yes i know my friends are there for me but i don’t want to talk about or complain about the same thing 1000x

Okay. Everyone has a limit, okay? Don’t lie to me. There is no way, that, if I complain or talk about the same thing 1000x, my friends are not going to get annoyed of me.

Yes they are my friends….yes they chose to be my friends….but still!

I have heard people say that “no matter how many times you need to talk about this situation, repeat it, go over it, I will be there everytime for you.”

That’s bs. No one is that patient. And maybe it was the way I was raised, but you can’t talk about the same thing 1000x, you have to get over your problems and solve them. There is no other option.

Except when another option did appear. In the form of progression. Now here’s a doozy. That one’s an excuse! Here’s an unsolvable one. Where I actually can’t do anything, but wait for impending doom. I can’t solve the problem. I can’t fix it. I can’t cry myself a river, build a bridge, get over it. No. None of this will work. I can only wait. In the mean time, I can only stress. Inevitably stress.

So I’m sorry when I have to look at transfer schools in your presence. I’m sorry when I’m sad. I’m sorry I’m making you uncomfortable by being sad and looking sad but allow me to just be sad. I’m sorry when I have to apply, think, talk about it. To think and talk about the possibility of signing a lease, but having to leave, and the mess that comes follows it. I’m sorry that I feel this way, and that I don’t want to fake it anymore, and that I don’t want to pretend to be happy when I’m not. If I’m not okay, I’m going to own up to it.

I think in reality, “being not okay” makes people uncomfortable. That’s why they always ask how you are doing, because they don’t know how to comfort people! They don’t know how to make people feel okay. And I hate people having to feel like they have to make me feel okay. I’m sorry, you can’t save me. You can’t make me feel okay. I don’t even want you to try. I hate pity. I hate attention. Which makes the whole thing even more complicated. So it’s a weird balance of finally allowing myself to be sad, look sad, act sad, but, at the same time, trying not to attract attention, pity, or comfort, from others. No one can be my savior in this, except God.

I think that’s why people put on a mask. The uncomfort of it. Of “not being okay.” Of letting people know “you’re not okay.” Their reaction. Their comfort. Their pity.

Having to…tell them your entire life story? (If that’s what it takes…)