Bummerland//Way Less Sad//Yes I’m A Mess//and more

The summer AJR songs. Maybe I’ll post this as we get closer to summer (Bummerland is about summer>>>getting close to summer) but the weather actually needs to be nice for that. The weather was nice, and now it’s cold again. There was a summer nice day where it was like 22 degrees Celsius. Maybe I’ll post this when the weather is going to be irreversibly nice, and not going back to coldness. That way, I’ll know we’re close to summer. Thank God. I need this so bad. I’ve never needed summer more, I’ve never needed summer from even NEEDING it in first semester. BECAUSE OF HOW BAD THIS SCHOOLYEAR HAS BEEN. And indeed my entire university experience. Indeed the last few years of my life (that were supposed to be “the best years of my life”).

Amendment: I was pretty sad that it was literally the worst snowstorm a couple days ago, but the weather finally is looking up, and looking like it will be CONSISTENTLY nice and above 0 degrees C and probably mostly sunny from now on (with the weather for today tomorrow and the day after that respectively at 14 18 and 23!). Which is really helping me and my happiness. Therefore, here is this blogpost!

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Bummerland (the classic summer song):

“Bummerland, here I am

Better nix my summer plans

Bummerland, give a cheer

‘Cause you’re only going up from here”

Bummerland=my summer.

I remember last summer, when I found out about my rejection/extension decision, my summer was completely ruined. Up until then, I was really excited for summer. I had a bunch of fun summer plans. I did a lot of things. Like for example, I went to the Shedd Aquarium (my family has yearly pass) and a botanical garden. I paid a trip to visit my best friend in Texas. But after, “nix my summer plans,” indeed. Laid in bed and cried. Was depressed.

And now, same thing for this summer. Except it might even be worse. I won’t be crying fresh tears because nothing is new (“no tears left to cry”). But it is affecting me in new ways. Because it’s all real now. It’s all reality. Everything needs to be set up for next year. The reality will set in the summer that I won’t see some people ever again, others for a very long time. Nothing will ever be the same again. I was abrupted uprooted from that reality/possibility/opportunity. The reality will set that I won’t be back there in the fall. In a few short months from summer, everyone will be back. Not me. I won’t be walking the same streets again.

How else were summer plans uprooted? I told myself, that if I don’t get in, I won’t be coming back to camp either. Well, I didn’t, crazily, and I mean these things I say with great weight and importance. All these decisions that I’m making, they hurt, but they’re true. They actually only hurt because they are true, and because they hold that great weight and importance. I know what I say, I mean what I say. It sucks, but it’s true. My decision of not wanting to go is sad, it’s sad to me, and even then it’s true. I can’t imagine myself acting differently (I guess that’s the same like the rejection decision. Still, this is what I want. To stay another way…I can’t imagine acting differently, you know?) I might get into this particular decision (damn I hate that word now lol…decisions…) in another blogpost. Kind-of want to save that conversation for another time.

“This month, I got seven haircuts

And now my hair is all gone

It’s sad but I’ve been alone for too long

So I keep getting haircuts”

I find this paragraph amusing. We all kind-of lose ourselves if we’re alone, right? But don’t we also lose ourselves if we’re not alone? I can’t imagine myself being the person I became, if I was never alone, never reflecting, growing, figuring out things that I like and who I am and so forth. But being alone too long when you could not be…I suppose that might mess with a person. Though I never minded being alone, and now I only feel alone in maybe only some horrible life decisions that no one else relates to…in all other ways…I can’t relate. But it’s a little funny too because this sounds like “winter arc” or “lone wolf arc.”

“It’s my all time low

And I just can’t wait

‘Cause the quicker I’m here

Is the quicker I’ll say”

I sure hope this is the all-time low. I can’t imagine it getting worse! But I find it funny that this part is almost saying, “can’t wait for summer to come just so I can ruin it with my horrible life, mood, and attitude.” Mood. And me for real. Irony. Coping and defense mechanisms. All done in a fun beat. That’s what I see within this song.

“Bummerland, here I am

Better nix my summer plans

Bummerland, give a cheer

‘Cause you’re only going up from here

Bummerland, here I am

And there ain’t no funner land

Bummerland, it’s kinda weird

But you’re only going up from here”

Only going up to here, because I swear, this can’t get any worse.

The “ain’t no funner land” is a bit of an ironic line I wanted to point out. Implying that this kind-of horrible place honestly, Bummerland, is actually somewhat fun? I suppose we all need to be ironic, we all need to have defense mechanisms, and, we all get a little to used to the Bummerland, don’t we?

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Way Less Sad:

“I should move ‘cause New York is gettin’ muddy out

There’s L.A. but it’s always kinda sunny out

And I don’t want to hurt no more

So I set my bar real low”

I like the first two lines.

Not wanting to hurt any more…can’t I relate to that? Sounds like a smart defense mechanism to me…to not hurt = setting bar real low. It’s exactly what I say, with the assuming the worst and denial coping + self defense mechanisms.

