when it’s summer, that makes me upset. Because I’m like “at least wait lol.” Summer is nice, and sure it’s hard at first without school (an adjustment) but I really enjoy rest when I don’t get it during the semester and don’t get bored. I find my own things to do.

I’m not just this way with school. It extends to un-school-related tasks as well. Think, something like “go to the bank.” Like some really adult-type shit.

It’s kind-of like the chicken and the egg question (it’s chicken I think, because God would just create a chicken, not an egg). And then the mama gives birth to the baby. That’s how I feel with the concept of me…either naturally not procrastinating and doing things right away…so is my conditions that have led me to develop this habit, out of need? Kind-of sounds like a nature vs nurture scenario. Truth is, I think I am the way the am. And it just helped. But did I have to develop and make sure I stay that way? Probably that too.

I think I stretch myself thin so much. I’m a little too good at balancing, from one perspective. However if you look at the opposite end, I’m not really in many clubs, am I? I also don’t have a job. But the truth is, I could give you excuses for everything.

1. school leaves me with no time (my major specifically, and the combination of classes I put myself through. For instance, this semester: mechanics of materials + organic chemistry || + biology + organic chemistry lab + statistics). Especially when you ARE a perfectionist (imo, it’s mostly a good thing, until you make it bad!)

2. I tried to get a job almost every semester that I’ve been here and I’ve just been unable to find one. I’m a little picky, because I don’t want a job I hate (I don’t want to be more ultra depressed). I tried to get into the UW Health Hospital after working as CNA for 2+ years and they had the audacity to reject me but whatever. I tried to find a flower shop, but none are open until the spring or summer (what I’m planning to do this summer in my hometown instead).

3. I am in some clubs, but the only reason I’m not getting involved in more is because I was actually rejected from the College of Engineering and will be transferring/leaving the school. Won’t see me by Fall.

There a lot of things in my life that take time. Most of it is school yes, because that is the main focus. What I came here to do. However there is also personal life problems and things a lot of time. Like personal issues. People take up a lot of time: either as a problem, emotionally, or spending time with them. Face it, people take up time. You can split some of the things I balance time between into maybe three categories:

1. school

2. Personal life PROBLEMS

a. Sometimes people (emotional burden)

b. Just my own issues, shit, and baggage

3. People again (But this time in a good way)

a. So like, hanging out with friends (that takes time). Taking time out of my busy day. If I take time out of my busy day, you should feel honored…because honestly…I’m probably screwing myself over by agreeing to meet with you, and yet…I still do it…because that’s how much I care for you. Lmfao it’s basically self-sacrifice if you ask me. Self sacrifice of values (school). Even people like me, who do nothing but school, can understand the importance of needing to make time for people. And I physically yearn to do this too, obviously. So I can, do, and will continue to make that self-sacrificing, spending-time-with-people choice. It’s just hard. I still can’t do it nearly all the time, or maybe nearly as much as I want to. I hate it when stress mixes into the picture. I should not be feeling stressed at seeing or agreeing to hangout with people:( but sometimes this is reality. This reality I do not know if I can dismiss or make dissipate.

b. Sometimes people are the ones asking to hangout

c. Also, face it, being in a relationship takes time. Having a boyfriend/girlfriend takes so much time. Again, with people like me, these mfs better be thankful I’m making time (and so much of it) for them.

