Focus on the good

Dear Blog,

The last few blog posts have felt really heavy. Obviously, I've been struggling, but I want to lighten things up. Because like I said, focusing just on the negative, is hard on the soul. And that's no way to live. I mean that in the most literal sense. That's no way to live, or be happy.

Even though mentally, I've been really struggling, there are better moments than others. Like right now, I'm sitting here and doing something that I love: writing. And trying my hardest to make it a good, happy day. Plus, I finally made some coffee.

Even though it is far from morning, I still wanted to have that calm moment. Since I've been alone for a few days, and still haven't done it. It would be a shame if spring break had ended and I still had not sat here and made coffee and just had a calm happy time.

The cup of coffee I made was beautiful and lovely. It was weird, because I'm alone right now. Usually I get recruited to make coffee in my house, and usually I'm making a cup for some person. Not just me. So I had to pay more attention to the proportions so that I did not make more than one cup (which I did pretty good at) and then try to align that with adding less ground coffee, since, that would be twice the strength of one cup (at the strength of two cups). But then, I also frothed some heavy whipping cream and adding vanilla extract.

It is a weird spring break, not going to lie. Being alone while everyone is gone on vacation.

Doing something that I love, writing, only fits in that moment and idea.

I keep thinking to myself, if things feel at their worst, it can ONLY get better from here, right? It has to.

It might take a while, but I'm finally able to accept that reality.

No but that really is a huge thing. Things can be really bad, just keep getting worse...at their worst. That has a great big implication though, that I cannot ignore anymore: It can't get worse. It must get better.

These must be growing pains.

I must've thought, that I would have my life together by now or something. And problems we don't expect to stick around, do. And new problems show up, problems we woudn't've dreamed of existing. And they're not good. And they wreak so much havoc, and cause so much discomfort and distress in our lives.

But I'm only 20, and my life is only beginning. I don't know why I accepted to have it figured out, to have it be good and free of problems. Obviously, some of these things I'm facing, there are pretty big. Not a lot of people deal with this. But those are the things I have to accept, and have accepted. These other things though? I don't know...I mean sometimes I just feel so alone and like I'm the only one who deals with things like this. But maybe that is so far from the truth. I can imagine...and I do know...that so many people...maybe everyone...struggles with mental health and with themselves, basically. Even if it's not exactly in the same way. Even if their problems manifest in different shapes and forms. But that's just the price we pay for being different people, with completely different lives, personalities, and problems that we interpret as problems. It can't be a weakness. It must be a strength.

A new season of a show I watched came out, and it was pretty quick to watch, since there's only 8 episodes and each episode is like 30 minutes. In past seasons, I think it might've even been between 20-30 minutes per episode. That's really short compared to other shows, whose episodes usually average 40-60 minutes easily.

The show is called XO, Kitty. Based on a character from another movie, if you're not familiar. And it is a really pleasant show to watch. I'm bringing it up here, because this blogpost is all about "focusing on the good." And things that bring me joy. Well, I've already listed some examples. Like coffee, and writing. Naturally. Sometimes, watching a show really feels like a waste of time. Especially to someone like me, who is always so productive and busy. But if it's a good show, I beg to differ. Because when I think about it, if I'm a better person/better for having seen it, I think yes, I am so much better! What joy that that little show can bring me. The people, the characters, and their lives I got to see. And what better thing to do on a break than to binge a show? What better time to do it, than now?

It's like all these shows just keep timing it out and targeting university students, lol. It's this crazy coincidence of their new seasons keep being dropped on breaks. During winter break, it was Stranger Things. And close to the end of winter break, was Bridgerton. Now this. Lots of great shows. Lots of great aesthetics. Lots of love to give.

Recently I wrote about "Anne with an E," and that's a show I haven't even watched in such a long time, and yet thinking about and reflecting on it still brings me joy.