“I’m a-okay, I’m a-okay

You say it but you just don’t mean it

You’re so insane, You’re so insane

Shut up and just enjoy this feelin’”

The amount of times we get asked, “Are you okay?” “How are you?” If I haven’t yet, I was going to write about that exact same question last semester. I don’t think I ever did…and I regret it. Because it was so relevant back then. I know it’s relevant always, ‘cause people will always ask this until the end of time, but still, somehow, it felt more relevant last semester. Probably because that was the beginning. That was the beginning of my starting-to-feel-horrible-ness. If I haven’t written about it yet, I will. For now, I just want to say, that the amount of times I say I’m fine and okay when in reality I probably very much don’t really mean that. “You’re so insane.” I sure do feel it. “Strange” by The Score, which I wrote about in a blogpost about The Score. “Shut up and just enjoy this feelin’.” Yeah, ain’t go no tears left to cry so might as well try. Things are bad. Don’t I got to accept it at some point? Or do I though?

“Don’t you love it, don’t you love it?

No I ain’t happy yet

But I’m way less sad“

Very real. No, I ain’t happy yet. Am I even way less sad? I don’t know? Does time heal? I don’t know? But I like the somewhat skeptical optimism in this song. It has been questioning if it’s real. It works really well. Maybe it’s the lyrics and the vibes of all the other band’s songs that are mixing with my perception but even this optimism is like meh just trying to be optimistic- in reality the band is just so real and reality is hard. I hope that makes sense.

“I wake up and I’m not so mad at Twitter now

Livin’ sucks but it’s suckin’ just a little now

And I don’t want to cry no more

So I set my bar real low”

The second line is a great one. Same thing as I said above. I relate very hard to the third line as well. I really don’t want to cry no more. But will I? Probably. Definitely.

“Well, I can’t fall asleep and I’m losin’ my mind

‘Cause it’s half-past three and my brain’s on fire

I’ve been countin’ sheep but the sheep all died

And I’m tryin’ too hard but I can’t not try

Well, I can’t fall asleep and I’m losin’ my mind

‘Cause it’s half-past three and my brain’s on fire

I’ve been countin’ sheep but the sheep all died

And I’m not dead yet, so I guess I’ll be alright”

Not being able to sleep is just a symptom of everything that’s been going on. Probably been going on very badly for these past few years. Irreversible stress. Irreversible damage.

“And I’m tryin’ too hard but I can’t not try.” This is literally me summed up in a sentence.

I can’t not try. I can’t not try with my all. Because you know what? That genuinely would just not be me. That is WHO I am.

And I’m not dead yet, so I guess I’ll be alright. I like this mindset. Meh. Everything feels like whatever. The beat of this last verse and this line- Great way to end the song.

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Yes I’m A Mess

“I leave my house at 3 o’clock

With two hundred texts and two missed calls

Guess all of the friends that I pissed off

All talked“

This is so funny and great to me. Just makes me appreciate how real this band is. But it makes their songs so much better too! To anyone going through friend struggles, I just feel like this is funny and great. But it’s so much more relatable to me because of everything I’ve been going through. It makes me not check my notifications, which gives me anxiety. But I don’t have TIME, guys. I’m sorry. I don’t have time for you guys. The “leaving my house at 3 o’clock) gives me walking the streets of Madison and going to class- vibes.

So much of this relates to the situation I’m going through.

The rejection- makes me sad and not check notifications. But also so does SCHOOL- not having time. But also having anxiety (also no time) and being a perfectionist (also no time) so I feel like I don’t have time to respond properly and I’m constantly running out of time trying to do school, relax, write, respond, everything, think about my own stupid shit and life problems, privacy and dorm situations, and STILL be on time to every class (or early, depends) and meeting and whatever. That sounds like a lot damn and it kind-of is. And then on top of that situation friend situations. Just so relatable. So many connections here!

“And I took a job for just July

But feels like I might be here for life

Yeah, I’m in it now, I’m in it now

Could I start again, somehow?”

July, again, the summer theme. I also am planning to get a job in the summer (have written about elsewhere, will probably write again).

“Yes, I’m a mess with an S on my chest

Got stress filling up my head

So I spent last night blowing up my life

Now you won’t see me again”

Freshman year, I would make this joke a lot to my then-not but now-boyfriend (we were just friends last year). About my life blowing up and exploding like a bomb. Unfortunately, he thought I was exaggerating, but as he learned, I am always right. It all came true. The picture of the meme I would send, use, and reference a lot is: if you’re familiar- Barbie from Barbie Life in the Dreamhouse smiling (a pretty little Barbie doll) in front of a burning house. I guess you could say it’s her Dreamhouse on fire (lol I’ve never thought about it that way or made that connection until now as I’m writing this).

I hate being stressed, and I don’t want to die prematurely due to it. But it feels like it’s irreversible. I have no time.