I feel like all this time balancing actually leaves no time to myself. Which sometimes I guess is fine. I honestly am used to it and pretty numb to all the harsh realities of life (of my life; of how my life treats me specifically). Whether this is positive, or negative. Days like this I feel like I literally squeeze in writing time when I honestly can’t take it a little too much. Because I feel like all I do, all I can do, based on my schedule: well it’s the same schedule repeated. Obviously, I have classes. I do homework. I study. But I don’t really have time for myself. I don’t really have privacy. And I feel like I can’t emphasize this enough. There is nowhere, on this campus, and actually on this planet, or beyond this planet, no corner, that I can escape and turn away from all the cycles I’m trapped in. My school + personal life problems consume me. Some will follow, and others may be trapped here, even I will leave there (that’s a +). Look at me identifying the positives. With the way things are set up, the places I can and cannot go, I end up either being in class or spending all other time with my boyfriend. I am never alone. And there is no one for me to be alone. That’s why I end up not responding to people. Because I am never alone. I have no time to be alone or to decompress. I’m trapped in some systems. I can’t be certain places. There are so many things I’m forced to face on the daily; things that bring me so much pain. Things that absolutely crush my well-being and soul, and yet I have no escape, no way out, no way of circumventing around.

Anyway, another aspect of this post that I wanted to mention that thus far, I have completely failed to mention is that this also applies to not only school, not only other personal life tasks, but personal issues too. And what I mean by that is confrontation. I am someone who is not against, and is very for, confrontation. People know me as an honest person. As a non-bullshit person. I am honest, I really hate lying, and I also believe honesty is just the way things should go and be. To me, there is no other way. It just seems like common sense to me, you know? So many things seem common sense to me. Now I’m not trying to say that in a cocky way, all I’m trying to make you understand is that there are just some things, some values, I accept as an inherit truth and way of living. That’s what I mean by common sense. Honesty is one of them. I believe that if there is a conflict with a person, you should talk to them about it. However that is, not always. You see, I am a people pleaser. And I will let people walk all over me, at the expense of me, if I feel like intervening somehow, is not my place. To me, all these things are simple. However there are people, that will never understand this, they will never understand me, why or how the way I do things. People could know me for years, and still not understand. Well the truth is, there is nothing that I don’t do without reason. I kind-of hate emotion and being dramatic, I stay away from those people. I always try to reason, logic, rationalize, analyze everything. I enjoy and think it necessary (another common sense truth, maybe I should write a blogpost about them) to see from other people’s sides, LISTEN to people, and understand other people.

How I know when people really don’t know anything about me (even when they think or say they do) is when they assume I am acting without having thought about it. Without having tried to think from the other perspective. Without caring. Without trying to understand. But if I act a certain way, it is only because I have concluded to myself, that the other way was wrong. I have already considered it, thought about it, turned it over in my mind (I’m a perfectionist, remember, so I try to do everything “right,” try to make everything perfect, and do things to the best of my abilities) and rejected it.

Tainted people. Tainted people, will never understand this.

Also insta update: It’s been a while of having it again! I feel like I still use it very sparingly (I also just don’t have time to go on that app, and if I feel like I don’t, I won’t! Because of school!) I feel like I don’t stress myself out with it which is good. But I also feel like that means that I literally barely go on it or look at anything which makes me feel like I’m just ignoring people (which in turn, makes me feel bad) or like I’m just not staying updated with people and completely ignoring the whole point and essence of the app…? So kind-of strange feeling. It’s really hard, because not only does school take up so much time that I focus on that and don’t feel like I can go on Insta…which is bad then because when I do go on it it’s just to reply to people and not even really use it…so still used too sparingly (the reason why I say this as a bad thing is because I never really had a problem with using Instagram too much anyway, so it’s not like it’s some good thing I’m able to stay away. It’s the opposite. I’m able to stay away and then it kind-of defeats the purpose of having it. Anyway I feel like I might’ve overexplained this or overbeaten this point too much by now). But not only does school make it feel like I can’t do it (the whole, “feel like I can’t, feel like I need to focus on school thing”>>>the whole argument of this blog post), but it’s actually coupled with even more difficulties. Even when I do have “down time” I’m not alone and so I can’t just go on my phone, yk? Check things out? And so I end up ignoring…

I’m still absolutely shocked by that, “wow my life is shit and yet I still love it and wouldn’t want anything else…and at the same time my life makes me sad” sensation connected to (unlocked from…I think) the redownloading again of Instagram.