when, and how, did i change, and get this way!

Let’s think about how much, and what has changed these past few years. Basically since coming to university…

Day by day, we don’t notice how much things have changed, because they only change little by little. But when we reflect over a greater period of time, it can be quite baffling to the mind how much has managed to change, and comparing your life now…vs then…

How did I get here, how did I get this way.

Well, I feel like, ever since leaving high school, even starting in high school, but more confirming and actually living (the idea I had of me in my mind) was figuring out who I am. Values.

I was super excited to go to university. In my head, it was a certain way. Did it end up this way? (Well no, not at all, it’s literally leading to my demise but that’s a different story…)

But even in the short run, it wasn’t how I expected. It wasn’t where I expected to go, first of all. So already there was reluctance, and hard feelings. But even in small ways, from my dorm, typical days and life, homework, the food, everything was a surprise. The convenience of the dining hall was a pleasant surprise. The variety of food was a little surprising too. It was all exciting. So many dining halls! So many dorms, so many buildings, so many rooms, so many great big lecture halls, and crowds of students! So many classes, lectures, professors, TAs…everything. The homework was a lot.

Things started to take a dark turn from just about the moment I arrived, looking back at it retrospectively. Because, during orientation, weirdly enough, there was a kid literally giving a speech about how he wanted to transfer (but of course, he stayed, he didn’t transfer). It made me think about how he was talking about “he didn’t feel like he belong.” Well same, and even more importantly now, when I actually do feel I will have to transfer. Except no one, not a soul, seems to realize or accept this fact like I do. Because they’re not me. They don’t know the mess I’m capable of, they believe in me, falsely, like they’re doing it for my hope or something. It’s all stupid though, cause it’s not going to work. It may be harder for people to accept than for me. I’ve had to accept it. I would go crazy otherwise. Somehow…I have to move on, or do I? Hmmmmmmmmmm.

And that same orientation, actually, even farther back, to how I reluctantly pressed “accept.” And barely applied! Oh why oh why did I apply! I should’ve never applied here! I should’ve never accepted, it’s like I had a bad feeling from the start.

But! If everyone happens for a reason? WHAT IS THE REASON. It seems that my time here, has led to nothing good. It has been NOTHING but absolutely horrible. It actually makes me want to die.

At the orientation is when I first found out about and heard the word “progression.” And continuously I’d live with a horrible stress that first semester. I was only getting accustomed to it. So new. Then second semester hit even harder. It was…hard. It was a lot. And then the stress was high. And then summer happened. And then unbearable sadness. Now we are here. And somehow I am most scared. Because this is…actually the end now. These last few weeks, are all I have. That is SO scary to think about! It’s almost scarier to think about how everyone will react. Because I already have accepted it…but have they? I know they haven’t. I don’t want to see everyone’s reactions to the disappointment and failure—that I am. It will be a horrible feeling, but alas, what can I do. It feels so stupid, such a joke. If only! I could get through this impossible hurdle!…(how is it that it feels so impossible to me alone, it shouldn’t be…it should be possible…and to others, it always is, but not to me, because I’m just that special) I could be so happy? Things would get infinitely times easier. They are only the hardest now…in these darkest moments…

I don’t know what to do, truly. There is nothing I can do. What could be worse? Like seriously, I ask myself this. Because nothing even matters anymore. Like I said, anyone could happen…and I wouldn’t care. What is the purpose.

Apparently, all I can do…all I do do…is write.

I just keep writing, and writing…——

But I made friends, right? Like I made friends too, somehow. So that’s something else that changed in these past few years (not that I didn’t have friends, but the new ones are the change). Pretty good-of friends. Lots of new people I know now, here. With me. Except the only difference is— here they’ll stay, and here I won’t. I really don’t think. So it still feels pointless that I even met so many new people, but that was inevitable. It just happens. It’s as natural as the sun is. In these people’s lives…they won’t remember me anymore. Which is not a bad thing. It might actually be a good thing. I hope they forget. Like I was never here.

Ballet and piano- everything completely ceased. All on school. And that can’t even go right. Indeed that’s the only reason everything has to explode!