“Cheers to the front and cheers to the back

And cheers to the 2010s

I could hate my guts when the sun comes up

But I like myself like this

I like myself like this”

Man 2010s. Life was so much easier back then. I didn’t know who I was but who I was wasn’t also in question and beaten down by an ax. Nostalgia.

“I could hate myself when the sun comes up but I like myself like this.” This is so relatable on like a spiritual level (I don’t know what level, I’m just trying to make you understand). Staying up with thoughts, “I could hate myself when the sun comes up.” “But I like myself like this.” Biggest thing I always say, gotta figure out what you like and who you are. You have to make yourself like yourself, a least a little bit, at least in a way that matters. I truly, from all my life experience/experiments you could say, don’t believe you can be happy unless you like yourself- at least a little bit. If you hate something about yourself- you either have to change it or find something/a way to kind-of like it. Only way to be happy (at least in this sense). There’s a lot of things that contribute and take away from happiness still. And what I mean by that is that there could still be a lot of things that need to be fixed for you to be happy- that take away from your happiness. But say the storm calmed down, and you still hated yourself= can’t be happy until you partially solve that. Un poco loco? (I don’t know Spanish).

“Why should I fix the shit I’ve done

When I could just pack my shit and run?

Delete every number from my phone

So long”

The urge sometimes to do this! To disappear. To say goodbye to everything. To run. To escape. To just- not deal. Won’t this kind-of be me in Montana? Fly away? A new person- I could be. But I’ve spent so long trying to figure out who to be- even if it didn’t work out. And even if right now because of everything that’s happened, I feel as if stuck in some weird alternate parallel dimension universe (Interstellar) where I’m having both an existential and identity crisis. Anyone who knows me even a little well in current day and time knows who I am. Of course I’m not just going to change into a new person. But it does make me feel like that’s what’s going to happen. Just because everything is so abrupt and new.

“Yeah, I’ll get new shirts ‘cause mine all stink

And I’ll tell my boss what I really think

Yeah, I’m in it now, I’m in it now

Could I start again, somehow?”

I just think this verse is so funny. I also like the last two lines. It’s repeated a lot.

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100 Bad Days

“Remember when we all got drunk?

I ended up with two broke thumbs

Oh my God, I felt so dumb, lucky me

I wrote a song and no one knows

I played a show and no one showed

Oh my God, I felt so alone, lucky me”

“When all is going wrong and you’re scared as hell

What you gonna do? Who you gonna tell?

Maybe a hundred bad days made a hundred good stories

Maybe a hundred good stories make me interesting at parties”

Okay but this is so true. Bad days sure do suck, and I’ve had oh so many of them. Such an abundance. So many in a row. Things are hard. Things are rough, and there’s no time. But boy do I have stories to tell. Boy do I feel like this makes me interesting. I always feel like even from a “boring neutral” day I have so much to tell. I don’t know what it is, maybe just what’s important to me. But crazy things manage to happen to me a lot.

So many people always tell me this. In university.

It makes it really easy to talk to people, to talk to friends, and to stay in touch/update friends when you have A LOT to tell. And busy. And no time. And new developments constantly happening. Wow, positives! Look at that! Positives!

And in high school. Like everyday at lunch I wouldn’t even have enough time to tell people everyone. I’m so busy, that when I see people, I never have enough time to tell them everything I want to tell them. Just so busy, so many new developments constantly, and not enough time! Honestly people have always been just in shock and awe from it. They always ask me, “how does so much manage to happen to you?”

I don’t know, I don’t ask for it. I just am who I am (busy), and I guess this is the life I’ve chosen to me. Now things just happen to me. All stemming to who I am?

Ha, can’t take that away from me (my brain dead from classes is literally reading that “Ha” as “alternative hypothesis” for statistics).

And a lot happens-often in a short amount of time too. My life loves the drama. It’s like a magnet. Also a magnet for tragedy (lowk Russian people made to suffer blogpost).

I’m not naturally someone who considers themself a social person. Though I’ve been told, that I’m very socially smart and easy/pleasant to talk to.

Honestly, what more could it be, than this, right? Just kidding. I know there’s more to it than that.

“A hundred bad days made a hundred good stories

A hundred good stories make me interesting at parties

Yeah, no, I ain’t scared of you

No, I ain’t scared of you no more”

I don’t know what he’s not scared of anymore. Life? Yeah, me too. Death? I don’t know what could happen that could possibly feel worse. Feels like, the worst thing has already happened. Damn I don’t know who made me this way. I don’t know who gave me these values. Sometimes I just feel so fucked up.

“Remember when she broke my heart

Waitin’ for the waiter to return my card?

Right as I let my guard down, lucky me

We had to work a bit more hard

Only just to get a little bit less far

We could laugh about it all tomorrow, couldn’t we?”

Worked hard just to go backwards- boy do I relate to that. “We could laugh about it all tomorrow,” right?