I think humans just have this great capacity for romance. I mean, to romanticize something. We love pretty things. Aesthetic things. Any good show that I have liked, I have really liked the aesthetic, just the life they presented. It's all so beautiful, and great stories.

As I was watching the show, watching these kids party or whatever, it made me think the natural thoughts of, "wow looks like they're just having so much fun, just like I am not." Something I wrote about in a previous blogpost. But the truth is, the show is also so real. I mean it's dramatic, sure, but just as much as it shows good times and fun, it shows all the struggles that these people are having...and it really can be rough! (probably also thanks to the fact that since it is as how, it has to dramatize everything). Like low lows and high highs.

And even when things are hard, Kitty is resilient and she keeps going. And that's the point! She keeps on having dreams, as should I, and not let go of fun things I have planned, and dreams I had, that I enjoyed conjectured, things I worked hard to make happen. That must keep me going. It's the only way.

But I mean, watching a good show can really be inspirational. It's even just so enjoyable picking apart things you love from the show and seeing them. Like for me, for example, I'm into fashion, and a lot of the shows I have watched, I have really enjoyed to see that aspect from certain characters. In this show, there are lot of stylish characters, because a lot of them are just really ridiculously famous for no reason (like celebrities in the show). But even the main character I love. And she has such a cute style. It always great when you love the main character a lot, since you see them a LOT.

This show I feel like, has really inspired me to have a good summer and to live it up.

And to feel good, despite everything that has happened, and continues to happen. I must continue fighting, to feel good, stay good, and enjoy life!!!

Like one example is, and this may sound really stupid to you but actually, it isn't at all to me. Growing up, I struggled with confidence so bad that I would never wear a shirt (and especially tank tops) that were at all low cut. That is something that I have improved so much on, and this year, actually, was one of the first (like school year) that I would wear things that were a lot more low cut (dresses, mostly, cause a lot of my shirts are still not like this). But that is something I can grow on, and look forward to! I have already put myself out there, and stepped outside what was once my comfort zone, to transform into a better more confident version of myself (which still as a whole, something that is very bad and lacking and I have a lot more work to do in other senses, but at least in this one, I have grown a lot and transformed). So there was this one tank top I always liked, even years back when I was not nearly confident enough to wear it. Finally, I bought it. And I had this vision that I'd wear it to school in the spring or wear it in summer.

And here's the thing. I can't remember if I brought it with me to Madison or not, when moving in this year. But, for the life of me, I can't find it. I've looked everywhere. I've even checked in between drawers and behind drawers where I thought it might have become lost and lodged. But no, it's nowhere. And, it's not at home either. I thought maybe my sister took it. But also no. Unfortunate, but it was cheap. It's symbolic. I know it might sound dumb, but I still want to "accomplish" this dream. I'll buy it again, since it's so nowhere to be found, and wear it! Making the most out of life, and focusing on the good. Must be what it's all about. What would we have if not this? Just bad things. Can't focus on that cause that is bad...and will lead you to no good places. Life is in the small things...because it must. Because sometimes, bad things fall apart. And so we need something.

Even when things don't go to plan and instead go to CHAOS. But that is something part of a point I want to make in the next blogpost.

And, as much as it might've seemed like I just complained about how these kids are out partying and I'm not (again, I've already made a point about it in the previous blogpost: how that's not my personality anyway). I mean, it'd be different if I had just the type of friends who did that. Sometimes I do think, friends can really influence you. It's the type of thing I wouldn't do without friends. And I'm not saying that I ever wanted to be a party girl. But something about the way in which they do it in the show, where it's just a really good group of friends having fun together, it's so different. It looks fun. It looks like everyone is having a great time. And it's aesthetic and fun to watch them having a fun time and enjoying them themselves. But who knows, what doors Montana will open up?

This blogpost could definitely be longer, but I might just cut it off here. For now, at least. And add more later.

The main character actually made a really good point, which I want to discuss now. But I will discuss it in the next blogpost after this. Stay tuned.