Winter break crashout of '25

This winter break, I was on vacation with my family in Texas. And I had a crashout in the middle of this Texas vacation. It was just another normal day of the vacation; we were currently on a hike. I think what sparked it was something that my mom had said. She had asked something pertaining to, or it was somehow tied to, university. Perhaps about whether I was happy or if I liked it or not. And it is this question or spark of topic that suddenly made me crashout. Perhaps it was that I had been in denial. Perhaps that. Pushing back and not thinking about it. Or maybe it was the person that had asked it, and brought me back to approximately a year ago, when I had to make a difficult, important choice about universities. I knew I was capable of making the right choice, but whether I had made the right choice or not, I still didn’t know, I still didn’t feel at peace with.

I think it’s weird to note that I was not in any way feeling unhappy necessarily about anything before this conversation. In fact I think I was blissful. I was on winter break, on vacation, in Texas. Sun was shining, birds flying, whatever, fill in the blank. But something clicked. Some trigger was pulled.

I think it could’ve been the possibility that it was my mom who asked. She had pressured the choice I made. But when I started to get mad she reminded me that it was my choice. The combination of knowing she was right, but not really feeling like it was my choice, and all of the emotions of not feeling like it was right, unhappy, and confusion aggravated me.

Or could it have been the weather? The fact that it was nice, and so it was when… going back to a year ago, I made my choice. It was such a reluctant one. I was reminded of this unpleasantry.

I had also come back from a semester. A whole semester done. It was like a clean break.

A clean slate. I could start over. I could leave. I could go someplace else. Even if I already had roommate plans for next year. I felt tied down but left to experience all the horrible emotions.

What was it?! It aggravated me that I couldn't put an explanation to it. WHY was I like this? Why couldn't I just like the place? Was location really that.. powerful?

I was reminded that I never wanted to go there in the first place. Reminded of the speech from the kid who said he never felt like it was the right place for them that we were forced to listen to at orientation, he had said that even though he wasn’t sure, he stuck around. The whole speech was supposed to convince us to stay, obviously, with the final result. But to me it had a different impact. It just made me think even more about how I was unsure. Here was somebody who else had felt like it wasn't the right place for them...now wasn't that just proof? A sign? I wasn't the only one?

And it was weird. I had made friends but had this paralyzing fear that no matter how great they were, it wasn’t right for me. And that the feelings that I was having were all actually signs that I was right and had to make a change.

Yeah, there’s a lot of emotions here to analyze.

So then for the rest of the hike I just felt in utter despair. I was surprised by my own emotional response, how quickly it had set. And I don't know what it was, whether I was not used to it so I let myself feel, or it was too strong to control.

And then I got over it. Not sure exactly how, maybe rationalizing my emotion? I must've had to get over it. I couldn't just be crashing the entire vacation, nor did I want to. I think I was also embarrassed and knew I had to get it together.

Is that how we get out of unpleasant situations? By rationalizing them? "This has to get better, and I can't waste my time being unhappy, therefore I won't be." "I can think of reasons to make this better."

The thing was, I was just wanted to be obsessed with my university so bad; saying this in general. Even a year before when my friend was applying to universities, I was living vicariously through her. 

But I tried to rationalized that it was all an illusion. And I should be grateful.

And maybe it’s not like I thought but the opposite. Instead of thinking it was a sign that I was having all these feelings, take the fact that I had ended up there in the first place as a sign that it was right and I should be at peace.

And I guess sometimes in life you can’t really tell when it’s one or the other. At first. But there should be some indication or reason. Mine is a reminder of why I made the choice in the first place and remembering all the great reasons that make it like it should feel like the right place (if that makes sense).

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